


Something Worthwhile

by ellebeedarling, Estalfaed



Series: Something Worthwhile [2]
Category: Mass Effect Trilogy, Mass Effect: Andromeda
Genre: Action, Angst, Budding relationships, Canon Typical Violence, Explicit Language, Explicit Sexual Content, Fluff, M/M, Multi, Romance, Threesome - M/M/M, but also somewhat au, mainly follows game three plotline
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-14
Updated: 2020-05-19
Packaged: 2021-04-22 17:48:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 19
Words: 47,207
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22198543
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ellebeedarling/pseuds/ellebeedarling, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Estalfaed/pseuds/Estalfaed
Summary: Shepard has been alone all his life. Orphaned as a child. A loner as an adult. His loneliness never felt as profound as now, sitting in an Alliance prison. Scott is destined for a new life, a new galaxy, and one chance encounter has made him realize that isn't what he wants at all. Kaidan has never been more confused in his life but decides to listen to his heart and go after what he wants.Together, the three of them build something worth fighting for.
Relationships: Kaidan Alenko/Male Ryder | Scott, Kaidan Alenko/Male Shepard, Kaidan Alenko/Male Shepard/Male Ryder, Male Ryder | Scott/Male Shepard
Series: Something Worthwhile [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/697886
Comments: 273
Kudos: 123





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> This fic has been a long time coming, and there are several people to thank for making it happen. 
> 
> First, to my illustrious and amazing co-author [estalfaed](www.tumblr.com/estalfaed). You are an incredible friend and I cherish you! Thanks for tackling this project with me! ♥
> 
> To [shotce](www.tumblr.com/shotce) for encouraging us to start this project and to [th3morrigan](www.tumblr.com/blasteddoodles) for encouraging me to finish it! lol 
> 
> Lastly (but most assuredly not least), to [HumblyDefiant](https://archiveofourown.org/users/humblydefiant/pseuds/humblydefiant) for his amazing beta work, and invaluable friendship! 
> 
> If you haven't read the prequel to this fic, might I humbly suggest that you do so? It's the previous work in this series. 
> 
> Thanks and much love to you all! 
> 
> Title is based on the song Good Riddance by Green Day
> 
> Expect updates every Tuesday!
> 
> *Note from Estalfaed: I am really happy I got the opportunity to write with Ellebee, she is a fandom treasure and I am so grateful we became friends. I hope you enjoy this work <3

_It's something unpredictable, _

_but in the end, it's right_

_I hope you had the time of your life_

_~Green Day_

* * *

Shepard peered at his reflection in the mirror, taking especial note of the lines framing his eyes and marring his forehead. He looked old, haggard and worn down - and he was only thirty-one. The jagged crevices in his face that he’d awoken with on Lazarus Station had faded to nearly invisible scars, but he still felt like they were on the verge of cracking open again every time he smiled or laughed, every time he frowned or grimaced. It was a hell of a life Cerberus had brought him back to. 

His hands held him up, braced against the countertop. The weight of hundreds of thousands of dead souls bowed his shoulders, and he wasn’t sure he had the strength to ever lift them again. It was too much. He’d become the monster he’d always despised, always feared becoming. The soldier so hardened to the realities of his duty that he became impervious to the collateral cost of completing the mission objectives. 

In his heart of hearts, he knew that wasn’t the truth - that he still felt just as deeply, just as keenly today as he had the day he’d signed his life over to the Alliance at just eighteen years of age. It didn’t erase the guilt, though, the sickening dread that threatened to drown him every time he thought about the families of the dead. The fear of spending the rest of his life in jail to atone for what he’d done only compounded his shame and sorrow. He was an Alliance soldier, an N7, the best of the best, first Human Spectre. He possessed the strength to do this, but he doubted his will on the matter. 

Blowing out a long slow breath, he picked up his razor, the electric buzz enough to drown out his thoughts for a moment. With care and precision, he ran it over his scalp, trimming away the excess hair to maintain his customary buzzcut. He hadn’t gone more than three or four days without shaving it off since ICT, only allowing it to grow then because of lengthy field missions that came standard with unhygienic conditions. Once he was sure he’d gotten it all, leaving no patches of longer hair, he switched out the attachments and offered his face the same treatment. He didn’t see much improvement when the task was complete, but at least he looked the part of the dutiful Alliance soldier. 

Turning away from the mirror, at last, he switched on the shower, billowy steam clouds filling the small space instantly. Having no idea what to expect of his lodgings once he reached the detention center in Vancouver, he opted to make the most of his shower, luxuriating in the feel of scalding water sliding down his body. He took his time, washing slowly, inhaling the rich, deep scent of his sandalwood soap. 

Refusing to think about his upcoming incarceration, he let his mind wander to the previous night. With his crew dispersed, most of them leaving the Normandy on Omega, a few asking to be dropped off at Illium instead, Shepard had been left more or less alone. Chakwas, Joker, Daniels, and Donnelly had remained behind to face the music alongside him - for which Shepard was grateful - but they’d each gone to say their goodbyes to family or friends, not knowing what the future held for any of them. Shepard didn’t blame them. If he’d had any family to speak of, he’d have gone to them too, and as things stood, the one person in the galaxy he would have wanted to reach out to wouldn’t speak to him. 

A loneliness like he hadn’t known since his days on the street as a child had settled into his gut, making him restless and sleep elusive. Unable to quiet his racing thoughts, he’d gone in search of a local dive where he could lose himself in a few glasses of whatever they had that was potent - he didn’t really care - and hide away from the world. Fortunately, he’d chosen a hotel in an area of Zakera that was just respectable enough to be safe, just seedy enough to be anonymous. No one had spared him a second glance as he’d brooded the night away, nursing his uncut batarian ale. The stuff was vile but got the job done. 

He’d been at it for hours when he’d felt the prickle of hairs on the back of his neck, the sense that he wasn’t alone anymore. Glancing up from his drink, he’d met with some of the most gorgeous eyes he’d ever seen, blue like the sky, just a few shades lighter than his own. Their owner was a younger man, early to mid-twenties if Shepard had to guess. A good looking guy, but that didn’t stop Shepard from shifting his gaze back to his drink and resuming his brooding. 

Those eyes kept watching him, though, and the feel of them on him made the blood in his veins quicken as his heart raced inside his rib cage. Since being brought back from the dead, he hadn’t had the urge or desire to do more than jerk off in the shower a couple times a week. The man he wanted to look at him the way those blue eyes were now was out of his reach, probably to remain so forever. 

Before his death, he’d held onto some sort of delusional hope that he and Kaidan Alenko could somehow overcome the obstacles between them - their careers within the Alliance military, their ranks and titles - and find a way to be together. Brief glimpses of hope had made him think Kaidan wanted the same but after Horizon… Well, Shepard had learned long ago that some things were just never meant to be, no matter how much one craved it. 

The familiar, and not unwanted, stirrings of desire caused him to reevaluate the young man staring at him from the other side of the bar. He was certainly handsome, with that cocky air that young guys had when they wanted something they were too stupid to realize they couldn’t have. 

“Take a picture, kid,” he’d sighed. “It’ll last longer.” 

The blue-eyed stranger looked stricken for a moment, shocked to be called out, but he covered it quickly, settling back in his chair with a smirk and a touch of arrogance. Shepard liked him more and more the longer he looked at him. There was something of himself in the man, the brash kid he’d been once upon a time. 

“I’d rather take a memory.” 

Shepard had nearly choked on his drink, covering it with a scowl and turning his head to hide his grin. Damn, the guy had some balls. He’d leaned back in his chair, mirroring the man’s posture and finally taken the time to give him an appraising once-over. He was hot - hard body sculpted from more than just pumping iron, dark brown hair slicked back on his head, just enough stubble on his face to make him appear edgy (at least Shepard thought that was the look he was going for.) An Alliance soldier. Shepard would bet his life’s savings on it, which unfortunately wasn’t much since everything he’d had before Alchera was gone now. 

“Is that so?” he asked when his assessment was through. The man swallowed nervously, like he hadn’t expected Shepard to respond, and Shepard had laughed, feeling genuinely amused by this man who seemed to be a contradiction of himself, an intriguing combination of bold and bashful. 

Fuck! Was he really considering this? He’d never been above a one-night stand, but things were different than they’d been when he was a younger man and not a prominent galactic figure. And there was Kaidan.

Who was he kidding? He meant nothing to Kaidan Alenko, a thought that stung bitterly, and he was quite sure that his former lieutenant, who now outranked him, wasn’t giving any thought whatsoever to what Shepard was doing tonight. That hurt, too. 

Shepard had shaken his head, questioned his sanity, and polished off his drink, finally settling up his tab. He felt unsteady on his feet but managed to move without wobbling. Maybe it was the booze talking or perhaps the fact that it’d just been so damned long since he’d gotten any, but he found himself leaning down to whisper in the younger man’s ear, directing him to the hotel across the street. 

Every footfall on the way back to his room was shrouded in doubt. This was a bad idea. A really, fucking terrible idea. Shepard was a Spectre, now a criminal as well. His every move was likely being watched by the Alliance, the Council, _ and _ Cerberus. He knew for a fact that there were scores of people just waiting for him to screw up, searching and hoping for something to bury him with. 

But he was already buried, wasn’t he? He had been, then miraculously brought back to life. And his career was as in the toilet as it was ever going to be. More than likely he was going to prison for a very long time, and if certain admirals had their way, he’d rot there. The invisible strain of the hangman’s noose cinched around his throat, making it difficult to breathe for a few seconds. He let himself into his room and sat on the foot of the bed staring at his clasped hands between his knees, half hoping, half dreading that the man from the bar would come to him. 

He showed up minutes later, and Shepard stopped thinking and started acting. Hell, that’s how he’d built his career in the first place. “Scott Ryder.” The name tasted as good on his tongue as the man’s lips, and Shepard crumbled to their gentle invitation. Soft and warm and pliant under his own mouth, Scott yielded to him, offering himself up in whatever fashion Shepard desired, and he hadn’t been able to refuse. 

Later when they’d lain in a tangle on the bed, skin damp from sweat, labored breaths sawing in and out of their chests, bodies spent and sated, Shepard had gazed into those blue eyes, nearly a mirror image of his own, and reveled in the stark happiness he’d found. Scott had smiled at him, and for a few minutes at least, Shepard could pretend that he was just a man. Not the hero or the villain, but just John Shepard, the man underneath the armor and the titles, beneath the burden and the sorrow. A man with feelings and desires and needs. It had felt good, and for one heartbreaking moment, he had let himself believe he could hold onto that feeling. 

It had passed, though, as it always seemed to do, and after spending most of the night lost in each other’s bodies, they’d exchanged dog tags and promises to never forget each other, then parted ways. 

John knew he’d never forget Scott Ryder. For one night, Scott had made him forget who he was and allowed him to be who he wanted to be, and for that Shepard would be eternally grateful. Fingering the tags now, he bit off the bitter sigh of disappointment that had wedged itself deep within his soul. His thumb slid across the name he saw there. “Godspeed, Scott Ryder,” he mumbled into the empty room. “I sure do hope you keep that promise.” 


	2. Chapter 1

Scott’s steps slowed the closer he came to the docking bay. In the distance, he could see the shuttles bound for the Hyperion flying in and out of the docks, shuttling cargo and crew alike back and forth. The process to join the Initiative had taken months of screening. They were sending some of the Milky Way’s best and brightest to the Andromeda galaxy to explore and find a new home for this galaxy’s species. 

He’d been excited about the project from the beginning. The chance to find out what else was out there, to leave the disgrace of the Ryder name and his stalled career behind him, to make a name for himself. It had all been so damned thrilling. His father’s enthusiasm and later, Sara’s, had caught up quickly in Scott’s chest until he was itching to go just as much as they were. Andromeda awaited their arrival, and he should have been happy. Now all he could feel was the heavy hammer of dread with every step he took. Every step carried him closer to Andromeda and further from a hotel room where John Shepard was readying himself to go to prison for an indeterminate period of time. 

That thought alone should have sent him scurrying toward the docking bay as fast as his feet would carry him, but oddly enough, it was that thought that made him wish he could stay. There had been so much pain in Shepard’s eyes, in his voice as he’d said goodbye this morning, as he’d murmured, “It’s kind of a shame we’ll never see each other again,” last night while still buried deep inside Scott’s body. 

He shivered with the memory, the ghost of Shepard’s lips on his stirring something in his soul. This was a mistake, but one he couldn’t correct. It was too late for him. Too late for them. In a matter of hours, Scott would be asleep, hurtling toward the unknown reaches of space, and when he awoke, John Shepard would be long dead, nothing more than a name in the history books for the future generations to wonder about. 

“Who was the first human Spectre?” the books would ask. The answer would be a barren summary of his life and deeds - where he’d grown up, what he’d accomplished, why he was remembered. There’d be no record of how soft his voice could be when sighing out his pleasure, of what he tasted like with whiskey and cigarettes on his tongue. No one would remember how those blue eyes could hold a lover spellbound one moment and break his heart the next. No one would know the desperation of a man who loved deeply, felt acutely, and lived passionately. No textbook would ever accurately portray the misery of Shepard’s expression when he’d pleaded to be remembered as John, the man, and not as Shepard the Commander and Spectre. 

Scott stumbled toward a wall, the edifice keeping him upright when his legs threatened to fail him. No one paid heed to him or the hollow longing burning in his chest. All around him, people prepared for their journey. Millions of light years away, a destiny awaited, and suddenly, Scott didn’t want any part of it. 

\---

“Wow! Looks like you had a good night last night,” Sara teased taking in the multiple hickeys on his neck and purplish lips. Scott simply grinned at her, not offering any information. “Anyone I know?”

Her brother shrugged her off. Alec Ryder gave his son a frown, then just shook his head as he turned his attention back to his work. Scott let himself be led to the examination table where everyone was receiving one last physical plus the injection of the drug cocktail needed to keep them alive and healthy while in cryo-stasis for the next six hundred years. Sara blinked in surprise when she saw the love bites marring her brother's skin. “Seriously? You're going to come in looking like that and not tell me  _ any _ thing?”

“Nope. Not telling you a damn thing.” Scott avoided the eyes of his medical examiner, who was practically glowing in embarrassment.

“You're no fun,” she said with a pout.

“Do you really want to know?”

“Yes!”

“Still not telling.”

“Wait a minute... if you're not telling, that means it  _ is _ someone I know!”

“Or maybe, I just want to keep you guessing,” he teased. ANN was playing in the background, and when he heard Shepard's name, he asked for the volume to be turned up. The report was about Shepard's arrest, detailing the man's actions on the batarian colony of Aratoht and even going so far as to call him the “now-disgraced Spectre.”

“Oh my god,” Sara said, shocked. “I never would have guessed that of Commander Shepard.”

“Don't believe every fucking thing you hear on the news, Sara,” Scott snapped, tugging his shirt back over his head as he jumped down from the table, stalking away from his sister and her goddamned nosiness.

“Hey, no need to get pissy, Scotty,” she said, catching up to him. “What do you care what they say-” Sara stopped dead in her tracks. “No way.”

Scott kept going, and she ran to catch up again, grabbing his arm and spinning him to face her. His twin could always manage to pry his deepest, darkest secrets from him. Maybe that was because he wore his feelings on his goddamned shirt sleeve. His father had constantly warned him it was a weakness, while his mother had always praised him for his empathy, calling it a sign of strength. Right now it sure as hell felt like a disadvantage. He and Shepard had bonded last night. It wasn't the bond of eternal love or anything so ridiculous or romantic. If it had been, he wouldn't be here right now. It was just two lonely souls finding something they needed for the night in the arms of another. Still, it felt important to Scott, and he didn't want his twin making light of it.

“There's no way in fucking hell you slept with Commander Shepard last night,” she said, scowling with her hands on her hips.

“You said it,” he quipped, turning and resuming his path once more.

“You did, didn't you? Oh my god!”

“Real original, Sara. Can't you think of anything else to say?”

“How about, 'Holy shit, I can't believe you screwed Commander fucking Shepard!' instead?”

“Is there no one else you can harass right now?” He wasn't going to lie to her. Evasion. Evasion was his go-to tactic when it came to dealing with his sister.

She started sing-songing, “Scotty and Shepard sittin' in a-”

“Can it, Sara,  _ Jesus! _ ” He whirled around to face her. “Yes, okay? Yes, it was him, and it's none of your fucking business!”

“Hey,” she said more softly. “What gives? I've never seen you so worked up over a one-night stand before.”

Scott heaved a sigh and wandered over to a crate, plopping himself down onto it. His sister sat beside him wrapping an arm around his back and propping her chin on his shoulder. “It was... different,” he said quietly. “Not love. I mean... there's no... We just... connected in a way that's never happened before. Hell, even if we weren't leaving in a few hours, he and I couldn't be together. It's a goddamned miracle that our paths happened to cross when they did... I don't know.. it's fucking complicated, alright?”

“I understand that,” she said, no hint of teasing in her voice.

“I think it was just something we both needed, and I appreciate that. He did too, I think.”

“I'm sure he did.”

“Anyway, I know how you love to tease, but... just let me have this, okay?”

“Anything you want, Scotty. You know that.”

“Thanks,” he said with a sheepish smile.

“Though, I'm not going to pretend I'm not a little jealous.”

Scott grinned. "You should be," he said, laughing when she punched him on the arm. "We'd better get back to work before dad comes looking for us.”

“How much you wanna bet I'll get boots on the ground first when we get to Andromeda?” Sara asked skipping away from him down the hall.

“How much you wanna bet I'll make it to the cryo-chamber before you?” he shouted as he raced past her.

A hint of fear settled in his chest as the stasis pod closed over his head. He gripped Shepard's tags in his fist, closed his eyes, imagined crystal blue eyes staring down at him, and smiled. Six hundred years was a long time to dream, but at least he had something worthwhile to dream about.

\---

He awoke to the world around him slowly, head full of wool and ears ringing painfully in the background. Someone was waving a light in his face, gloved hand moving back and forth, and it was enough to send a lance of pain to the back of his skull. Apparently, six hundred years in cryo fucked up the body something fierce. 

The gloved hand and blinding light pulled back and Scott found he could focus a little better on his surroundings and the figure in front of him. 

It was all austere white walls and slate greys, the clean and sterile scent of a hospital all around them. It was also cold, very cold. His body shivered at the realization and he scrubbed his arms to try and generate some semblance of warmth. The walls were covered in cryo-pods and blinking lights which threatened his head again, so instead, he turned his focus to the person in front of him. The gloved hands connected to covered arms and covered torso, in fact, the figure was completely enclosed in a tight-fitting bodysuit, complete with a helmet and ornamental hood. 

Confusion fuddled his already wool filled brain when he recognized a Quarian suit and distinctly Quarian legs and fingers. 

“Vitals are stable, you’ll be a bit groggy, but that will fade quickly enough.”

Scott closed his eyes and dropped his head into his hands, fighting sudden nausea that threatened to have him emptying his stomach all over the shiny white floor. 

“W-what is a Quarian doing on the human ark? I don’t remember being briefed about you.”

The Quarian paused in reading his vitals to give him a long look. Her eyes glowed an eerie silver behind the dark mask. She was soft-spoken when she finally replied. “You are not on the Human Ark, Scott Ryder. I take it you were not updated before the transfer?”

He swallowed back the rising bile and fear before squinting up at the woman before him. “T-transfer? What are you talking about? What do you mean I’m not on the Human Ark? Where else would I be?”

Silence was his answer. It was heavy and crushing, and panic began to settle in on Scott’s shoulders, tight and straining, enough to give him the beginnings of a headache. The telltale low throbbing built behind his eyes, promising pain to come. He concentrated on taking deep breaths to try and quell the fear while his mind raced with all sorts of possibilities. Part of him was already piecing everything together, while the other was screaming denials.

His observer finally broke off from checking his vitals and the uncomfortable silence was filled with halted words. “This may come as quite a shock, but you are currently on board the Quarian Ark, Keelah Si'yah.”

Scott let out the breath he was holding and nodded, the denials faded to distant screams while his fears were confirmed. “My father sent me here while I was in cryo-stasis?” The Quarian nodded and he continued. “Have we left yet or…?”

Silver eyes stared back impassively from behind her dark mask before she shook her head. “No. The Ark is still experiencing difficulties with its systems and various…well, other delicate matters.”

“H-have the others…” He stopped and cleared his throat. “The other Arks, have they left yet?”

“Yes. The other Arks left approximately two weeks ago as far as we can tell.” She glanced at the Data Pad in her hand one more time before checking something off and nodding to herself. “Well everything looks good, so I’d say you’re cleared for duty.”

“Duty? Duty for what? I was part of the Human Pathfinder Team and now I’m here? Just what the hell am I supposed to do?” He had ended in a shout, and the Quarian just shook her head, unable to answer.

Another voice rang through the facility, deeper and clipped with annoyance. “How about you stop shouting like a lunatic, for one.” A male Quarian appeared through a side door, tall and stern. “Second, stop harassing my workers and report to the Pathfinder on the bridge. She will debrief you.”

He pointed the way to the exit, and shame-faced, Scott scurried through the sliding door and kept his eyes on the floor all the way to the lift. His stomach was roiling and his mind was churning, rage and grief warred within him. His father had sent him away while he had been asleep. His sister was long gone and by the time this ark finally reached Andromeda, she could have been long settled on their golden world. 

The lift began its slow ascent to the bridge and Scott rested his head against the cool steel. He wondered about the Quarian pathfinder, if she was as much of a hardass as his father griped about. He wondered what kind of duty he would be assigned. He wondered what Sara would think when she woke up in Andromeda without him. He wondered what the actual hell his father had been thinking. He wondered what Shepard was doing right this minute. Scott wondered how he was gonna get through this. 

Each Ark was built with a similar design, the layout so indistinguishable he was able to find his way in a daze of thought. All too soon, he was waving open the doors to the bridge and stepping through. The room was a hub of activity, people striding back and forth with purpose, data-pads in hand, and virtually ignoring him. 

Pathfinder Tala’Senath stood in the center of the room, still as a statue, arms held behind her back at military parade rest. Noticing him she beckoned him over and wasted no time with unnecessary introductions. Scott had been briefed on each of the Arks Pathfinders and obviously, she knew who he was. 

“Ryder, glad to see you finally awake.”

“Ma’am. I was told you would be able to explain exactly why I am here and not on the Hyperion with the rest of the Human colonists.”

“Indeed. It was decided that the other Arks would not delay their launch despite the troubles that we have been having, despite the fact that we are the only multi-species ark in the Initiative.” She shook her head violently and the malice in her voice was unmistakable. “It was decided that since the other Arks were unwilling to delay, they should, at least, show some measure of support to the efforts we are providing for this immense undertaking.”

“And that’s where I come in?” Scott already knew the answer, felt that sinking confirmation once more in the pit of his stomach. Alec Ryder had used his only son as an expedient to placate the Quarian Pathfinder.

Tala’Senath nodded, “You and others like yourself. One member of each Ark’s Pathfinder team was sent to us to show a unified vision for the Initiative. An act of faith and goodwill to show confidence that we will indeed be launching to Andromeda once our…difficulties are taken care of.”

“Understood ma’am,” he was proud of how steady his voice was even as his hands clenched to fists, even as his shoulders burned with tension.

“Good. As a member of the Keelah Si’Yah, you are expected to contribute with the ongoing repairs and maintenance of the ship. Will that be a problem?”

“No ma’am, though I was reconnaissance for the Pathfinder squad. I’m not sure how much use I’ll be with repairs.”

She seemed to consider that a moment before waving a hand in dismissal. “I’m sure we can find you some manual tasks you’ll be suited to. Your omni-tool has been updated with information about your quarters and your day-to-day duties. Dismissed.”

The young biotic left in a stupor, mind swimming and on the verge of a nervous break.

Scott had known that there was unrest with the Quarian Ark and the other species who were sharing it. He had known some had called for the other Arks to delay their departure, to wait till Keelah Si’Yah was launch ready. What Scott hadn’t known was how desperate they were. That the Initiative had been so eager to placate those left behind that Alec Ryder would send his only son as some kind of… tribute, a promise - that they weren’t forgotten, that the Initiative was still backing their enterprise. Scott was a  _ thing _ bartered away by his own father to allow for the other Arks to leave on schedule, and from what he could tell, the other arks had done the same. One member of each pathfinder team given away. He breathed out a long sigh and ran his hands through his hair. 

Left behind. 

Scott made his way to his quarters, his omni-tool beeping helpfully to lead the way. It was a short trip, the living quarters not far from the bridge. His room was small and sparsely furnished, just a twin bed, a side table with a matching chair, and a storage locker for the few belongings he had. It was all white with pale blue accents. 

It all felt terribly sterile, like a hospital room, and with no window. 

A data-pad rested on the table with his current assignment and the specs needed to complete the job. It was the day cycle but he didn’t have to start his workday for another two hours. It was all so surreal. For Scott, it had only been a little over an hour ago when he had been put into cryo and now, here he was, two weeks gone and this terrible ache in his chest. He missed his sister. Her comforting presence and her cheerful smile. He missed her snark and the way she could lift his spirits with a few simple words. 

Hell, he was even missing his father. Messed up as that relationship was, Alec was still his family - his  _ dad _ . And in the back of his mind, in the deepest pit of his stomach rested another agony... 

Scott Ryder missed John Shepard.

Two whole hours till his shift began. He curled onto the bed and cried.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!


	3. Chapter 2

Shepard glanced around the room - his cell. Things could certainly be worse. The entirety of it wasn’t constructed of metal, and there were no iron bars. It didn’t make it feel like any less of a cage though. Most of the amenities of home were present - sofas, a desk in the corner, a little bed, a private bath. At least he wouldn’t have to give up his showers. 

His meals would be delivered at the appropriate times. His laundry would be taken care of. He’d be provided with entertainment in the form of vids and books, allowed access to the gym and courtyard at regular intervals. He could survive this. For how long remained to be seen, but for now, it would have to do. It wasn’t like he was overwhelmed with options at the moment. 

A rather large lieutenant stood against the wall behind him, watching his movements as he familiarized himself with the small space. Honestly, he didn’t care where they stuffed him. For the time being, it seemed he’d lost the will to give a damn about anything at all. The end of the world was coming as fast as its eezo cores could carry it, and all the Alliance cared about was saving face. A bunch of short-sighted fools was what they were, but despite his achievements and titles, his voice had never carried very much weight with the defense committee, if any. 

“What was your name again?” Shepard asked the mountain of a man. In another life, Shepard would have been turning on the charm right about now, wheedling his way into the man’s pants as quickly as possible. He was hot, and just the sort of thing that would have distracted Shepard from his current troubles - in another life. 

“James Vega.”

Shepard nodded. Now he had no interest. Last night with Scott Ryder had been extraordinary, and he was sure they’d experienced a once in a lifetime sort of connection. Shepard wasn’t the type of guy to look for meaning in every situation. Sometimes fucking was just fucking, and he knew that better than anyone. While that’s all he’d been looking for - and honestly, truly, he hadn’t even gone looking for that - he couldn’t deny that there was a deeper current there. One he wouldn’t mind exploring more. 

Now that spark he’d felt the night before, and again this morning, left him with an emptiness that he couldn’t reason with. Closing his eyes, he thought about the man and his blue eyes, his whiskered jaw and muscled chest. By now Scott would be in cryostasis, asleep for the next six hundred years, and even if Shepard could leave this very minute, he could never catch up. He knew it. Scott was gone, and a bitter sort of barrenness crept into Shepard’s bones. 

Every good thing he ever touched slipped through his fingers like grains of sand, and he had to wonder why. Futile and fruitless though it may be, Shepard couldn’t help questioning it. Some were born into full lives, complete with the satisfaction and joy that came with ease and love. Others were slaves to poverty and turmoil, never able to clench their fists quite tightly enough to hold onto anything fine or worthy or decent for any length of time. 

Opening his eyes again, he sighed, wandering over to the window to study the landscape below. A park on top of a lower building took up the majority of his view. Children ran while their parents lounged on benches. A dog chased a ball, barking the whole way. Shepard couldn’t hear it, but he could imagine it. 

When he was a kid, he had this old mongrel who’d followed him around for a few weeks before getting picked up by the pound. The two of them had subsisted on pilfered food from outdoor cafes and the pity of elderly women. They had a soft spot for filthy little boys. He tried to never think of the dog’s fate, hoping that maybe someone had adopted the thing. It was a longshot, but he could never bear the thought of the alternative. 

“How’d you end up here?” he asked, realizing that James Vega was still standing there watching him.

“Anderson wanted me.” 

Shepard nodded again, not really in the mood to talk. James Vega didn’t appear to be going anywhere, however. “You’re under orders to stand there watching my every move?” 

“Until the admiral gets here, yes.” 

He huffed and turned his attention back to the park below, watching a little boy in a white hoodie playing with a model ship. The kid was too far away to make out what kind of ship it was. There hadn’t been any toys or carefree evenings spent playing when John was a child. Seeing the boy, loved and protected, secure enough in his safety to play with such abandon sent the ghost of a smile across Shepard’s face. 

Anderson arrived and detailed the next few days’ events. A tribunal before the defense committee. The sentencing hearing. A rash of medical exams and psychiatric evaluations. Shepard listened to it all with an air of boredom, supplying the appropriate answers to all of Anderson’s questions. Weariness settled its icy fingers down deep inside of him, and Shepard’s body began to ache with it, muscles and joints begging for the relief of sleep and rest. Some part of his mind registered that he was hungry, but no food had been offered to him, so he remained silent, resigned to this imprisonment and the feelings of worthlessness it inspired. 

In truth, Shepard’s moments of self-worth were few and far between, mostly centered around military accomplishments - and once in the arms of a blue-eyed stranger, now lost to him forever. Anderson’s eyes held a hint of pity that Shepard despised, and anger swept through him, swift and brutal, but burning out before it had the chance to do any damage. 

“I have managed to arrange it so that you’ll be allowed visitors once the evaluations are done,” the admiral informed him from the doorway. “Vega’s room adjoins yours. He’ll be standing by on a moment’s notice.” 

“Thanks,” Shepard said, having no idea what else he could say. Words wouldn’t change the situation he found himself in, a hell of his own making, built of choices that had seemed right and righteous at the time, but which had left a trail of destruction and corpses in his wake. 

The idea of visitors was appealing, but Garrus was back on Palaven, Tali with the fleet, Liara buried under her data feeds somewhere in the Hourglass Nebula, the rest of the crew scattered to the four winds. Kaidan refused to acknowledge his existence, and the one person he longed to see above all the others was gone. No more than a memory that brushed against his fingertips like a phantom. 

\---

The meetings and medical appointments were draining, but Shepard realized that a week had passed before he knew it. Long and tiring as the days had been, they’d at least occupied enough of his time to keep him from being able to reflect on just how miserable he was. He’d had no visitors, other than James Vega who wasn’t so much a visitor as he was a jailer, but while he wasn’t surprised, he did find himself bothered by it. Those who would wish to see him would be prohibited by either their distance from the earth or the connections of their past. That left him decidedly alone when he wasn’t being aggravated by the defense committee and their goons. 

Anderson had sent word that he was doing everything he could to make sure his confinement was as short-lived and pain-free as possible. Shepard had scoffed at the notion, knowing that he was stuck here for the duration. If he ever saw daylight outside of this window or the detainees’ courtyard below for as long as he lived, it would be a damned miracle. 

He’d undergone the tribunal - which precipitated no change in the minds of the committee. His sentencing hearing had left him with an open-ended sentence while the committee assigned  _ another  _ committee to investigate Shepard’s claims. “This is a repetition of our task,” Captain Kirrahe had told him a lifetime ago. “I lost half my men  _ investigating _ this place.” The memory of the words yanked a derisive laugh out of Shepard’s chest. Their relevance to the farce of a trial and investigation conducted by the defense committee was remarkable. 

The last of the psychiatric and medical evaluations had been completed the day before, with the doctors declaring that he was fit for visitors. Shepard had made some quip about waiting for the visitors to line up outside his door, then followed Vega back to his cell, consumed his meager dinner, then stared out the window until it was time to sleep.

The morning dawned overcast and drizzling, rather standard for Vancouver weather. Since he didn’t have to be out in it, Shepard didn’t care one way or another. It had been ingrained in him at boot camp, the academy, and ICT not to let fickle things such as weather conditions affect how he conducted his job. So he didn’t, taking it all with a grain of salt, gritting his teeth against the worst of the storms and going about his business. It had become a sort of depressing metaphor for his life. 

His meals were always hot, if flavorless, and one thing he could credit the chef with was consistency. This morning, like all the others, Vega tried to lure him into some conversation or another - the Vancouver Knights were playing the Seattle Sorcerers; the new Blasto movie debuted last night; an asari burlesque show was coming to town; there was an all-male revue the next weekend. The last had earned a raised eyebrow and a half grin from Shepard. He would actually pay money to see that, a good bit of it in fact, but as things stood… well… It’d be awhile before he was seeing any naked bodies outside of his own reflection in the mirror. 

James tried jokes, which performed better than the list of upcoming events that Shepard wouldn’t be attending. He managed to coax a smile out of the reluctant Commander more than a few times and exactly one belly laugh when he’d told a joke about the difference between Commander Shepard and a krogan. He assured James that he did only have two testicles, despite the rumors and conjecture. Cerberus may have given him a few extra parts and pieces but they hadn’t gone that far. And yes, he admitted, after James’ nervous question, all his plumbing still worked correctly. He chuckled at the lieutenant’s embarrassed cheeks, passing his now-empty plate toward the man to be disposed of. 

It always took James exactly seventeen minutes, no more, no less to retrieve his meal trays, another seventeen to dispose of them once the meal was complete. If it took eighteen it was because James had run into someone wanting to talk, and James was too nice a guy to tell them to fuck off immediately. This morning it took him twenty-two minutes to dispose of their breakfast dishes, and the fact that Shepard was counting was beyond disturbing. 

Counting minutes, memorizing the patterns on the floor, wall, and ceiling, and the schedules of the families across the way - these had become his primary sources of entertainment, or at least a way to pass the time. Perhaps he’d always been a little anal about keeping to the routine, but it griped him when the least little thing was thrown off. Like James taking twenty-two minutes to dispose of their breakfast dishes when it should only have taken seventeen - eighteen at the most. 

“Commander you have a visitor,” James said when he arrived, and Shepard was so shocked he forgot that he was put out about the subtle schedule change. Figuring it must be someone from the committee or one of his doctors or perhaps even Anderson or Hackett themselves, Shepard turned to face the door, locking his expression into the one that was expected of him, holding himself erect at perfect parade rest. 

Nothing could have prepared him for the man who walked through his door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cliffhangers? In our fic? More likely than you think :O Thanks for reading <3


	4. Chapter 3

Kaidan Alenko glared at the condensation on his glass, brown eyes watching as the little droplets of water slid down the sides. They soaked the coaster and wet fingers that clenched the fragile glass, just this side of too tight. At this point he wasn’t sure if he was nursing a budding migraine or a hangover, all he knew was it was probably too early to be this drunk, but hell, it was the Citadel, a city that never slept. 

Some species lived and worked on really messed up time schedules, and all the bartender knew or cared to know was he had credits to spend and a desire to be shitfaced. The place was some dive bar in the back end of nowhere in the lower wards, dank and seedy. Just the sort of place he would have turned his nose at if he had been in a better state of mind. As it was, the dim lighting, shitty music, and dirty floor suited him just fine for the moment.

Tossing back the glass he slammed it down and tapped the counter for another, some foul stuff that passed for whiskey, it burned all the way down and set his stomach on fire. It tasted terrible but it hit like a brick. Perfect.

The bartender, a pale blue asari rolled their eyes and sighed dramatically while pouring. The asari looked like they had zero fucks to give and got about as much enjoyment out of their job as Kaidan his whiskey. Once finished, they trounced back to their corner, settling into the most convincing “disinterested asshole” persona Kaidan had seen in awhile. He looked down at the amber liquid, filled to the brim, held in a bitter snicker, and took a long sip.

It slithered down his throat and settled in his gut like fire, unable to suppress a shudder. Kaidan went back to glaring at his glass, as if it would solve his problems, as if it would solve the Alliance’s problems, hell, as if it would solve the galaxies problems. 

John -fucking- Shepard, Hero of Elysium, Commander of the Normandy, Savior of the Citadel, that man was the problem Kaidan was currently mulling over. He was the Alliance’s problem too, and the Reapers were _ everyone’s _ problem. 

He sighed and took another sip. This downward spiral had been a long time coming, ever since he saw Shepard again on Horizon, ever since he lost his shit and said words he didn’t really mean. Anger and bitterness, shock and pain had boiled within him when the biotic saw Shepard on Horizon, a man he thought long dead, a man he mourned, a man he…cared for. Those feelings had burst forth, Kaidan reacting by lashing out. Strong shoulders slumped under the assault, blue eyes filled with uncertain hope had dimmed, and Kaidan had done that. His words, his actions.

A bitter, slightly hysterical laugh threatened to bubble up and like any good marine would, he shoved it back down with a generous gulp of his drink. 

If only he hadn’t been so fool stubborn, if only he had been willing to throw it all away for Shepard, like Garrus and Tali, like Chawkwas and the others. If only he had followed. Maybe then he could have had an influence on Shepard, stopped him from blowing up that relay, from killing all those people. All those innocents. The hysterical laugh surfaced and he placed his head on the counter as he fought back tears. 

Everything was so fucked up now. All his fears and doubts about Shepard being real, whether he was being controlled by Cerberus or not, they plagued his mind now. He could have been there, could have done something, anything. Kaidan needed to know if the man he saw on Horizon, the one who looked like John and talked like John was really him. He needed to know for his own peace of mind and yet he was here, paralyzed by his own fear, uncertainty, and guilt. Kaidan Alenko, Major of the Alliance Navy, head instructor of the first biotic black ops squad was wallowing in a dive bar on the citadel, running from his problems once again. It was pathetic and he knew it. Didn’t stop him from polishing of his whiskey and ordering another, pretending he didn’t notice the asari’s sympathetic glance as they filled the cup to the top.

On days like today, he cursed his biotic metabolism, the damn thing making it hard as hell to get and stay buzzed. Sometimes a man just wanted to get blackout drunk, damn the consequences in the morning. Long gone were the days he could do that. 

Kaidan was lost in his thoughts, wallowing in self-pity when a loud and violent thump at his side rattled through him, he felt it from his spine all the way to his toes. Glancing warily next to him he felt a thrill of pleasure as recognized the krogan next to him, enough for a small smile to break through his miserable glower.

“You look like shit Alenko. Weren’t you one of the pretty humans?” The smile dropped and the scowl returned, making Wrex bark out a laugh.

“As if you’re one to talk Wrex, you’re uglier than a vorcha in a strip club.” The krogan belted out a chuckle and slapped Kaidan on the back with enough force to spill his drink and cause a muffled ‘oof’ to escape his lips.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about kid, _ everyone _ loves me.” He gave the bartender a wink as he noticed the asari eyeing him up and down.

Kaidan hid his grimace behind a swig of his remaining whiskey…some people’s tastes. Not that he had anything against the krogan, just the idea of sex with one did not have a lot of appeal. Sex with Wrex even less so. 

“So, to what do we owe the pleasure of a visit by the great leader of Clan Urdnot, eh?” Kaidan made sure to project his voice for the asari’s benefit and earned a look of approval from the clan lord. 

“Well, I had council business on the citadel and a little birdie told me you were doing your damnedest to drink yourself to death. Did you know you got people spying on you Alenko?”

The biotic blinked as he processed the new information before slowly shaking his head. He would have to be more careful on the Citadel, more observant of those around him. His companion looked around and locked on the vid-screen that was regaling the horrors that former Commander Shepard had inflicted upon the galaxy, mostly about the destroyed relay, the deaths of all those batarians, and his very public arrest. The same reports that had sent Kaidan reeling and searching for a place his students would never find him to get drunk.

A low rumbling “ah” pierced his reverie and he looked up to see Wrex nodding to himself. The krogan glanced his way and gave him a once-over before nodding again. “Yeah, your actions make a lot more sense now. Shepard always could send you over the edge.”

Of course, Wrex would bring that up, the depressive spiral Kaidan had fallen into in the weeks after Shepard’s death. In the wake of his realization that he loved John Shepard, the biotic had taken a leave of absence from the Alliance, taking up the krogan’s offer to visit Tuchanka for a while. Almost inexplicably, Kaidan and Wrex had hit it off while working together on the original Normandy, bonding over their shared battle experiences. Though the tipping point had been when Kaidan had blasted a krogan battle lord through a wall with his biotics.

He scowled at his whiskey and shook his head, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

The krogan’s booming laugh echoed off the walls and he felt his teeth rattle as Wrex slapped him on the back again. “If I know you, and I do, you’re probably thinking, ‘this is all my fault, if only I had done better, I miss Shepard…’ yadda yadda.” The krogan leaned down so they were eye to eye. “How close am I getting?”

“You’re full of shit Wrex,” Kaidan said with a glower.

“And I’m a varren’s uncle.” 

Kaidan blinked in mock surprise. “Are you? I didn’t know. Are congratulations in order?”

“Stuff it Alenko. We’re talking about you and your need to make things right with Shepard.”

“Oh are we? Is that what we’re doing?”

“Do you remember when you visited Tuchanka? How you felt when you first arrived? Surrounded by angry krogan’s wanting to spit roast you or stick you in the varren pits?”

“Yeah, I do remember Wrex. I had to fight a few off with my biotics before you showed your mug and placated them. What’s your point?” Kaidan scowled into the empty glass and tapped the counter again, the tingling buzz was fading and he wasn’t sure he wanted to keep having this conversation stone sober. 

The krogan chuckled fondly at the memory and leaned in nice and close, and for anyone else, the gesture would have been incredibly intimidating. Kaidan knew better, Wrex was loyal and true to his friends, honest to a fault and all he expected back was the same. The asari came by and topped off his whiskey, gaze lingering longer than necessary before scowling as another patron called for attention.

“My point, Alenko, is this. Remember how terrible it felt, being surrounded on all sides by the enemy? How good it felt having someone in your corner, batting for you, vouching for you?”

Kaidan took a deep breath and a swig of whiskey, before letting out an exasperated sigh. Score one for Wrex, he managed to turn the conversation rather well. “This is about Shepard.”

“Damn right it’s about Shepard.” The krogan rolled his eyes, a universal gesture apparently, for the species that had them, and snatched the glass from Kaidan’s hand, downing the drink in one gulp. The krogan stared at the empty glass with a frown before focusing back on the biotic. “Shepard is surrounded by those who want to tear him down, his allies few. Get your shit together Alenko, make it right with Shepard. He needs you and obviously, you’ve been a mess since that fiasco at Horizon. Shepard has been too.”

Wrex waved him off before he could even get started asking his question. “Shepard told me about it a while back when he visited for Grunt’s rite of passage. You weren’t the only one upset about how things went down. Shepard’s just too stubborn to admit it, like you.”

“I doubt he’d even want to see me Wrex, he’s got enough on his plate without me barging in and demanding reconciliation.”

“Bah!” The krogan snorted, a loud and violent thing, startling a few of the patrons around them. “You’re not this stupid Kaidan, you know Shepard would want to make things right between you two. He’s been arrested not promoted to a new position. He’s gonna have a lot of time on his hands and you know it.” 

Scrubbing his face tiredly, the biotic let out a defeated huff. He was out of arguments, and deep down Kaidan really wanted this, someone to convince him to visit Shepard. To try and reach out and make amends. He hadn’t lied on Horizon, losing Shepard really had felt like losing a limb, a part of himself he hadn’t even realized how much he relied on, cared for…and if he was honest, loved. 

Throwing himself into work had seemed the best way to avoid confronting the realization that he loved Shepard and that it would never be. The commander had been dead and Kaidan had been lost. His career, the challenges faced there helped him forget, helped him avoid. And when, on Horizon, he was confronted with all those bottled up feelings, festering and broiling over, all that he could do was lash out in pain and anger. Shepard hadn’t deserved that, hadn’t deserved any of it. That was on Kaidan, the guilt something he would shoulder for a long time. 

It was time to stop running. It was time to face the consequences of his actions. 

Wrex gently nudged his shoulder, bringing the younger man out of his reverie, eyes and posture expectant. 

“Yeah, you’re right of course. I’ll think about it.” The skeptical look he got in return made him huff a laugh. “Honest Wrex. I’m not set to leave the Citadel for another week, my students earned a little leave and I’m not going to deny them that for the sake of my love life.”

“Good…good.” Wrex nodded distractedly, eyeing the asari up and down, the object of his gaze preening under the attention. “Now that that’s settled, it’s time for us to focus on _ my _ love life…time to brush off those wingman skills, Alenko.”

\----------

The following week passed by in a haze for Kaidan, going back and forth, wrestling with himself and his decision to visit Shepard while he was in lockup. His overthinking could be his worst enemy at times, but in the end, the decision was made, and damn it all, he was going to work things out with Shepard. If the man refused him at the door, then at least he tried, his conscious could rest. 

Apart from some gentle teasing and ribbing from his students on the freighter as they traveled back to Earth, Kaidan made the journey in relative silence. Lost in his thoughts and his daydreams of the reunion awaiting him, most of them were positive, some less so. 

Much to his annoyance, and secret relief, when he finally made it back to Vancouver, and his students were settled, he was told Shepard wasn’t allowed visitors. Anderson had been kind, of course, and explained the situation Shepard was in. With the trial, the evaluations and Defense Committee hearings, Shepard would be busy for a while, but once he was cleared of the psych evaluations, he could receive visitors.

With the promise that Anderson would contact him when Shepard was available, Kaidan left with a frustrating feeling of disappointment and relief. The confrontation would wait, pushed back a little longer. 

Part of him wanted to just get it over with, rip off the Band-Aid, so to speak. The other desperately wanted to hide and never face the potential rejection. Kaidan wasn’t sure how’d he’d handle that if Shepard truly wanted nothing to do with him ever again. It would be like losing him all over again. 

Once more he poured himself into his work, teaching his students everything he knew, doing his best to prepare them for situations they might encounter. Another week passed and when he got the notification from Anderson that Shepard was cleared for visitors, he felt the telltale trill of dread and excitement. This was a long time coming.

Lieutenant Vega met him at the security checkpoint, a small mountain of a man with a kind face. Kaidan knew him by reputation only. The walk to Shepard’s cell was made in somber silence, each man keeping to themselves, the tread of their boots and the occasional squeak of rubber on tiled floors the only thing breaking it. 

All too soon Kaidan faced the door that held Shepard, the man he both longed and feared to see. Vega palmed the lock, a bio-scanner that read his genetic imprint and verified he was still breathing and not just a severed hand before the lock disengaged, a luminous green light granting access. Vega entered first and after a brief moment of hesitation, Kaidan followed. The other man’s words were lost to him as his eyes sought out Shepard. 

Kaidan’s heart beat erratically in his chest, his body freezing as blue eyes, filled with shock, met his own. They stood staring a moment before he flushed in embarrassment, breaking eye contact to stare at a corner of the room, hand scratching behind his neck in an old tell of nerves. He cleared his throat and risked another glance at his former commander.

“Hey, Shepard.”


	5. Chapter 4

“Hey, Shepard.”

Shepard blinked as he stared at the mirage before him. Maybe he was asleep and dreaming. James hadn’t just walked in and told him he had a visitor; Kaidan Alenko hadn’t walked in behind him barely able to meet Shepard’s eyes. John gaped at the man until Kaidan began fidgeting nervously, rubbing the back of his neck in near distress. 

“Kaidan?” he asked at last. His voice sounded weaker than he meant for it to, and Shepard was reeling. Having been trained since the age of eighteen to handle any situation thrown at him, he was floundering, and he knew it. His brain refused to supply words for the questions whirling around in his mind, and so he stood, gaping like a nitwit while Kaidan struggled. 

“Can, uh… May I come in?” Kaidan asked him.

John blinked and involuntarily grasped at a sliver of hope, his stomach doing cartwheels inside his torso. With a stiff nod, he retreated further into the room, turning his back to Kaidan just long enough to reign in his control. When he faced the man again, he’d easily wrapped the mantle of Commander Shepard around his shoulders. It had become his personal shield as much as the Alliance’s weapon. The Commander could protect John from things that were too painful to face.

Kaidan saw it. Of course, he did, and the slight slump of the man’s shoulders, the fleeting crinkle between his eyes, hurt Shepard more than it had any right to. Drawing a deep breath, Shepard forced himself to relax. “It’s good to see you,” John confessed quietly, and the words leaving his mouth carried a small amount of tension with them. The tiny smile Kaidan gave him even more so. 

“It’s good to see you too, Shepard.” 

Always Shepard. Never John.

The Commander resisted the urge to sigh. He didn’t know why he’d let himself get his hopes up in the first place. “You want to sit down?” 

“...Yeah… That… that would be good.” 

John watched the man move across the room. He’d never seen Kaidan this jumpy, like the least movement on Shepard’s part would spook him and send him fleeing from the room. He couldn’t imagine what on Earth could rattle the calm, collected marine. Kaidan had never displayed anything less than complete and total control before. 

Alenko sat on the edge of the couch, ready to make a quick getaway if necessary, and Shepard wondered why he’d bothered to come at all if it was this uncomfortable for him. He watched as Kaidan stared at his hands, clasped between his knees, and the strain from earlier swept back in, suffocating him. 

“Are you alright?” John felt almost sick with the idea that Kaidan didn’t want to be here. Despite that knowledge, Shepard couldn’t bear the thought of him leaving. Kaidan met his eyes, finally, and John wondered if he could read the desperate, silent plea in them.  _ Don’t leave me alone again.  _

Kaidan nodded. “I’m fine. I just… you wanna sit down, too?” 

Shepard shrugged and did as he was asked, situating himself at the far end of the sofa. Kaidan was watching him, expression indecipherable. “How have you been?” Shepard asked when Kaidan didn’t say anything else. 

John was suddenly aware of the presence of James Vega. The Lieutenant lurked by the door, staring straight ahead and trying to pretend he wasn’t listening to every word they said. He felt self-conscious about the fact that he was botching this chance to talk to Kaidan and see where they stood, to find out if there was any cause for him to hold out hope for a future that saw them as more than Commander and subordinate. As more than friends. As more than the reluctant enemies they were now. 

Sitting up straighter, he turned his gaze to Vega. The man caught the movement and the silent question in Shepard’s eyes. “Sorry Commander,” he said quietly. “Defense committee’s orders.” 

Kaidan’s nervousness seemed to increase tenfold, and Shepard suppressed a curse. Both men inhaled deeply, exhaled slowly, and began talking at once. A slight, skittish chuckle followed, and when Kaidan smiled at him - a little bit shy, a whole lot sexy - Shepard’s heart tried to race right out of his chest. 

“I’m good, Shepard,” he said at last. “Been keeping busy.” 

At least the small talk would get them _ talking _ , which was honestly something Shepard never expected to happen again. “Tell me about it,” he said. So Kaidan did. He explained about his promotion to Major, about the biotics squad, and Shepard listened with rapt attention. Kaidan’s enthusiasm for his students was priceless, and John reveled in the sense of nostalgia he felt, just sitting back between missions, shooting the shit with Kaidan. It felt good, like a homecoming he hadn’t known to expect. 

John Shepard had no home, never had. There was nowhere he could go back to for comfort and childhood memories, for tastes of mom’s apple pie. So he clung to the feeling of warmth that came from listening to Kaidan. He let the man’s honey-smooth voice soothe and comfort him the way he imagined it would be if he was in a place where he felt safe and loved. 

Kaidan asked about Shepard’s life since the Lazarus Project, and though he began with a hint of wariness, John opened up. He talked about the new ship and the new crew; about the work they did and the destruction of the Collector base. The longer he talked, the more Kaidan’s face fell until eventually, Shepard’s words ground to a slow stop. He cursed the awkwardness that came rushing back in and didn’t know what else to do or say other than stare at his fingers between his knees. 

The Major stood to pace, and John watched him, unable to get a sense of where his thoughts were, of why he’d come, of what could be done about this stifling, fucking tension between them. Kaidan came to rest by the window, elbow against the glass, forehead propped on his fist. Shepard could barely bring himself to look at the man, and the sentiment seemed mutual. 

With a sigh, Kaidan breathed out a phrase Shepard never thought to hear, “I’m sorry, Shepard… About Horizon, I mean. I just… You were standing there and I… I just, I shut you down, didn’t give you a chance to explain yourself. To be honest, I didn’t want to hear it.” 

John stared at his fingers, now curled into fists. He wasn’t sure what to say to that, what to feel. He’d longed for the words, for the reprieve granted by Kaidan’s forgiveness, but it didn’t feel how he’d imagined it would. Instead of being a relief, the words left him feeling restless and agitated. He stood to pace, himself, wishing to god he could have just one shot of bourbon or something - anything - to take the edge off this gnawing feeling inside his chest. 

His movement caught Kaidan’s eye, and the man turned to face him, leaning his back against the window and crossing his arms over his chest. Kaidan had always been good at sensing when Shepard had something to say. He knew how to give the Commander the space and time he needed. Only this time, Shepard had no idea what  _ to _ say. Should he just accept the apology and work through these wretched feelings on his own, or should he speak his mind, letting Kaidan glimpse the enormity of the decision he’d been faced with? Finally meeting Kaidan’s eyes, he saw the questions that begged answering, the stern set of Alenko’s jaw that told him he wouldn’t let this go. Shepard knew they’d never be able to move forward as friends or otherwise if they didn’t settle this soon. 

Watching Kaidan staring at him felt surreal, and every second felt like an hour as he stood, rooted to the floor and wondering how in hell he could possibly explain himself. There was no defense for what he’d done, no justification that a man like Kaidan Alenko would accept, and yet he knew he’d do it again if presented with the same options. It was horrific, inexcusable, and Shepard saw the faces of the dead every night when he closed his eyes to try to sleep. He’d seen the ruckus raised by the media and the field day they’d had with running his name through the mud. And despite everything - the nightmares, the name-calling, the jail time, the disappointment in Kaidan’s eyes right now - Shepard knew he’d made the right call.

“You did what you had to, Kaidan,” he said at last. “And so did I.” 

Kaidan turned the words over in his mind, face as impassive as it ever was, and after what felt like an interminable wait, he nodded. Shepard allowed himself the smallest of smiles as the pair took their seats on the couch again, the oppressive shroud around them lifting for the moment. 

“It was an impossible situation,” Kaidan finally agreed, casting a few stray glances toward Shepard.

“Cerberus or Aratoht?” 

“Both, I imagine.” 

Shepard sighed and propped his chin on his clasped hands. The rain outside was no longer the drizzle they’d woken up to that morning. A steady stream of water ran down the glass, and Shepard tracked the tiny river it made while Kaidan studied him. “The Alliance told me no,” he said, “but they didn’t leave me without options. In the end, I felt that a temporary alliance with Cerberus best served the needs of humanity - of the galaxy. I never forgot what I was doing or who I was working for, but… well… now you know the sort of man I am, Kaidan. A man who would compromise his beliefs and loyalty in order to complete a mission.” 

Once it was out of his mouth, he couldn’t bear to look into Kaidan’s eyes again. He half expected the man to walk quietly out of the room and never look back. “Bullshit,” Kaidan said instead, a wry, half-choked laugh bursting free. Shepard looked up in time to see the man shaking his head in disbelief. “You’re really something else, Shepard. You know that?” 

“Is that a good or bad thing?” he asked with a frown. 

“I guess it depends on the day,” Kaidan said with a grin that drew a chuckle out of Shepard as well. 

John finally allowed himself to meet Kaidan’s eyes and found a warmth there that rekindled that old ember of hope that he’d tried to snuff out. Every time he tried to get a handle on it, the sparks roared back to life. Refusing to let his own feelings ruin this fragile peace between them, Shepard smiled, heart fluttering in his chest when Kaidan returned it. Clearing his throat, he stuffed the emotions away and focused on the man himself. 

Kaidan sighed again and rubbed a hand down his face. “Shepard… I told you on Horizon that I was an Alliance man and always would be. I meant that.” Shepard knew he did. Kaidan wasn’t a liar. “Doesn’t mean I always agree with every decision they make,” Alenko went on. “The Collectors needed to be dealt with, and the Alliance was sitting on its hands. God knows how many colonists you saved by stopping them.”

“You know what we did?” Shepard was genuinely surprised. Once he’d turned himself over, he’d forwarded mission reports and given statements for days hoping the Alliance would see the good he’d done and maybe even cut him a little slack. So far it hadn’t seemed to make a difference, but there was a stubbornness within John Shepard that he couldn’t rid himself of. It made him cling to hope where there was none, and at the moment, hope was all he had left. 

“I saw the reports,” Kaidan confessed. “Whatever the Alliance is saying publicly, they’re finally starting to realize there’s some truth to your claims about the Reapers and Collectors.” 

“Wonders never cease,” Shepard said dryly, throwing in an eye roll for good measure. 

“Doesn’t mean they’re taking action,” Kaidan lamented, shaking his head again. Shepard looked up from his fingers again, now clasped loosely between his knees. Kaidan was watching him in that way he had. It was both unnerving and welcome. A shy little smile blossomed on his face, and John mirrored it. “It’s really good to see you, though,” Kaidan admitted. “The last two years were, uh… They were pretty rough.”

“I’m sorry,” Shepard murmured. He wasn’t exactly sure what else to say to that, so he said nothing. Kaidan was still smiling at him, expression somewhere between elation and disbelief. “How’re your folks?” 

Kaidan’s grin widened. “They’re good,” he said. “Mom’s gotten downright cantankerous these last few years, and Dad’s… well, he deals with her the best he can. Keeps threatening to reenlist if she doesn’t settle down.” 

They shared a laugh, and Shepard was again reminded of how much he enjoyed being in Kaidan’s company. They talked a while longer about inconsequential things that made Shepard feel normal. Later that night as he ate his dinner with James, the Lieutenant commented on his good mood. He tried to remember the last time he’d felt this good, but couldn’t, and all he could do in response to Vega was grin. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally a chapter without a cliffhanger! ☺


	6. Chapter 5

Scott had thrown himself into the work that was presented to him, delving into the technical problems that plagued the Quarian ark as if it had been deliberately sabotaged, or programmed by idiots. He threw himself into the work to stop the stinging in his heart, the ache in his chest and the fury in his gut. 

Three weeks later and Scott was still reeling from waking up to find he had been bartered away like some calf at the market. A sacrifice to placate the angry Quarian pathfinder. A disposable pawn in his father’s arsenal. The less capable sibling given away, the spare, the waste of space, the fa… Scott hissed and punched the wall. It was either that or breaking the terminal he had just spent the last three hours trying to fix. As cathartic as breaking the terminal might seem, he didn’t relish the idea of spending even more time fixing the damn thing.

He had always known he was a disappointment to his father, felt it in his bones. It was in the simple gestures that Alec Ryder had shown his indifference towards his son. Praising his sister for things that Scott had accomplished without recognition, that steady stare the man had perfected, cool and emotionless. Taking his daughter to Andromeda with him while leaving his son behind. The simple things.

A pulse of pain spiked from his fist to his shoulder and Scott looked down to blood dripping from his busted knuckles to the floor. 

The young biotic frowned and made his way to the medical facilities on the ark. Those were still up and running even if the arks twenty thousand passengers were in cryo-stasis. Whatever technical problems that were affecting the ark had thankfully not affected the stasis pods. A lot of lives would have been lost otherwise. 

The problems and setbacks that the ark was experiencing were baffling to Scott. The Quarians should have been ready to launch weeks ago, even with the nightmare of logistics that must have come with trying to organize so many different species traveling in the same ark. It made his earlier thoughts about deliberate sabotage seem more likely, as loathe as he was to imagine it. 

Someone was trying to make sure the Quarian ark never made it to Andromeda. Someone who had to still be on the ship if the continued problems were any indication. 

Scott had brought his fears to the Pathfinder before, had been quietly dismissed and told to return to his duties. Stonewalled and that was the extent of it. 

The most frustrating part was that he didn’t even know what he was doing here. Assigned odd jobs to work, but certainly nothing in his range of expertise. He had some tech skill, sure, but there were probably a dozen more qualified to be doing what he was doing. If he left, what would happen? What would be the consequences? The thought of never seeing Sara again stung, he felt bitter anger whenever he thought of his father, but above all was a fear that they would be too late in leaving, that he would be an old man by the time they made it to Andromeda, or that Sara would be long dead. 

He thought of Shepard. He thought of how he would be long dead when Scott woke up in Andromeda, this odd connection he felt to the man would still be there when he woke, but John would be a ghost from the past. For whatever reason, that thought hurt just about as much as losing Sara did.

It was odd, one night shouldn’t have left such an impression on him, one fantastic night of mind-blowing sex, sure, but also, a night of intimacy, a night of honesty. The connection shouldn’t have formed so fast but it was there. It was ever present in the back of his mind. 

The arrest had been a public spectacle, the media and all news outlets telling tales and spinning lies and fabrications about the first human Spectre. It made Scott sick. That wasn’t the man he had met, the man he couldn’t stop thinking about.

He thought of John, who looked so strong and sure as he was escorted to the cruiser that would take him to Earth. John who looked so regal. John who looked like a man going to his death sentence. 

Perhaps it was his imagination, or the infatuation clouding his mind, but Scott felt like he could read the Commander’s face, see what was hidden behind the façade. Running his good hand through his hair, he sighed and checked into the head doctor not currently in cryostasis. 

She was a Drell, Dr. Ihisni Souk, calm and assured, beautiful in her coloring, voice having a lovely subharmonic vibration that soothed. She admonished him for his foolishness, administered antiseptic and medi-gel, then quickly sent him on his way. 

Scott was struggling to find his place here, was struggling to find purpose again. His motivation levels were gone, his anger burned out, and all he felt was tired. He missed Sara, he missed the friends he had made while training for the Pathfinder team, and he missed_ Shepard _. 

It was the longing that probably sparked the idea, longing mixed with loneliness that created a wild plan, naïve and foolhardy, one full of hopefulness. 

He would see Shepard again. 

With a bit of extranet digging Scott was able to find out that certain political prisoners were afforded leeway during their confinement, for example, being allowed visitors, or having better accommodations and better meals, sometimes even being allowed outside if guarded. The younger man hoped that the great Commander Shepard was afforded such luxuries or his wild plan would be doomed from the start. An Alliance war hero still on trial would be given that much, right? He desperately hoped so.

After that, it was easy to arrange a shuttle to the nearest space station and then book transport on a freighter headed to Earth. He had spoken to the Quarian Pathfinder, who had been unimpressed with his leave request but couldn’t really find a reason he needed to stay, packed a few changes of clothes, and stepped onto the shuttle. Scott was afraid, terrified that the connection he had felt was one-sided, or some delusion created off of booze and great sex. He was afraid of John seeing him and rejecting him. But Scott was also excited, thrilled at the idea of seeing John again, of finding out their connection was mutual and maybe they had something good to look forward to. 

Maybe John would come with him to Andromeda, maybe Scott would stay. Maybe he would be going alone. 

It didn’t matter, not really. All that mattered was that he had to try, better this than never knowing, of living with that “what if” for the rest of his days. Even if this ended in failure, he had tried. Scott could live with that.

Travel took a little under a day, of which Scott fretted over his decision to do this, of which Scott fantasized about his reunion with Shepard, complete with graphic depictions that made his pants uncomfortable and tight. All in all, it was an uneventful journey. 

There was a sense of awe that filled him as he saw Earth through one of the viewing port windows on the freighter, humanity’s home, so small and fragile and achingly beautiful from this distance. It had been a long time since he set foot on its soil. Years. Probably since his mother passed. Shaking his head to free himself of those dark thoughts he made sure his meager belongings were stored in his bag and waiting to board the shuttle that would take him to Vancouver. 

All too soon, he was at Alliance HQ. He did his best to suppress the bitter memories of his discharge with the Alliance, one more thing he had his father to thank for.

Getting in to actually visit Shepard was harder than he thought, security checks, background checks, and a full body scan were the start. Then his request had to be approved by the Admiral managing Shepard’s case. The whole ordeal took over half the day and by the time he was approved to visit, visiting hours were over. 

Scott had mixed emotions on this. One, relief that John could have visitors; that he didn’t just travel all this way for nothing. Two, frustration that he had to put off their reunion another day. He booked a cheap hotel room and decided to look for a quiet place to get dinner and a drink, maybe even two or three. 

\-----------------

“Scott?!”

John croaked his name out like a man parched for water, and Scott’s body suddenly ached with a need to press a kiss upon those soft lips. Blue eyes were wide with shock but a telltale smile twitched at the edge of his mouth, Scott finding a matching smile of his own. 

“Hi, John.” He felt a blush creep up his neck as they took a moment admiring each other. Shepard looked good for a man on lockup, hell he looked damned good, period. One James Vega, looming in the background helped cool his desire to jump the older man, to claim those lips and fuck away his worries and troubles. That and the fact that he wasn’t sure if John would welcome such an act either. There was a sense of hesitancy about the man that dampened some of Scott’s enthusiasm.

The room they housed him in was small but it was a heck of a lot better than a cell, no doubt about it. He glanced about in curiosity and that was enough to shake John out of his daze, enough for him to clear his throat and offer him a seat on the couch. 

“What are you doing here? I thought you were going to Andromeda?” There was skepticism in his voice, but his eyes were curious more than upset.

Scott blew out a deep breath and chose to glance out the window instead of meeting the man head-on. It was easier that way. “It’s a bit of a story if you’re up for it?”

John nodded, “Of course, Scott. Your visit isn’t unwelcome, just a surprise.” The older man offered a soft smile and added, “A pleasant one.”

Which of course was exactly what Scott wanted to hear, it was enough to unburden his shoulders, enough for him to look him in the eyes as he told his story. He shared how his father and sister had left him behind while he was in stasis, how he had been abandoned to the Quarians in a political move. He shared his current position, mind-numbing and frustrating. He shared and probably overshared. Shepard, in turn, offered him a sympathetic ear, kind eyes and soft words of comfort. He was a cool balm over the burning ache in Scott’s chest. 

Fair was fair and Shepard shared a little bit about his current confinement, the stuff that wasn’t classified at least. He shared about how he was feeling, torn and restless. He confessed how good it really was to see Scott again, which warmed the younger man’s heart. 

All too soon their time was up, Vega quietly clearing his throat, interrupting a silly story from Scott’s childhood he was sharing. They made promises to meet again tomorrow, and the next day after that while Scott was still on Earth. As he was leaving he felt lighter than he had since first waking up and discovering he’d been left behind. It felt damn good.

“Hey, Scott?” Shepard hesitated as if he wanted to mention something else, just on the tip of his tongue but shook his head instead and lifted his hand and smiled in farewell. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Keeping the Tuesday deadline by the skin of our teeth, but we slid in there ;] I swear we have most of this done, but it was a busy day for both of us and we may have forgotten what day it actually was, ha. Thanks for tuning in with us!


	7. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A nice, long, and hopefully, rewarding chapter for y'all today! Enjoy!

Shepard swung his whole body through the punch the way he’d been trained to do, causing Vega to stumble a little as he tried to hold the bag steady. He smirked. James was huge and could easily take Shepard in sheer size alone, but Shepard was stronger than he appeared, titanium bones and cybernetically enhanced muscles lending to the force of his punches. Thinking such senseless thoughts kept his mind off more pressing concerns. Concerns that had driven him to ask for a punching bag in the first place. 

Several times a week for the last three months, he’d had a visitor. Be it Kaidan Alenko or Scott Ryder, Shepard loved it. Their visits made his confinement more bearable, his days more enjoyable. They made him feel like less of a pariah, like he wasn’t totally alone in the universe. 

They kept him entertained. Scott brought movies for them to watch together; Kaidan brought board games - and Shepard had never realized how much of a dork his old lieutenant was. It was rather endearing. They took walks around the courtyard, whichever friend he was with at the time sitting with him on a bench while he smoked one of the rare cigarettes he was allowed. 

In short, the visits kept him sane in an otherwise mind-numbing situation, but more than anything else, they left him confused. 

It was easy to see what Scott’s angle was. From the very first visit, he could sense the man’s eagerness - a desire to jump back in where they’d left off that morning. Scott should have been long gone. Shepard had prepared his heart and mind for it. He had not been expecting to see the man ever again. It didn’t mean that Scott’s presence was unwelcome. Quite the opposite. 

Shepard looked forward to the visits, felt the same tug that Scott so obviously felt. If it weren’t for James Vega’s persistent and annoying presence, it was highly likely that things would have moved forward quite rapidly. As it was, they made do with shy smiles and glances, subtle touches that could be passed off as friendly gestures. John wanted Scott to know that he remembered their one night together fondly, that perhaps under different circumstances, there could be a repeat. In fact, just the idea of a distraction in the form of warm lips and an incredibly tight ass was overwhelmingly appealing to Shepard most of the time.

But despite the mutual feelings of admiration and even desire, there was something holding them both back. For Scott, that something could simply have been Shepard’s gigantic, ever-present shadow, but for John, that something, or someone rather, was Kaidan Alenko.

Try as he might, he couldn’t get a read on Kaidan’s emotions where Shepard was concerned. A real nuisance for someone who not only prided himself on how quickly he could read a room but whose very livelihood - hell, his survival - depended upon his ability to do just that. 

Kaidan was equal parts forthcoming and closed off, like some bizarre paradox of himself. It had been that way from the beginning. Kaidan wasn’t going to let anyone in until he was sure of their character, the caliber of their integrity. Shepard felt he’d blown that test a million times over, but Kaidan kept coming around. He wouldn’t do that if he’d completely given up on Shepard. Right?

_ Always leave myself a way out,  _ he’d said once.

“Indeed,” Shepard spat. James looked on with a quizzical brow while Shepard hammered away on the punching bag. His knuckles ached, his muscles were screaming, and enough sweat was rolling off his body to mimic Niagara Falls. 

Giving the bag one last, brutal hit, he stopped, grabbing a towel to stem the tide while he chugged an entire bottle of water in one go. “I need a smoke,” he muttered, making his way to the exit and trusting his sentry to follow. 

James didn’t disappoint.

Shepard inhaled and exhaled slowly, watching the gentle curl of smoke as it made its way toward the sky. The sweat on his body began to cool instantly in the frigid air of Vancouver’s early spring, but he suppressed the urge to shiver and instead stood, ramrod straight, eyes fixed on the patch of sky up above. His only exposure to the outside world, to fresh air and the city’s pathetic offering of sunshine, was in this tiny courtyard. 

There was no razor wire around the top like he’d seen in old prison movies, but he knew he could never escape, regardless. If he had to guess, there were motion triggered defenses hidden within the walls near the top, and more than once, he’d seen the telltale shimmer of a sniper’s scope. Guess he didn’t rate the best the Alliance had to offer. Or maybe he was just so accustomed to working with folks like Zaeed and Garrus and Thane that he’d been spoiled. If any of them were up there watching him, he’d be in heaven before he realized they were there. 

Or in his case, maybe hell. He seriously doubted there was a place in the Great Beyond for mass murderers and war criminals. 

He sighed. Looking away from the whizzing sky cars that obstructed his view of the heavens, he focused his eyes on the ground instead, flicking the ashes from his cigarette before taking another puff. 

He wasn’t worthy of Kaidan Alenko _ or _ Scott Ryder. Both of them deserved a better man than he could ever be. Just the fact that he couldn’t sort out his feelings enough to settle on one or the other should have been proof of that. He snorted a laugh. Maybe they deserved each other. 

James was looking at him in that way of his that suggested Shepard had just grown horns or a tail or something, and he heard the Lieutenant muttering, “Loco,” under his breath. 

Okay, so maybe he was still going a little crazy in here. 

James did his best to help in that regard. Shepard was pretty sure the man had purchased a joke book strictly for the purposes of trying to get him to crack a smile. Half the time it didn’t work, but the Lieutenant remained steadfast. He brought cards too, and when neither Scott nor Kaidan were around to divert him, he and James sometimes stayed up till the wee hours of the morning, playing Skyllian Five for peanuts while Shepard resisted the impulse to roll his eyes at the incessant stream of corny jokes from Vega. 

He liked James. Appreciated his attempts at keeping him grounded. He infinitely preferred the company of Kaidan or Scott, though. 

On nights when he was feeling particularly lonely, and perhaps a little deviant, he let his mind wander to forbidden places where both Scott  _ and _ Kaidan were with him, the three of them locked in a single embrace. Those nights he dreamed of drinking his fill of moans that sounded like whiskey and stubble that fanned the flames of his desire, of blue eyes and honey-brown gazing at him with devotion that he didn’t merit. 

Just the thought of those dreams made his heart clench up so tight he could almost feel the tiny fractures creeping across the surface, like a pane of tempered glass about to shatter. He held fast to the sob of longing and loneliness that threatened to break free, and instead inhaled another lungful of smoke, exhaling on a ragged sigh. 

“You seem especially tense today, Commander,” James ventured to say. 

Shepard dropped his cigarette butt into the container provided for the purpose and lit another, blowing the smoke away fast and hard. “What makes you say that?” 

Vega shrugged. “I dunno… you just… do.”

“Gonna have to work harder on those communication skills if you want to make Commander one day, Vega.” 

James didn’t often get exasperated with Shepard, though the Commander gave him cause daily. He knew he could be a pain in the ass sometimes, but that also made him more effective in his work. Times when he couldn’t bludgeon his way through a problem, he could harry his adversary until they relented and gave him what he wanted. Despite his tendency to drive anyone who spent long periods of time in his presence to the brink of utter insanity, James was mostly relaxed and collected in Shepard’s presence. 

If the man suffered from any sort of hero worship, he didn’t let it cloud his judgment or color his actions. At the same time, he insisted on calling Shepard “Commander,” though the rank had been stripped from him, citing Shepard’s actions above and beyond the call of duty on more than one occasion as reason enough for James to show him respect and honor. 

It was a little flattering, though John was loathe to admit it. He didn’t like to think he was the sort of guy who could let a few words of praise sway his opinion of someone, but even he had to admit that he appreciated James’ attempts to make him feel like he was still someone of importance, even if the rest of the galaxy had forgotten all about him. 

He could tell James was exasperated with him at the moment, and he took a sadistic sort of pleasure in that. It was a cruel attitude to have toward the man who certainly went above the call of his simple duties to make Shepard feel more at home. Whatever home felt like. He hoped he’d have a chance to find out one day. 

Instead of ribbing Vega further, he squared off in front of the man and apologized. James shrugged as if there was nothing to apologize for, but Shepard could also see the shift in his demeanor from frustrated to pleased. “Want to talk about it?” James asked, but Shepard didn’t. Not really. Not with James Vega. 

James had been his guard for three months, and Shepard had talked to him of things that were inconsequential every time there was an occasion for discourse between them. He doubted that Vega was there to spy on him as well as keep him in line, but a body could never be too careful. The Alliance didn’t need any more rope to hang him with, and James didn’t need to know that the first human Spectre was lonely and horny, as if it weren’t obvious enough. 

He doubted he was pulling the wool over the Lieutenant’s eyes with the less than subtle flirting that went on between him and Kaidan or Scott. Still, casual flirting and mild innuendo was nothing like an open confession of feelings or desire. He’d been careful, or tried, not to give away enough emotion that it could be used as a weapon against him, or more importantly against either Scott or Kaidan. It was a delicate balance, however, between being forward enough that both the men he cared about actually knew he  _ cared _ , and attempting to keep James Vega, and by proxy, the Alliance from knowing the depths of his feelings where the two men were concerned. 

And there was the real kicker - the crux of the issue. He cared about  _ both _ of them. Wanted to spend time with them  _ both _ . He didn’t want to be forced into a situation where he had to choose the company of one over the other. How did one make that choice? 

He’d been drawn to Kaidan Alenko from the moment he’d laid eyes on him. Spending time on a ship together, fighting side by side, taking meals elbow to elbow created bonds that were difficult to break. Their moments between missions of downtime and quiet conversation, of bearing the burden of each other’s fears and doubts had forged a friendship that Shepard had thought would stand the test of time. Other issues - namely Cerberus - had thrown a wrench into his theories, but he felt fairly certain that they’d cleared the air during Kaidan’s visits over the last few months. The connection between them seemed as strong as ever, and Shepard knew beyond a doubt that if Kaidan ever expressed an interest in being more than just friends, he’d never be able to say no. Not in a million years. 

His link to Scott was entirely different. The foundation was nothing short of sheer, overpowering lust, and John knew that. Scott knew it, too. But something had happened that night. Something neither of them wanted or planned. All they had was the one night of shared passion, and what had started out as nothing more than fucking to relieve pent-up frustrations on both their parts had morphed somewhere between the first orgasm and an impromptu confession on Shepard’s part. 

The shift had started out as subtle. While Shepard’s dick was buried deep inside the man, he’d made the mistake of actually looking into Scott’s eyes - blue like the sky. There had been awe and wonder and an admiration that went beyond starstruck. It was real and genuine, honest emotion for  _ John _ , not for Commander Shepard, and it made him crave more. It was fuel for the fire, and though Scott gave every piece of himself that he could to John that night, he’d selfishly wanted it all. He still did. 

He wanted Scott to look at him like he mattered. Just like he did that night. Just like he did every time he set foot into Shepard’s cell. Scott cared about  _ John _ . As more than a quick fuck or a fun night. As more than a brilliant military mind and Commander. For whatever foolish reasons the man had conjured up, Scott wanted to be with  _ John _ , and Shepard knew that was something else he could never refuse. 

Shepard had taken to pacing the little patch of grass that constituted his fresh air and the illusion of freedom, and James was still watching him as though he’d gone mad. He supposed he’d have to confront the conflicting feelings at some point and actually deal with them, but he pushed them away. For now, he needed a shower and some food and a reprieve from the confusion that threatened to overtake him. 

**

It was bound to happen eventually, and Shepard thought he was prepared for it. When Kaidan and Scott had both shown up within minutes of each other for a visit with him, John had been a bit apprehensive. An unreasonable sort of guilt had welled within him, and it suddenly struck him how much it might appear that he’d been leading them both on. To his surprise and delight, however, Scott and Kaidan seemed to take a liking to each other almost instantly. Bonding over the fact that they were both biotics, they fell into pleasant conversation on the subject which encompassed everything from the stigma that still plagued human biotics to their preferred model of amp. 

Shepard took it all in with a pleased smile and let himself relax as he listened in, only offering commentary when it was asked of him. At one point he caught the smirk of one James Vega but couldn’t summon the effort to be put out about it. For six months now, Vega had borne witness to his pathetic attempts at flirting with both men. People didn’t spend that much time in each other’s proximity without getting to know one another, at least on a superficial level. 

But James had been mere feet away from Shepard at all times for somewhere around a hundred and eighty days. At this point, John knew there was little he could hide from the man. James knew his bathroom habits, every nightmare he’d had, every time he jacked off, and the reverse was equally true. It should have been unnerving, but somehow it had made them better friends. 

James quietly observed the scene before him with a knowing smile plastered to his face, and Shepard was just so goddamned happy to be able to spend time with Scott and Kaidan at the same time, that they were getting on so well, that he could forgive James’ smugness. He figured there would be hell to pay in the form of relentless teasing when the visit was over, though. He found he couldn’t be bothered to care about that either. 

As was the custom, Scott had brought a vid and Kaidan an elaborate board game meant to challenge their military minds. They chose the game, and while it was supposed to be a game of strategy and skill, there was a great deal left to the roll of the dice. When Scott managed to capture one of Shepard’s largest holdings, he gloated about outmaneuvering the Great Commander Shepard with such enthusiasm, that Shepard could barely resist the urge to kiss him and shut him up. 

He managed to restrain himself, though he was pretty sure Kaidan noticed the way Scott and John were eyeing each other up. The little flag of guilt flapped violently for the few minutes that Kaidan stared at the game board with tense shoulders and furrowed brow. It was then that Scott realized how much it pained Shepard that Kaidan seemed so upset, and fucking hell, it began to turn into the nightmare that John had been fearing. The one where he lost both of them due to his inability to make a goddamned, fucking decision and give himself completely to one or the other of them. 

When both men finally met his eyes, he felt it. There was this peculiar sensation that Shepard would remember this moment for the rest of his life. Where he was, the layout of the game board, the bowl of chips that Kaidan had brought to share, the way the gentle breeze swayed the treetops outside the window, the sudden stillness of the room, and James Vega’s positively shit-eating grin as he realized it too. At that exact moment, he knew, beyond all reason and sense, that he was in love with both Kaidan Alenko  _ and _ Scott Ryder, and there wasn’t a damned thing he could do about it. 

It was both a huge relief and a crushing disappointment when Kaidan received a call that the defense committee wanted to see him. He hesitated at the door to the room, watching both Scott and Shepard intently for a heartbeat before he nodded and went on his way. Shepard’s heart seized up in a way that was terrifying, and he couldn’t shake the sudden sense of foreboding that clawed at him with spindly fingers. 

Scott was gathering his things too and muttering about being late for his shuttle back to the quarian ark. Shepard didn’t want him to go, didn’t want the afternoon to be over. For one brief, beautiful moment, he’d caught a glimpse of exactly what he wanted, and just like always, it was falling from his grasp just out of reach. 

“I may be out of touch for awhile,” Scott told him, eyes cast somewhere between Shepard’s shoulder and the outside world. The bottom of John’s stomach dropped out, and he couldn’t help himself, couldn’t hold it in any longer. He didn’t stop to think about what might happen in some distant future; he did what Commander Shepard was famous for. He acted. 

Slowly reaching out, he cupped Scott’s cheeks in his hands, caught his gaze and held it, and before he could think better of the idea, he kissed him. It was a long, drawn-out kiss full of pleading and longing and hoping for something more, and Scott gave it back, his heart a perfect mirror of what John was feeling. 

Something was shifting - changing. Something there was no turning back from, and the kiss turned desperate for a split second until Vega cleared his throat to let them know he was done looking the other way. 

“Be careful,” Shepard whispered, and Scott nodded. Then he was gone. 

Shepard stood rooted to the floor, refusing to acknowledge Vega’s presence. He watched the empty doorway in a vain hope that both of them would suddenly materialize. They didn’t. 

Eventually, he gave up his vigil and wandered toward the window. Life was going on out there, while he was stuck in here. His mind reeled with the possibility that he’d just made a monumental mistake. It hadn’t felt like a mistake though, and while some part of him registered a niggling worry, another part of him hadn’t felt so at peace since the night before his arrest. 

He leaned an elbow against the glass, rubbing his forehead with his thumb while he contemplated. Children played in the park below. Couples laughed and walked hand in hand. Dogs barked at cats in trees, and Shepard was stuck behind bulletproof glass and kinetic barriers. Potentially for the rest of his natural life. Still, he found a small reason to hope - that maybe one day he could be free from this prison of his own making, and that maybe Scott Ryder and Kaidan Alenko would be waiting for him. 

The ring of Vega’s omnitool interrupted his wistful reverie, and James’ next words sent a spike of icy terror right down his spine. The defense committee wanted to see him, and it was urgent. Nothing good could come of that. Try as he might he couldn’t find that sliver of peace he’d had just a moment ago. The sense of panic that he’d been trained to quell in times of danger, rose with every footfall. Like the surging of the ocean’s tides, the fear crested higher and higher as he took in the pandemonium of scurrying soldiers, aides, and officers alike. 

Only an invasion could spark this kind of activity inside Alliance headquarters, and there was only one enemy Shepard knew of bold enough for that.


	8. Chapter 7

Scott left his visit with Shepard in a daze. His mind was whirling with all the possibilities opened to him, things he had hoped for but never really dared to believe could be his. 

Shepard had kissed him. Shepard had really _ kissed _ him. A smile danced along his lips, still buzzing from the press of another’s. Scott felt like he was floating on Cloud Nine, feet carrying him to his shuttle automatically while his thoughts raced with different scenarios. Each one was more ridiculous and romantic than the last. His cheeks set on fire as he imagined getting Shepard alone for a little while, the hulking giant that was James Vega mercifully absent.

He envisioned pinning John down against that small couch, peeling off each piece of clothing torturously slow. He pictured strong hands running through his hair and squeezing his ass, hot breath in his ear, and a hard cock pressed against his own.

The young biotic greeted the shuttle pilot absentmindedly, took his seat and adjusted his pants with a blush. Part of him was thankful he carried a bag to hold the few things he took while traveling, it sat nestled between his thighs, covering the uncomfortable boner and allowed him to let his imagination run wild. Scott had to force his hips to be still as he imagined Shepard naked and breathless beneath him. In his mind, he ran his hands along firm muscles and smooth skin, stopped to suck and flick at perky nipples, pulling startled groans from the man.

Lips met lips and Shepard’s tongue was insistent and relentless. He opened to the other man and-- 

Scott was jerked out of the fantasy as the shuttle lifted off, inertial dampeners kicking in a second after the initial jolt. He grumbled softly to himself and once again adjusted his pants. Giving a discreet peek around, he saw the other passengers already lost in their own little worlds, data pads out and earphones in. He was essentially “alone,” so he slid his hand under his travel bag to clutch his growing erection through the fabric of his jeans. It wasn’t enough, but the friction sent jolts of pleasure through his core. He settled into his seat a bit further. 

The shuttle would take him to the Citadel, where he would then catch another flight to the Far Rim and the Quarian Ark, which was currently orbiting the planet Haestrom. He had about an hour, maybe two at most till he reached the Citadel. 

He looked around again before closing his eyes and slid his hand under the band of his jeans to grip his dick and give it a hard tug. He bit his lip and breathed deeply through his nostrils, forcing the air out nice and slow. Scott imagined Shepard unzipping his jeans, mouthing his dick through the fabric of his briefs before taking Scott into his mouth with aching slowness. The warm heat of his mouth, the feel of his tongue on the underside of his dick, the hum of appreciation Shepard had given him the first time they had sex together. Damn, that felt like ages ago, another life. 

Shepard on his back, moaning and begging for it harder as Scott fucked him, slamming into that tight hole, having the Savior of the Citadel at his mercy and pleasure. Tight heat and constricting muscles, covered in sweat and their grunts filling the hotel air. 

Scott gripped his dick a bit harder and started pumping, doing his best to be as discreet as possible while he jacked off on the shuttle. His body was tense with the fear and the thrill of getting caught. He felt his orgasm building, his balls tightening as he did his best to remember that one night he had with Shepard, fucking and getting fucked. God, he wanted another night like that, a hundred nights. He wanted Shepard so bad his chest ached with it, more than just lust, more than just some dumb crush. As he pumped his dick and thought about the older man, he felt something click that he had been trying to avoid. 

Scott Ryder, perpetual fuck-up, was in love with John Shepard. He swallowed a moan as he came, hot cum spurting over his hand and down his thigh, staining his briefs and probably his jeans too. It was a wet sticky mess he would have to deal with until he could clean himself up at the Citadel. Hopefully, most of it would have dried by then. 

While he tried to shift his dick back into place and find a comfortable angle to sit for the rest of the journey, Scott couldn’t help the smile that seemed plastered to his face. Shepard had kissed him. Shepard liked him. There was hope yet. 

That thought and many others like it stayed nestled in his head the entire journey. From the shuttle to the Citadel to the shuttle to Haestrom, Scott thought of the man he left behind on Earth. They would see each other again; he would go and visit the next chance he got. He didn’t notice the extra hustle and bustle of the Citadel, the faces filled with stress and fear. He was oblivious to it all as he boarded his second shuttle and left for the ark. 

He missed everything, for mere minutes after his shuttle left Citadel space, the Reaper invasion began.

\------------

Kaidan hated Mars. He had been posted here before. Not this specific outpost, but one was much like another. The planet was dotted with them for various purposes - research, defense, corporate gain. All that to say, his posting had been shit then and his experience of the planet was shit now. The only upside to the whole situation was Shepard. 

The relief he had felt at seeing John again with Anderson at his side, that the two of them had made it, was like a weight lifted from his shoulders. The devastation he had witnessed while making his way to the Normandy with Vega had been nearly overwhelming and the loss of John would have broken him. He was sure of it. 

Losing Shepard once had nearly ruined him. The thought of losing him again, now when it felt like they were so close to finding each other again, yeah; he didn’t think he would be able to handle it. Not in the middle of the galaxy falling apart. And so he battled on, fighting at John’s side again, falling into the easy rhythm they had had from the beginning. Kaidan reaving a group of enemies and Shepard charging into them and releasing a nova. James and Kaidan giving him cover fire while his barriers recharged. 

Finding Cerberus on Mars had been a nasty shock, and for a single moment, all of Kaidan’s fears about Shepard had come rushing to the surface. Foul words and accusations manifested at the tip of his tongue, ready to lash out and yet, they never did. He bit them back with strength of will and by the memories he had made with Shepard on Earth during his lockup. 

Kaidan had been through all the security measures with Anderson. It was solid. There was no way John could have been in touch with Cerberus, and in his heart; he knew that John was through with them when he handed himself over to Alliance authority. 

So when Shepard had turned to him, fear in those beautiful blue eyes and voice gruff, a muted, “I didn’t have anything to do with this,” Kaidan believed him.

“I know, John.” 

The smile he got in return, full of relief, gratefulness, and tenderness, it was all the reward he needed. He would put his faith in this man he cared for, really cared for. He would stand behind Shepard, and if in the end, he was wrong, if he got a bullet in the back for his efforts, well, it sure beat accusing an innocent man. Kaidan would know he had tried to do the right thing, and he took comfort in that. 

When Liara joined their squad it was a relief as well. Another familiar face, someone he could trust to have his six. Plus, it didn’t hurt at all to have another powerful biotic on their side. It felt good to have the three of them together again, like old times, their back and forth banter comforting. Like it hadn’t been two years since he’d last seen her, like Shepard had never died on the first Normandy, like the Reapers hadn’t invaded and it was just cleaning up one more Cerberus cell. 

He allowed his mind to drift just a bit, not enough to lose focus or to be a liability, but enough to allow him to think about Shepard. About their time together while on Earth. It felt like they had made progress, repaired a lot of what was broken when John had died, from when Kaidan had acted like an ass on Horizon. 

It was so fucking frustrating. He had had a plan damn it. And of course, the Reapers would come in and ruin it all before fruition.

Step one; get close to John, figure him out, assess the situation and get a feel for the man he once knew. Determine if it really was the same Shepard. Check. Kaidan was convinced that the man Cerberus brought back was the genuine article. Somehow they had done it, and while Kaidan still hated them, a part of him was so damn grateful to have Shepard back that he wrestled with the idea that all of them could be evil. Still, it didn’t stop him from shooting them all on Mars. He vented his frustrations on them.

Step two; try to figure out if what they had had on the first Normandy was still there. While it had been two years for Kaidan, two long, hard years, it had only been a month for Shepard when they were reunited again on Horizon and Kaidan fucked it all up. 

Kaidan had tried to visit John in lockup as often as he could to try and rebuild that, to test the waters for some sort of mutual interest. Shepard had played his cards close to his chest though and Kaidan had proven to be a coward, unable to voice his question, unable to ask John if he’d like to go on a date once he’d been released. 

Kaidan wanted Shepard, and he thought Shepard might want him too…but there was Scott, the unknown variable that threw a wrench in Kaidan’s carefully constructed plan.

The younger man was certainly attractive, no doubt about it. Startling blue eyes, similar to Shepard’s yet still so youthful. Smooth skin and strong facial features, great lips and a damn nice laugh. He let out a miserable huff before shooting a Cerberus goon in the face with his pistol, easy pickings as Liara had thrown out a singularity that caught three of them. 

They were getting closer to the archive room. The fighting grew fiercer as they progressed. Each step they took was paid for in the blood of Ce rberus fighters, the three of them an unrelenting force of biotics and heat sinks. They pressed on. On through the chaos and bloodshed, on through the confusion and fear, on through the uncertainty and doubt; they pressed on. 

Kaidan had a minor freak out moment when he pulled off the mask of the Cerberus trooper only to find that he had been transformed into a human and husk hybrid. Not by Reapers, but by human hands. Once more his fears about Shepard came rushing to the surface, words wanting to blurt themselves out, yet he saw John’s own fear mirrored back at him. Once more his words stilled. He pulled the other man into an embrace, damn the consequences.

“That isn’t you, John,” he whispered. The younger man’s warm breath tickled his ears as it was released in a rush.

“I want to believe that b-but…”

Throwing his fears aside, Kaidan shut him up with a kiss. Whoever Scott was, he wasn’t here, and Kaidan wanted to make sure John knew how he felt, wanted to lay all his cards on the line. His heart pulsed in his chest while Shepard froze. He started to pull away, but the younger man’s arms pulled him closer, and they lost themselves in that kiss.

It was perfect, and it was messy; it was needy, and it ended all too soon. 

“I believe it, Shepard. I believe in you. That isn’t you and it never will be.”

John swallowed heavily before nodding, eyes downcast, but a small smile twitched at his lips. When he finally met Kaidan’s eyes he took a deep breath and let it out slowly. 

“Guess we need to have a heart to heart, huh?”

Kaidan let out a huff and shook his head, but he was smiling too. “How about we finish this mission first, and then we can discuss…us.”

Shepard straightened, and nodded, all business once more. “Let’s get to it then, Major.”

“Aye aye, Commander,” Kaidan said with a smirk.

When they continued, it was with a spring to their steps, and Kaidan couldn’t stop the smile that twitched at his lips. 

Step three; woo the commander and seal the deal with a kiss. Check. 

He wasn’t sure what the future held for the two of them, if they would win this war or if it would cost them their lives. But he felt optimistic, something going right amidst everything going wrong. 

As his head was smashed against the crashed shuttle, as everything burned and his body screamed at him to fight back, to live, he saw Shepard desperately dashing for him, but he was too late, Kaidan knew it even as he saw John try. And as the darkness slowly swallowed him, Kaidan felt regret. So close. They had been so  _ fucking _ close. 

_ I’m sorry John. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little bit steamy, a little bit actiony, a little bit fix-ity, and a little bit angsty, ahhhhhh, we're sorry!!


	9. Chapter 8

This couldn’t be happening. First Kaidan, and now Scott.

Shepard stood with his arms braced against the QEC console, the memory of Scott’s panicked eyes from the video comm haunting him. They would be in his dreams tonight if he managed to sleep at all. 

“Joker set a course for Haestrom in the Far Rim.” 

“What about the Primarch?” the pilot asked. 

“This mission takes precedence,” Shepard lied. 

His entire life, he’d put the mission, his duty, his obligation to humanity and the galaxy, first. Just this once he was going to be selfish, goddamnit. Consequences be damned. 

Except his mind didn’t want to accept that. While he dicked around rescuing some young punk, millions of lives were at stake. Only this wasn’t just  _ any _ young punk, this was Scott. 

Scott, whom Shepard had felt and tasted, whose quiet moans and breathy sighs had ignited something deep within his soul. Scott, whom Shepard had kissed goodbye with all the passion he’d possessed before the world went to hell. Scott, whom Shepard loved and couldn’t afford to lose. 

Once more his mind was torn. Thoughts of Kaidan, and how soft his lips felt, leapt to the forefront of his overburdened brain. Kaidan had been his rock for as long as he could remember. Before the Collectors, Kaidan’s steadying presence had been like a balm to Shepard’s perpetually frayed nerves. John had known he loved him even before he died. These last few months of seeing Kaidan, of reacquainting themselves with one another, had only solidified that feeling. 

He’d never considered himself a greedy man, but with all life as he knew it falling down in tatters at his feet, with Kaidan lying half-dead in a hospital bed on the Citadel, Shepard needed Scott. It had been years, a literal lifetime ago, since he’d allowed himself to depend on anyone. That dependence had always ended in heartbreak before, so he’d sworn it off, but now, in the face of annihilation, he decided it was time to take that risk again. 

The Primarch could wait. The war could fucking wait. John needed his heart to be able to pull off the things that Commander Shepard had become infamous for. One half of it was at Huerta Memorial with Kaidan. Now it was time to go rescue the other half. 

**

Scott wasn’t sure where it had all gone wrong. One minute he was blissfully indulging in memories and fantasies of his one night with Shepard. The next, the shit hit the fan, and the world began to crumble. 

He’d arrived at the quarian ark, still high on the emotions that thoughts of Shepard conjured. However, the nervous energy and frightened whispers that filled the ship quickly doused his enthusiasm. Murmurs of a nameless invasion force of immense proportions had reached his ears, and his knees had nearly given out on him. 

The Reapers. It had to be. He felt both vindicated that Shepard had been proven right after all these years, and terrified at the knowledge that the very thing they’d all been fearing had finally come to pass. Had Shepard even made it off Earth?

He’d spent the next hour trying to focus on his work, to no avail. His fear for Shepard’s wellbeing made the task next to impossible. And because of life’s propensity for kicking him in the balls every time he thought things were beginning to look up, someone had attacked the Quarian ark less than an hour after his arrival. 

The one bright spot in the whole fucking mess was that he’d managed to get in contact with John and find out that he’d escaped Earth safely. The look of concern in Shepard’s eyes had made Scott’s heart race. Then he’d cursed himself for acting like a schoolboy and worrying over his love life while the Reapers and whoever the hell else tried to bring the galaxy to its proverbial knees. 

Sighing, he peered around the corner, counting five Cerberus troopers at the end of the next corridor. If he lived through this, he was going to grab Shepard by the collar and drag him into the nearest storage closet to make those fantasies a reality. There’d be no doubt in John’s mind as to where Scott stood by the time he was done with the man. 

Hopefully, Shepard was on his way, and all Scott had to focus on was surviving until he got there. 

Easier said than done. Scott was combat trained like the rest of the Alliance, but where Shepard had focused on fighting, his own training had honed in on reconnaissance. He’d loved it, the thrill of getting into and out of bases undetected, of discovering new and never-before-seen things. His job was to gather intel and relay it back to his superiors. What he did made Shepard’s job possible. Marines and special forces were as good as dead if they dropped into situations without intel. It was nice to think that maybe, once upon a time, Scott had been the one to gather the information necessary to save Shepard’s life. 

That had all ground to a screeching halt once the news of his father’s illegal AI research surfaced. Scott was pulled from interesting discovery missions, and his ass was parked on a tiny space station on endless, boring guard rotation, watching the mass relay. As if the fucking thing was going somewhere. It was the main reason the Andromeda Initiative had held such appeal, but his father had cost him that chance as well.

All his life he’d worked his tail off hoping for just an ounce of approval from Alec Ryder. He’d never begrudged Sara being the favorite. She was a light in the life of anyone who knew her, loved by everyone. Scott, on the other hand, was prone to catastrophe. Trouble followed him like a little, black rain cloud, pouncing every chance it got. Alec had chastised him over and over about his propensity to leap without looking, but Scott craved excitement and adventure. His mother had called it a pioneer spirit. 

Sighing, he buried the thoughts of his disapproving father and dead mother, of his beautiful sister who may well be lost to him forever. If Shepard saw something in him worthy of respect and… affection, at least - something worthwhile - then maybe he wasn’t the abysmal failure he’d always seen himself as. The one Alec Ryder had always tried to convince him he was. If Shepard believed in him, then that was enough. In fact, the very idea sent a thrill racing through him. 

“Ryder,” Tala’Senath’s voice snapped him out of his head completely. “The Normandy is requesting permission to dock. Do you know anything about this?”

_ Shit!  _ It hadn’t occurred to him that the quarians might not want interference from the human Alliance. Scott cleared his throat and answered, “Jo- uh, Commander Shepard is an acquaintance of mine. I thought we could use the assist.” 

“Very well,” the quarian Pathfinder huffed. “I’ll have the Captain grant the request. Not to seem ungrateful, but next time you should ask first.” 

“Roger that.” Scott shut down the comm and tried to still his racing heart. He was here.  _ John _ was here. Now he just had to find him. 

**

Cerberus. Fucking hell. 

Scott’s panicked call had warned him that the Keelah Si’Yah was under attack, but at the time he hadn’t known by whom. Didn’t it just figure that those bastards would be here, trying to sabotage the ark? It couldn’t be as simple as that, though. There had to be some reason why, something here that the Illusive Man wanted. 

From his talks with Scott, Shepard knew that the arks incorporated revolutionary new tech and prototype engines that would speed travel to the Andromeda galaxy, making fuel obsolete. He could only imagine what that would do for intergalactic travel. There was no way Shepard could let Cerberus get its hands on that kind of technology. It was no small relief that the mission now had an actual objective other than just saving Scott Ryder. The ability to dart across the galaxy without having to stop and refuel would give Cerberus an edge they clearly did not need. 

This mission just became imperative to the war effort. 

Despite all that, Shepard’s number one concern was finding Scott. It had been hard enough nearly losing Kaidan on Mars. Everyone saw Shepard as invincible, a hardened soldier unmoved by ordinary concerns, but he was a flesh and blood man just like any other. The desires of his heart were just as important to him as any lover’s would be. Kaidan and Scott both gave him something to fight for other than duty - a reason to live, beyond victory. This fight was personal, and he’d be damned if he didn’t give it his all. 

He buried thoughts of the conundrum he found himself in with regards to both men. He’d kissed Scott goodbye on Earth based on a feeling deep within his gut that told him it may be the last chance he ever had. Kaidan had kissed him on Mars, possibly a result of the exact same feeling. A fragment of guilt wormed its way into his mind, but he refused to let it take hold. He loved both men, and he would have both men. The trick was figuring out how. 

There would be time to straighten all that out later, right now, he needed all his focus to get through the mission. He, James, and Liara fell into a rhythm. Shepard was impressed with James’ abilities, though more than a little surprised at how easily the marine was winded. 

“With all that time you spend working out, I’d have thought you could handle a bit of running,” he teased. 

“With a body like this, I don’t need stamina,” James retorted.

“Your girlfriend might beg to differ,” Liara chimed in with a grin, surprising both men. 

“EDI, see if you can patch me into Scott Ryder’s comm signal,” Shepard said, deciding he’d better move away from that particular topic. 

“Of course, Commander.” 

Shepard never dreamed he’d be working with an AI one day, but there were a whole slew of things he’d never figured on happening to him in his life either. EDI was efficient as always, and in moments, Scott’s voice filtered into his ear on his private channel.

“John,” he could hear the relief in the younger man’s voice. “I’m glad you’re here.” 

“Me too. I’m... uh, I’m glad you’re alright.” 

James cracked an amused grin, while Liara looked taken aback. 

_ Fucking perfect!  _

Shepard cleared his throat. “Give me the sitrep,” he demanded, all business. He could hear the confusion in Scott’s voice at the abrupt tone change.  _ Goddamnit!  _ He’d just have to figure out a way to get Scott alone, explain things before Liara had a chance to openly chastise him about his kiss with Kaidan. When they’d arrived, his sole focus had been on getting to Scott and seeing him to safety. He hadn’t stopped to consider that James had witnessed his last goodbye with Scott, and Liara had been privy to his kiss with Kaidan. Suddenly this mission seemed a lot more complicated. 

“Let’s move,” he ordered the squad once he had Scott’s location. 

The younger man was pinned down by Cerberus troops near the medbay. The fight to get to him was brutal. Shepard had vastly underestimated Cerberus’ determination to get this tech. That mistake was going to cost him eventually. For now, he threw himself into carving a path to Scott. 

It took all the willpower Shepard possessed not to scoop the younger man into his arms and show him exactly how glad he was to see him unharmed. The light in Scott’s eyes relayed a similar message to John. 

“What now?” he asked instead, an ache lancing through his heart at the confusion in Scott’s eyes. _ I’ll make this up to you, Scott, I swear. _

“Um.” It took Scott a moment to compose himself enough to respond. “According to Captain Revan'Nah, Cerberus seems to be trying to access the engine core. The ODSY drive is bleeding-edge tech. If they get their hands on it…”

“Yeah, I don’t want to think of the damage they could do,” Shepard agreed. 

“There are enemy troops barricading the engine corridor. It’s just a matter of time before they breach the doors. But I happen to know of two secret access routes to get us in unseen. Maybe then we can make a stand to protect the core.”

“Sounds like a plan. Pass the schematics to the squad. James, you and Liara take the south passage, Scott and I will go north. We’ll meet up on the other side of the doors.” 

“Aye, Commander,” James said, turning toward their route without another thought. Liara lingered for only a moment, a sadness in her eyes that made Shepard’s gut clench. 

Shepard turned his back on her. “Lead the way,” he told Scott. 

The younger man hesitated, a question in those pale blue eyes that made John want to hold him and never let go. Then he nodded and took off in the direction of the access panel. The route was mercifully clear, and when Shepard saw the narrow door of a storage closet, he snagged Scott’s arm and dragged him inside. 

In the dark and relative safety of the room, he found Scott’s lips with his own, tongue questing and insistent. Scott responded to the kiss with vigor, a whimper of relief escaping him. 

“I’m sorry,” Shepard mumbled around those velvety caresses. “The crew… and…”

“Fuck, John, just shut up and kiss me.” 

Shepard obliged him, wrapping his arms around the man, drawing him as close as their armor would allow. He explored and tasted every corner of Scott’s mouth, drinking him in like the nectar of life. When Scott pulled away, moaning and gasping for breath, John took the opportunity presented to kiss and suck and nip the smooth skin of his neck. His hands slid down to Scott’s backside, yanking his hips forward to connect with his own. 

They ground together, devouring one another as their hands pawed and grasped. John let himself be lost in the feel of the other man against him, the flavor of his mouth, the ragged way his breaths tumbled out of his chest. His dick swelled, painfully constrained by his groin plate, but it wasn’t until Scott began unlatching the clasps of his armor that reality made its vicious return. 

An image of Kaidan lying, unconscious, in the hospital bed on the Citadel flashed through his mind, and John was certain of two things in that moment. One, he loved Scott and wanted nothing more than to be joined with him in this moment and for all their moments ever after. Two, he loved Kaidan with just as much fervor and passion, and the older man would never understand what he was about to do with Scott. 

Frustration burned in his chest, so overwhelming tears sprang to his eyes. “Fuck, Scott, no… stop… we, we can’t,” he gasped out even as his body chased after the contact of its own volition. Gently, he grasped Scott’s wrist and moved it away from his armor clasps. 

Scott had frozen, stock still, body rigid as a board. In the dim light that crept in under the door, Shepard saw the distraught look on Scott’s face. “I’m sorry,” the younger man whispered, “I thought-”

Shepard cut him off with a tender press of his lips. “I want you, Scott. I do. More than you can know, but it… we have to wait. Just… this isn’t the best time.”

“Is this because of the mission, or...“ John saw him biting his lower lip, eyes darting around nervously before coming to rest on the N7 insignia of Shepard’s chest plate. “Or is it because of Kaidan?” 

His heart sank at the fear and despair in Scott’s voice. _ Fuck!  _ How could he tell him that it was because of both of them? That he loved them both, wanted them both? Even in his own mind, it sounded selfish, but what was the point of love if not to share it? 

“It… it’s because of both of you,” Shepard confessed. “And we need to have a serious conversation, but not here, not now. I’m asking you just… please trust me, and when we get out of this, I’ll explain everything to you, okay?”

“Kaidan’s the one,” Scott said miserably. “How could I have forgotten? I-”

Shepard kissed him again, willing him to understand. “Please, Scott. Just… just-”

Scott pulled away, adjusting his armor and covering his emotions like a mask. “This way,” he said, stepping out of the closet. 

**

Shepard stood in the doorway of Kaidan’s hospital room. The man was still lying unconscious in the bed, upper body covered in dark purple bruises. He’d just left Scott Ryder’s room a few doors down, and his heart was heavy with dread and regret, fear and sorrow. 

Crossing the room, he sat grimly on the stool by the bed and took Kaidan’s hand in his own. Every time he closed his eyes, his visions danced with images of Kaidan being bashed against the side of the shuttle, of Scott’s wild, panicked eyes as a Cerberus shot lodged in his chest. 

Scott had still been angry with him, enough to be distracted. Shepard had been furious with himself for letting it get to that point. The shot rang out, deafening, even above the din of the battle around them, and Shepard’s reflexes had been just a millisecond too slow for his barrier to protect Scott. He’d watched in horror as crimson oozed out of the hole in Scott’s pristine, white chest plate, spreading and marring the surface. 

He’d launched himself at the younger man, trusting Vega and Liara to finish off the troops inside the engine core. Dragging Scott to safety, John had fallen to his knees, tears in his eyes as Scott looked up at him with a pleading desperation that would likely haunt Shepard for the rest of his life. 

“John,” he’d croaked.

“Shh, you’re gonna be fine,” Shepard had lied, not daring to believe it for even one second. 

“I’m s-sorry-”

“Don’t worry about anything. There will be plenty of time to talk about it later.” He could tell by Scott’s rueful smile that the younger man hadn’t believed it any more than he had, but he’d be damned if he was going to give up now. 

Scott had reached for his cheek, smearing bright, red blood across it before losing consciousness. Shepard had worked frantically to administer as much medi-gel as he could before carrying the younger man to the ship’s med-bay. 

He’d spent the two and a half hours that Scott was in surgery prowling the corridor outside of medbay like a lion on the hunt. He’d been unable to relax until the doctor came to tell him that Scott would pull through. The drell had also suggested that as soon as he was stable, it might be best to move him to the Citadel where he’d receive better care than they could provide aboard the ship. 

Shepard was surprised to realize he’d been speaking all these memories aloud to Kaidan, who lay, unmoving, on the bed. Tears dripped off his nose onto the back of Kaidan’s hand, still clasped tightly within his own. 

“You probably hate me now,” he whispered. “Or you will when you’re awake to hear these things. I know I’m a selfish bastard, and I’m sorry,” he sniffed, swiping at the wetness on his face with his free hand. 

“I just… I know I have some decisions to make, I just… How? How do I choose?” 

He’d been asking himself that question for six months now and was no closer to an answer today than he had been the first time he’d seen Kaidan step through his cell door. Squeezing Kaidan’s hand one last time, he took the liberty of placing a gentle kiss on the back of it before tucking it back under the blanket. 

Peace and joy had eluded him his entire life, and as he left Huerta Memorial and headed back to Normandy’s docking bay, it seemed as though his fortune hadn’t changed in the slightest. Duty beckoned, and as the elevator door closed behind him, he knew he’d just left his whole heart on the other side.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uhh....sorry... :X


	10. Chapter 9

He awoke groggy and numb, not for the first time, and if he was being honest with himself, brain as befuddled as it was, Scott really hated it. It was terrifying, the feeling of being helpless and weak, body and mind not working properly. It passed, eventually. Not nearly as quick as he would have liked. As the haze faded, clarity quickly took its place. 

Scott had fought with Shepard and in his rage and hurt and confusion, he had been shot. 

With shaking hands he roamed his chest, noting he was nude under pristine white sheets, except for a pair of briefs. Gauzy bandages were wrapped tightly around his chest, and he felt a stab of pain lance through his core when he lightly pressed against the wound. The young man clung to the sheets of the bed, eyes clenched shut as he waited for the pain to abate. Slow and shallow breaths seemed to be the ticket, anything more and the pain threatened to rise again. 

Well, he wasn’t dead, which was a relief. He remembered all too well the fear and pain that had passed through him as he lay bleeding out on the Ark floor. Shepard’s eyes, so blue and so afraid, full of tears as he worked to staunch the flow of blood. Scott gave an involuntary shudder. 

Pain in his chest aside, the younger man felt hollowed out, the ache in his chest mirroring the ache in his heart. Heartfelt apologies made when you were dying didn’t really clear up the jumble that he and Shepard were currently in. 

It was a fucking mess. Scott loved Shepard, he was sure of it now. No doubts, not just lust, but love. Head over heels, all in, dumbstruck, heart-pounding love. 

He turned slightly, ignoring the twinge in his chest and stared out the window. He was in Huerta Memorial, that much was obvious. A really nice room too, floor to ceiling glass windows offered one hell of a view of the Presidium. From here, everything looked normal. Sky-cars zoomed past silently, people walked along the streets, some in a hurry others taking a leisurely stroll. From here you couldn’t tell there was a war going on, raging across the galaxy. From here he could pretend he hadn’t almost died and that Shepard wasn’t out there now, risking his life and fighting for them all.

Almost dying had a way of putting things into perspective. Scott was sure of his feelings, but what was tearing him up, filling him with all this uncertainty was John. Where did John stand in all of this? When they had been making out in that closet he had been enthusiastic enough, at least until they stopped he had. And Scott was convinced the man felt…something at least. More than a quick fuck or an easy lay, but what exactly was the extent of those feelings? Shepard was obviously torn.

Which brought him to Kaidan. 

Kaidan fucking Alenko, a major in the Alliance and drop dead gorgeous. One of the Heroes of the Citadel, badass biotic, and from Scott’s past interactions with him, a good man. He had served with Shepard, fought side by side with him, proved himself over and over. The Major had a lot to offer John and in retrospect, it was easy to see the history between them, the spark they had. If Scott hadn’t been so enamored, wanting to jump Shepard every moment he saw him, he might have noticed sooner. How could he compete with that? Did he even want to try?

The thought of losing John though. That hurt. When he had been left behind to stay and work on the Quarian Ark, that had sucked, but it also felt a little like fate. Scott had been ready to leave behind everything here, and yet here he was, opportunity at hand. 

No. He didn’t want to give up on Shepard. Not by a long shot. So then it came back to Kaidan. How was he going to handle the situation? He would be lying if he wasn’t a little infatuated with the Major himself. The man was hot and had a voice that you could just sink into. Would he be willing to share John with him if it came down to it? Scott didn’t know, wasn’t sure he wanted to share Shepard with anyone, no matter the history between them. 

He took a deep breath and blew it out his nose in a rush, ignoring the pain that briefly flared. This wasn’t helping. 

It sucked, but at the moment there was nothing for it. As far as he knew, Kaidan was dead to the world in a hospital room just like his. There would be no resolution until he either died or woke up, that Scott was sure of. John would be devastated if the Major died, and Scott wasn’t sure they’d be able to recover what they had if Kaidan did so. 

Scott’s limbs felt heavy and his eyes fluttered shut as his exhaustion overtook him again, pulling him under into the blissful relief of sleep. “Just wake up Kaidan,” he murmured. “Just wake up.” The words echoed in his mind and followed him to his dreams. 

***

The days spent cooped up in Huerta seemed to pass torturously slow, Scott having little to do while he recovered from his wounds. Apparently, chest wounds healed slowly, even with the miracles of modern medicine and medi-gel. Initially the young biotic was bedridden, unable to find the strength to more than shift his position on the bed, breathing was stilted and anything more labor-intensive than that was out of the picture. 

After a week spent like that Scott was ready to go crazy. He hadn’t heard from Shepard, not that he’d sent a message to John either, and Kaidan still hadn’t woken up. The one upside was that he could finally leave his bed. He didn’t get far or move very fast but he was up, and that’s what mattered. 

With nothing better to do he visited Kaidan when he could make the long shuffling journey down the hall. The older man’s room was only five rooms apart from him. Scott would pass the hours sitting in a chair specifically pulled up close to Kaidan’s bed and he would put some vid on the screen, giving the odd comment here or there as if the sleeping man might actually respond. If he tired of action vids and romance flicks, he would read aloud to his silent audience. 

Sometimes a Drell would be there and sometimes he wouldn’t, they never said more than a few words to each other in passing, but his presence was, oddly enough, a comfort. 

Scott wasn’t sure what to make of his situation, it was absurd. He was spending time with John’s friend – but also more than that – as if it could help him understand how to proceed. It was an odd feeling, seeing Kaidan covered in bruises, the man looked small and vulnerable and it tugged at Scott’s heart in strange and confusing ways. Still, he kept his vigil, hoping the sleeping man would wake. 

Two weeks, three days and fourteen hours into his recovery, he finally did. Scott had been in the middle of a checkup, the kindly Asari doctor who had been overseeing his treatment was changing his wrapping when the Drell, whose name he still didn’t know, interrupted them. Dr. Lantara was less than pleased at the disturbance but Scott was overjoyed at the news. Kaidan was awake and lucid and according to his doctor, with the proper rest and treatment, would be making a full recovery. It was a relief to hear. Scott knew all too well that Shepard would have been devastated by the loss, and a part of him would have been too. 

News of Kaidan’s recovery would reach John, and with it, Shepard himself would come. He didn’t know how much time he had, but before John appeared, Scott and Kaidan needed to have a little chat. It wasn’t something he was looking forward to. Not one bit.

He took a deep breath and the Asari gave a pleased hum when he didn’t feel any pain or tightness in the action. 

“Well Ryder looks like you’re nearly recovered. You’ll be out of here soon enough.”

“Thanks for taking such good care of me Doc.” Scott hopped off the bed and reached for his shirt, pulling the soft white t over his shoulders and settling it with a contented sigh. “I’m good to go?”

Dr. Lantara snorted and rolled her eyes. “Yes, yes. Off you run to your Major.”

A quick flush of red crept up Ryder’s cheeks and he shook his head. “Not my Major, ma’am.” He fled the room leaving an unconvinced Lantara behind. 

His steps slowed as he neared Kaidan’s room. What the hell was he going to say? Was it too soon to chat about something like this? Would Kaidan even remember him? They had only met once and things went crazy almost immediately afterward… Scott took a deep breath and blew it out slowly. It didn’t matter, this was something that had to be done. 

Kaidan lay on the bed as usual, but it was propped up so he could gaze out the window comfortably, hands draped across his lap. He turned to look at Scott when he entered and the younger man had to stop himself from just running out the room. Now or never.

“Major Alenko? Scott Ryder, we met a little while back when we both visited Shepard?” 

The man nodded his recognition but otherwise didn’t respond. 

“I w-was hoping we could talk?”

***

Kaidan was almost certain he didn’t want to talk, not with his head pounding like it was and not with his upper body completely exposed and covered in bruises. He resisted the urge to pull the covers up to his chin. Instead, he motioned to the chair next to his bed and carefully changed his position so he would be able to face Scott comfortably. 

“This is about Shepard.” His voice was hoarse and heavy, and he tried to clear his throat. 

Scott, in turn, grabbed the pitcher of water and poured Kaidan a glass before sitting down and handing it to him, blue eyes anxious but also concerned.

He murmured his thanks before taking a long drink, enjoying the cool sensation as it eased away some of the pain. The younger man sat in silence, hands moving restlessly, first clenched tightly in his lap, then moving to wrap them around his chest and finally settling for his knees, palm side down. Kaidan was content for the moment to sit and observe. Scott took a deep breath before finally meeting his questioning gaze. 

“Yeah. Yeah, t-this is about John.”

“Kind of figured. Heh.” Kaidan shook his head and immediately regretted the decision, sucking in a pained breath as his skull erupted in fire. All of a sudden the lights were too bright and he felt nauseous. 

“Shit, Kaidan you need me to grab the doc?”

The older man held up a placating hand, “Nah, it’ll pass. Just gotta,” he paused and shut his eyes, “ride it out. Give me a sec.”

Eventually, the pain receded to a dull ache and he could manage to open his eyes again. He gave Scott a strained smile, trying to alleviate the anxiety he found in those piercing baby blues. Ryder wasn’t buying it.

“I’ll call the doc, she’ll give you a good look over and maybe some pain meds, all right?”

Kaidan huffed out his annoyance. “No Scott, not all right. I already saw the doc, and I don’t want to push this conversation off because I’m doped up on drugs.”

“Fair enough.” The younger man, half out of his chair already paused and gave Kaidan a searching glance, whatever he saw, it was enough. Scott nodded and sat back down. “Okay.”

There was an awkward silence between the two of them, building until Scott started fidgeting with his hands again. A part of him, that jealous and dark part Kaidan liked to pretend he didn’t have, enjoyed the way Ryder squirmed, but the more sympathetic part won out and he reached out to still the younger man’s hands. 

A faint flush crept over his cheeks when their eyes met but Kaidan’s voice was warm and steady. “It’s okay, Scott. You like Shepard. It’s written all over your face. I must have been blind to not see it clearer when we met back in Vancouver.” He leaned back and rested his head fully on the pillow, closing his eyes before letting out a soft sigh. “Shepard obviously likes you back.”

“Yeah. There is no point in denying that there is a mutual attraction between John and I. The thing is… John likes you too, Kaidan.” 

“I like him a lot too, Scott. More than I ever thought I could, and if I’m being honest with myself, I’m pretty damn sure I’m in love with him.” Kaidan ran his hands along the bruises of his face, fingers light and gentle. “In fact, I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life.”

Scott sighed, and Kaidan didn’t need to hear his next words to grasp the truth of them. “I love him, too.” 

Their eyes met for several uncomfortable moments. Kaidan’s mind whirred with thoughts and possibilities. Shepard was a lot of things - fierce, loyal, formidable - but one thing Kaidan had never known him to be was indecisive. He’d watched the man assess all manner of situations and make the split-second decisions required of good leadership in order to achieve the best outcome in a given circumstance. The fact that Shepard was torn about his feelings for both him and Scott should have bothered him more than it did. 

“I’m sorry,” Scott continued before Kaidan had a chance to speak. “I shouldn’t have bothered you with this so soon after you just woke up.”

Kaidan waved it off. There was no time like the present to get to the heart of what would likely be a major issue between the two of them. Another thought occurred to him. “The nurse said you’d spent a lot of time in my room since you became mobile… why?”

An adorable blush spread over the man’s cheeks, and Kaidan felt the pressure in his chest increase. 

“I, uh… well… I know how much John… cares for you, and I knew he’d be devastated if anything happened to you, so… I don’t know. I guess I just felt obligated to make sure you’d be alright.” 

His heart did a little flip-flop when Scott stopped talking and stared self-consciously down at the floor. There was also a thread of confusion working its way through his mind. Why would Scott care whether Kaidan lived or died? If Kaidan was out of the way, Scott would be free to pursue his attraction to Shepard without the threat of competition. Something about the selfless act softened Kaidan’s heart toward the man he’d already begun to see as an obstacle between him and Shepard. 

“That’s, uh, really sweet,” he said, earning that flush of pink across Scott’s cheeks again. “What did you do when you were here?” 

“Watched movies, mostly,” Scott admitted. “Sometimes I read to you.” 

Scott’s face was practically glowing now as his voice trailed off into silence. Kaidan was struck with the urge to reach out to the man, but he refrained. “Thank you,” he said, instead, voice suspiciously rough and gravelly. 

“You’re welcome,” Scott said, the words accompanied by the smallest smile. “I uh… I guess we’re not going to settle things without John here, but I just want to let you know that… while I respect you, I… I’m going to fight for him.” 

Kaidan huffed a laugh at that. “Fair enough,” he agreed. Scott nodded and stood to leave. “Just so you know, I’ll be fighting, too,” he called out just as the man reached the door. Sadness - or resignation - washed over the younger man’s face and he nodded before slipping quietly out of the room. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!!! ♥


	11. Chapter 10

Kaidan’s nurse - whom he had dubbed Chipper Kimber - was driving him nuts. Every time he saw her coming, he cringed, then felt guilty about it. He was receiving excellent care; he would just have preferred someone a bit more laid back. Kimber helped him from his bed to a wheelchair, and he thought of Dr. Chakwas, whom he’d seen briefly on one of the  _ Normandy’s _ visits to the Citadel, and her serene calm. He longed for the ‘good ole days’ when life had felt simpler and the worst he ever had to deal with was a migraine, a bullet to the shoulder, or that one broken humerus - which was not at all funny. 

It was also the time when he saw Shepard every single day. When he’d fallen in love with his Commander - though he’d never had the balls to say so. When the downtime between missions that wasn’t reserved for sleeping or plotting or running a ship had seen the pair of them at a table in the mess sharing coffee or tea as they chatted about their past. 

As Chipper Kimber wheeled him down for his first physical therapy appointment, he did his best to ignore her chatter and focus his thoughts on the first human Spectre instead. 

After Shepard had died, Kaidan often wondered what sorts of secret thoughts the Commander had harbored about those times together. He hoped that the feeling hadn’t been one-sided, but he’d missed his chance to find out. Those next two years were the most difficult ones he’d experienced since Brain Camp, but he’d grown a lot. Learned so much about himself. He’d focused all his attention on work and training, and he was stronger for it. Kaidan was convinced it was the reason why Udina had offered him the Spectre position in the first place. 

Kaidan wanted to talk to Shepard - to John - about it, but the only time he’d seen him since waking, the Commander had... not looked good. Something was clearly eating away at the man upon whom the fate of the whole galaxy had been dumped. Shepard had sat, awkwardly, beside Kaidan’s bed, fiddling with Kaidan’s fingers and mostly avoiding eye contact. He’d made some quip about Kaidan getting better with age, but there had been such a sad note to it, that Kaidan wasn’t sure if it was supposed to be flirting, or if Shepard was hiding something. 

_ ‘Are you flirting with me, Shepard? No, no. Don’t tell me. Let me live in the illusion.’ _

At least that had garnered a chuckle. 

Kaidan was worried. Was Shepard looking so defeated because of the war… or because he didn’t want to break the news to him that he’d chosen Scott Ryder? Kaidan hadn’t seen the younger man since the day he’d woken up, and Scott had brazenly told him that he’d fight for Shepard. At the time, Kaidan had practically laughed it off, letting the man know in no uncertain terms that he wasn’t giving up on finally having John Shepard as something more than a friend and fellow officer. But then he’d had a dream that night that wouldn’t leave him alone, and all that was left in its wake was confusion. 

Some part of it made him feel guilty, like he was being disloyal. He and Shepard hadn’t exactly made any promises to one another, but there had been that kiss, then the awkward flirting in his hospital room and a bottle of whiskey that John had assured him they’d share together once Kaidan was released from the hospital. Kaidan kept that whiskey on the table by his bed as a reminder that Shepard still wanted some sort of future with him, at the very least. 

Still, he hadn’t seen Scott Ryder in days, and honestly, he wasn’t sure when he’d be ready to see the man again. His emotions were a tangled mess at the moment, and he’d like to make some headway on sorting them out before seeing either Scott  _ or _ John again. 

Fate - as it typically does - decided for him. 

Chipper Kimber - still prattling on about something that Kaidan had thus far successfully blocked out - wheeled him into the physical therapy studio. There sat Scott Ryder, staring dolefully at the floor with his clasped hands between his knees. There was a pang of simultaneous jealousy and excitement as he watched the man, and Kaidan drew on a breathing technique he’d learned at Brain Camp - at least something good had come from it - to help him regain his calm and focus. 

There was some horror as he realized that Kimber was aiming him straight for the chair where Scott was sitting, but it seemed he had few options, stuck in the wheelchair as he was. An asari was hovering anxiously beside Scott, but as soon as she saw Kaidan, her eyes lit up and she laid an excited hand on the younger man’s shoulder. She whispered something to Scott Ryder - whose face immediately scrunched up in panic - and appeared to be rather pleased with herself. 

“Ah, Major,” the asari said, practically twittering with her enthusiasm. 

Kaidan gave Scott a perplexed look and received one of utter mortification in exchange. The entire thing was bewildering. If possible, Chipper Kimber’s cheerfulness escalated, to a point that neither he nor Scott - nor the excitable asari - could understand what she was trying to say. Scott’s asari finally took pity on them all and explained that she’d arranged it so that the two of them could take physio together. The men exchanged dubious glances and were then left alone with only each other as the two nurses bustled out of the room. 

Scott sat, his expression a cross between discomfort, anger, and embarrassment, and Kaidan felt a modicum of pity for the guy. Perhaps he felt bad for throwing down the proverbial gauntlet, or perhaps he just didn’t want to have to spend any significant time with his romantic rival. As it was, Kaidan would be happy not to talk about any of it, though he hadn’t a clue what he  _ would _ talk to Ryder about. The other option - which was to go through these next few weeks of physical therapy as a mute - was less than appealing. Kaidan had no desire to be an ass to the guy, either. 

Despite the fact that Kaidan viewed him as clear competition, he couldn’t seem to dislike Scott. Maybe this whole scenario would have been easier if he could. But Scott was friendly... and pretty adorable. Definitely easy on the eyes. And if Shepard saw something in the man, then that just proved that Scott was someone worth getting to know. And all these little revelations only served to strengthen Kaidan’s confusion and frustration over the whole situation. 

The physical therapist finally arrived, smelling of garlic and tomatoes, to save them from their awkward silence. She explained that the pair of them would be assisting each other with their therapy - though she never quite explained whether it was some new-fangled medical technique, or simply that the hospital was understaffed due to the war. Nevertheless, she handed them a datapad with a few warm-up exercises, pointed them toward a blue, rubber mat on the floor and left them alone with the lingering garlic cloud. Scott wrinkled his nose as she passed, and Kaidan covered his snicker with his hand, catching the bright gleam in the younger man’s eye.

Scott stood, wincing and rubbing his fingers lightly over his chest before exhaling through the sharp pain he was obviously still feeling. He then held out a hand to Kaidan, who was not too proud to admit he’d do better holding onto someone as he tried to stand. His legs had not been injured, but he was still fairly weak and wobbly - hence the physical therapy. 

“So, what happened to you?” Kaidan decided to start with something simple. Wasn’t that the way it worked? Trading war stories.  _ ‘Hey pal, what’re you in for?’ _ Only, he regretted the question when a dark shadow colored the younger man’s face. Whatever had happened, it was a painful memory for Scott. 

“Took a shot to the chest,” Scott said, studying the information on the datapad. He gave Kaidan a few quick instructions, then set the pad aside to begin a mirroring set of stretches. 

It surprised Kaidan how easily they were both winded, but he supposed if Scott had punctured a lung or something… Well, it was just a damned miracle the man was still alive. Throughout the course of the day, Kaidan finally got the whole story from Scott - he and Shepard had argued, about Kaidan of all things, and it had proven to be enough of a distraction that Scott had nearly been killed. No wonder Shepard had seemed so lost the last time he’d visited. 

Scott lifted his t-shirt and folded down the corner of the impressively large bandage taped across the front of his chest. The scar would be a beaut - a fact which Kaidan informed Scott of, and damn the man was cute when he gave that bashful grin - but the truth was, Kaidan was more impressed by the sculpted lines of the man’s abs. He swallowed, hoping he hadn’t been too obvious, and got back to work on his exercises. 

**

_ Kaidan is awesome, _ Scott thought. It was really no damn wonder John was in love with the man. “Come on, Alenko,” he coaxed. “Just a few minutes longer.” Scott watched a bead of sweat run down Kaidan’s temple and tried not to shiver. He focused on the stopwatch on his chrono instead. 

“So,” Kaidan forced out through labored breaths. He’d almost made it thirty minutes on the treadmill. His longest run so far in the three weeks they’d been at this. “Australia?”

“Oh… yeah.” Scott paused for a sip of water, then got Kaidan’s towel and water bottle for him. They were almost done for the day. “Like I said, growing up, we almost never saw dad, but he always made sure that we were all there for the annual family vacation. We’d go diving off the Great Barrier Reef every year. It’s always been my absolute favorite place to be.” 

“But you were going to leave it all behind to head to the Andromeda galaxy?” 

“Well, yeah… I mean… My family’s gone. My career’s in the shitter. I guess I just figured… I mean, there’s probably coral reefs - or something similar - in Andromeda, right?” 

“I suppose anything’s possible.” Kaidan slapped at the stop button on the treadmill when Scott’s timer went off, then gratefully accepted the towel and water the younger man offered him. 

“But, I can’t even run away properly,” Scott sighed. “Dad, in his infinite wisdom, fucked that up for me, too.” He ran a hand through his sweat-soaked hair as Kaidan stepped down from the machine. He figured Kaidan was probably wishing that Alec Ryder wasn’t such a colossal ass, too. Probably for different reasons than Scott, though. But then, Kaidan laid a hand on his shoulder. 

“I can’t imagine how much that must have hurt, Scott,” Kaidan said softly. “But… maybe your old man did you a favor.” 

Scott snorted. “Yeah, this is just great,” he snapped. “I’m stuck here with a hole in my chest, while the Reapers lay waste to the galaxy, and my sister is millions of light years away, and I don’t know if I’ll ever see her again. And… and the damn quarians may have decided to take off without me!” 

“But Shepard’s here,” Kaidan said, in nearly a whisper.

His voice was so soft and soothing that it made Scott squirm. Kaidan wasn’t supposed to be this damned  _ nice! _ How was he supposed to hate the man and steal Shepard away when he genuinely  _ liked _ the guy so much? “Yeah… Shepard’s here,” he heard himself agreeing. 

These days, Shepard’s name sparked an entire ocean of conflicting emotions in Scott’s chest. John had visited a couple of times, but his mood had been much more subdued than before. It seemed imprisonment was preferable to conducting a war - not that Scott could blame him for feeling that way. But it was more than that. Even their relationship - budding relationship? - had taken a downturn. John seemed less excited to see him, less affectionate - though Scott could readily admit he had very little to base this comparison on. The fact was, Shepard just felt distant. 

As much as he wanted to be a mature adult about the whole thing - the honest truth was that the war was taking a toll on everyone and everything, and it wasn’t as if he and John had been on the best of terms when Scott had gotten injured - he was finding it rather difficult. Part of him longed to seal the deal - so to speak - with Shepard, to force his hand so that he had to make up his mind and choose between him and Kaidan. But another part - the greater part - didn’t want to lose the man by compelling him to make such a choice. 

And then there was Kaidan - whom Scott was in no way developing feelings for. 

The whole thing was just a goddamned mess! 

“Damn! I need a shower,” Kaidan muttered, and Scott turned away to gather his belongings, nodding along with the man’s assessment. 

He felt disgusting after his run on the treadmill, but Scott simply couldn’t let himself think about Kaidan in the shower. There were a whole slew of reasons why not. Not the least of which was the fact that, no matter how he felt about John, Kaidan was, to put it bluntly, so fucking  _ hot! _ And if he didn’t stop that train of thought right this minute, he was going to embarrass the hell out of himself. 

“Me, too,” he admitted feebly. 

“All right, well… I guess I’ll see you tomorrow, Scott.” 

“See ya.” 

Scott made his way back to his room and straight into the shower. He was not going to jerk off to thoughts of Kaidan Alenko. It was  _ not _ going to happen. Instead, he closed his eyes and conjured up that old familiar memory of his one and only night with John Shepard, and let the thoughts carry him away to a happier time. 

***

Kaidan was only freshly out of his shower, fluffy white towel wrapped around his waist and hair still wet when he felt an explosion tremble through the floor. A second one, much closer, rattled the windows and had him rushing to the tinted glass to see what the hell was going on. Plumes of black smoke billowed from the courtyard below, crashed and smoldering hover cars littered the walkway. The normal steady flow of people was a mass of panic and chaos, and armed figures were indiscriminately mowing them down with gunfire.

Panic and rage froze him place a moment before his training kicked in. He whipped off his towel in a flurry and made for the trunk stowed under his bed, a “gift” from Councilor Udina for accepting the Spectre position.

It was a new set of armor, similar in design to his previous set, but this time with a white lacquered Spectre symbol on the chest. A bit ostentatious, but the armor was tailored to fit him perfectly and at the moment that’s exactly what he needed. Much to his delight, the chest opened with a hiss when he placed his palm upon the lock and alongside his armor was an M7 Rifle with spare heat sinks. A small, grim smile danced along his face.

A stifled gasp had him whipping around, rifle expanding into position as Kaidan turned, only to see Scott standing in the doorway, already armored. Ryder’s face was turning slowly red, and it was in that moment that Kaidan remembered his towel was on the floor and Scott was getting an eyeful.

Red-faced or no, the younger man didn’t hesitate to give him a once-over, and from his expression, he liked what he was seeing. Kaidan couldn’t help the shiver that ran through his body as Scott’s eyes raked over him. A flush crept up his own cheeks at the scrutiny, and he lowered his rifle to conveniently cover his privates.

That seemed enough to snap Scott out of it. He turned around on the spot to give Kaidan a bit of privacy.

“S-sorry. I came to check up on you and uh…” Scott cleared his throat, words trailing off.

Kaidan took a moment to grab the under armor in the case and began to slide it on quickly, the familiarity of the motion seemed to calm his racing heart.

“It’s ok. Got a sitrep for me?”

“Not really. I mean, everyone is in a panic and the staff is working on barricading the doors to the hospital, but at the same time, there is an influx of wounded trying to get in. It’s chaos out there.”

“And the attackers?”

Scott hesitated a moment before continuing in a hushed whisper. “It’s Cerberus.”

“Fuck.”

“Yeah…pretty much.”

The process of equipping his armor didn’t take long, only a few minutes spent and only a few pained grunts earned. Kaidan fixed the rifle to the mag lock on his back and reached into the trunk for the Carnifex pistol stowed inside, affixing it to his leg holster. Udina really had thought about everything.

Which brought him to his next decision, the one that had his gut churning and his heart aching. The innocent civilians being gunned down in cold blood or the council, his duty or his conscience.

“Kaidan?” Scott turned to face him, blue eyes uncertain and questioning. Needing some sort of answer, some sort of direction.

He took a deep breath and let it out slowly through his nose, looking the younger man in the eye. “I need to get to the Council. Cerberus may be trying for a hostile takeover and the Council cannot fall.”

Scott gestured out the window, at the plumes of smoke and the people, fleeing and dying in droves. “And the rest of them? We just leave them?”

“I’m a Spectre now and my duty is to protect the Council, with my life. C-Sec will see to civilian protection, we have to trust them to do their job too. Stay here and see to the defense of the hospital, save as many as you can and for god’s sake don’t get hurt again.” He gave Ryder a small smile, one that he hoped portrayed calm confidence.

Scott’s face was scrunched in frustration and his shoulders were tense, but after a moment, whatever internal struggle the younger man was dealing with was settled and he shook his head.

“I’m coming with you. There is no way in hell I’m letting you make your way through that mess alone.”

“Not a chance, Scott. I won’t put you in harm’s way. Think about Shepard, what would happen to him if anything happened to you?”

“I am thinking of Shepard, you jackass.” Scott’s voice was strained as he shouted. “Think about what would happen to him if anything happened to you! You’re just as important to him. Shepard’s out there fighting, putting his ass on the line, you’re gonna be out there fighting too.” He ran a hand through his brown locks and before taking a deep breath, voice calming, if only a little. “How could you think I would do anything less?”

Blue eyes pierced Kaidan, full of fire and youth, reckless bravado. They reminded him of John’s eyes, and he felt his gut tighten. He let out a huff but lifted his hands in surrender.

“Ok. But if you’re going to come with me, then you follow my lead. No reckless attacks, got it?”

Scott gave him a hesitant smile and nodded. “Got it.”

“All right. Let’s get to it.”

The two of them strode through the hospital, C-sec already there trying to evacuate patients while doctors and nurses took a catalogue of new incoming patients, tending to those in most dire need as well as they could. They were let past the barricade without trouble, both of them un-holstering their weapons as they passed through the doors.

Kaidan and Scott let their biotics ignite, wreathing them in blue, as the two of them faced the chaos, together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh gosh, a date late, but hopefully the wait was worth it! <3


	12. Chapter 11

There was still smoke drifting through the air, ever present no matter where you were on the Citadel. It was a stark reminder of the bloodshed and death that had happened only a week and a half ago. It was faint right now, distant and washed-out in the background, for which Scott was immensely grateful. He drummed his fingers on the pristine white tabletop, eyes roving from the view overlooking the presidium commons to the bustling crowd going back and forth. 

A week and a half ago Cerberus attacked the Citadel and killed thousands, but life and industry must go on, the endless demands of commerce a driving force to push the citizenry out and working. 

Scott felt a twinge of guilt as he sat there. The people were rushing by, far more hurried than they would normally be, faces were tense, shoulders set slightly hunched, and the air of forced levity was almost cloying. 

Perhaps meeting John for lunch at Apollo’s was a bad idea. When the hostess had seated him, he could tell by the tightness in her eyes she was nervous. When his waiter offered him a menu with a shaky hand accompanied by a strained smile, he was reminded that it was humans who had attacked. A fringe group sure, but it had to be on the tip of every alien tongue, in the corners of every alien mind. Cerberus. 

He glanced at his water, watching as the condensation dripped slowly down the glass to pool at the base, felt that gnawing guilt in the pit of his stomach. Partly for humanity’s role played out in Cerberus, and the other, a date with John when he knew full well that Kaidan was ...well he was something to Shepard. Still, he was grateful just to be able to sit down and carve out some time, just the two of them.

Things had been more than tense lately and Scott just… missed John. Missed him something fierce.

Stealing the Commander of the Normandy away from his busy schedule was no small feat, but his heart had fluttered in his chest when he got the response message back. So he had set the time, set the place and had anxiously awaited the approaching day. Now all that was needed was for John to actually show up. Not that Scott thought John would ever ditch him. Shepard was too kind for that. If anything popped up he would message Scott and let him know. 

But damn if it wasn't nerve-wracking waiting for him.

He glanced at the time on his omnitool again, and as if on cue, Shepard arrived. Looking a little flushed, a little out of breath, but he was smiling. Oh, how he smiled.

The threads of tension that he’d been carrying loosened. No matter where they stood, Shepard was obviously happy to see him. The relief curled his lips into an answering smile. 

When Shepard reached the table, he bent down for a light kiss, and Scott couldn’t resist the urge to wrap a hand around the back of his neck and hold him close for a moment more. The second kiss lingered, sending tremors of excitement racing along his nerve endings. An outdoor cafe in the middle of the Presidium was hardly the place to get down and dirty, but things had been tense between them for so long that Scott just needed that shred of reassurance that came with a physical connection to the man. 

He pulled away, leaving John suspended half in the air with his ass hovering over the chair and looking dazed. Scott retrieved his menu, feeling more than a little self-satisfied as Shepard took his seat and shifted his hips to get more comfortable. The half-hearted glare he received in return told him that Shepard was aware of what he was thinking. 

The kiss, the teasing glances all felt so good, so natural. Like maybe there was hope for them in the future. That knowledge lifted his mood until he felt light and breezy - the way he always felt in John Shepard’s presence. 

The waiter came to take their drink order, and Scott stared at John, mesmerized. He wasn’t sure how it had happened that he’d managed to attract the attention of a man like this, but he’d take it. 

“Whiskey,” Shepard told the waiter in a low growl, and Scott leaned forward on the table, chin in his palm, and grinned like a fool. “Smug little shit,” Shepard muttered. 

By the time their food and drinks arrived, Scott’s heart was soaring, but there was a lot for them to sort out. They hadn’t exactly left things in a great place after his injury on the quarian ark. Despite their brief visits in the hospital, there were issues that needed closure. The selfish part of him wanted to just ignore all that and focus on enjoying each other’s company, but he also knew that things needed to be dealt with if they were ever going to move forward. 

Shepard’s brow furrowed when Scott brought it up, a pained expression passing over his face. Maybe Scott should have set this conversation aside to deal with at a later date, but he had to know where they stood. 

John drained his whiskey and pushed his half-eaten food away from him, then Scott felt truly bad. It probably wasn’t often the man had a chance to take a break, enjoy a meal that didn’t come out of a foil pouch. Shepard reached for Scott’s hand, countenance stern but eyes kind, if a little sad. 

“You remember the night we spent together, “ Shepard asked him. 

“Of course I do. If you don’t I may die of a broken heart.” 

With a chuckle, John continued, “I remember very well.” His voice took on a husky timbre that sent shivers down Scott’s spine. The light moment passed quickly, however. Shepard rubbed his forehead with his free hand, seeming to struggle for the right words to say. “You remember what I told you? About… being in love with someone who didn’t love me back.” 

“Kaidan,” Scott said softly, the name not quite as bitter on his tongue as it should have been. The man was, for all intents and purposes, his rival, for god’s sake. Only, it didn’t feel like Kaidan was a rival at all. He felt like… something more - something Scott couldn’t give voice to just yet. 

“Kaidan,” John agreed. “I… I still love him, but I have feelings for you, too.” 

“Feelings?” 

Shepard cleared his throat and met Scott’s eyes with a steady blue gaze. “I love you,” he said quietly. “I love you both. And I don’t know how to choose between the two of you. I’m so sorry.” 

He should have felt numb, disappointed, outraged -  _ something _ other than the sheer relief that rushed through him. Shepard loved him? He could definitely work with that.

\---

  
  


Shepard was equal parts giddy and guilty. This whole thing with Scott and Kaidan seemed to be getting out of hand. Both men knew he was stalling, both of them had to assume there was something fishy going on. Or maybe John was just getting paranoid in his old age. Not that thirty-one was old, but he was sure as hell feeling the wear and tear more these days. 

Kaidan was due to arrive at his apartment any minute, hence the guilt. They’d planned an evening out on the town. This date, coming so closely on the heels of his date with Scott Ryder, had his stomach swimming. Wanting to proceed and not knowing how was tearing him to pieces. 

When Kaidan arrived, it took Shepard a moment to notice the bag of groceries he was carrying because John was so damned busy staring at him like a slack-jawed idiot, unable to contain his goofy grin. God, Kaidan was so beautiful. 

Once the major made his way inside and informed John that he wanted to cook for him, Shepard was speechless. His mind immediately raced to inappropriate and impossible scenarios. An evening in his apartment, alone with this incredible man? It was a recipe for disaster. 

Still, he couldn’t deny the appeal of having this time to themselves, a chance to talk without being overheard by well-meaning busybodies. He’d just have to make sure that things stayed… friendly. Because he was in no way ready to alienate Scott from his life - a thought which hit him like a bucket of ice water. 

They bantered back and forth - just like old times - as they made their way into the kitchen. Kaidan passed him a bottle of his favorite beer, and Shepard took a deep draught. The lager was crisp and cold, and it slid smoothly down his throat, causing him to hum appreciatively. Kaidan smiled at him as though he possessed some secret that only he was privy to. It made Shepard’s stomach ripple with nerves. 

His attempts at keeping both men at bay while he sorted his shit out were draining, taking their toll on Shepard in the form of sleepless nights and unproductive days. He needed all his powers of concentration to lead the fleets to victory over the Reapers, but he simply couldn’t shake the thought that he was running out of time to tell either man how he really felt. 

Kaidan’s voice calmed him with its soothing lilt as he talked about mundane things like his favorite steak sandwich, a baked salmon dish that his mother was somewhat famous for in their family circle, and his obsessive love of the classic Canadian butter tart. “I always feel like I need to up my workout routine after a visit home,” he explained with a twinkle in his eye. 

“Your workouts suit you just fine,” Shepard mumbled around his beer bottle, and the glint in Kaidan’s expression darkened. 

“That so?” 

“You’re burning the garlic,” Shepard said. 

Kaidan grimaced and lowered the heat, quickly adding the sliced steak to the pan. He fell silent as he shuffled the meat and vegetables around. 

Shepard watched intently, sensing that he had something important to say. “Something on your mind, Kaidan?”

A timid smile graced the man’s lips for a moment before he finally met John’s eyes. “We’ve been friends a long time, right?”

Shepard nodded, setting his drink aside in order to give Kaidan his full attention. 

“Have you ever known me to be with anyone in all that time? I mean, maybe I’m just choosy, or… or patient. I don’t know.” He sighed, looking away from Shepard before continuing, “Maybe what I’ve never found - what I  _ want _ \- is something deeper with someone I already… care about.”

John stared at him with wide eyes. When Kaidan met his gaze, there was little doubt as to the  _ someone _ he referred to. Kaidan reached across and took his hand, and John’s eyes drifted closed. More than just about anything, he wanted to pull Kaidan across the counter that separated them and into his arms - to never let go. But he couldn’t. Not yet. Not until he confessed everything. 

He’d struggled and debated with himself for months, wanting what he shouldn’t, what he could probably never have. Sure he knew of poly relationships, knew that each of them had a way that worked for them when it came to jealousy or possessiveness. Despite the fact that it wasn’t considered taboo, it still wasn’t common, though. He had to assume that neither Kaidan nor Scott would want to share him. In John’s mind, it wouldn’t even be sharing. It would be multiplying, taking something beautiful and giving it equally to all partners involved. 

But if he confessed those things to Kaidan, he ran the risk of losing everything in the blink of an eye. Kaidan would probably run out of the room so fast it would make his head spin, and Shepard would be left alone… again. 

But how was that any different than his current reality? 

Right now, he had nothing, no commitment or romantic relationship with either man. Just an awkward phase of flirting and a few stolen kisses. What had happened between him and Scott months ago felt like ancient history - something that had occurred in another life. And while the memories of that night fueled many of his fantasies and kept some small hope burning in his chest, that night was just that - a memory. It didn’t mean that he had any right to ask for something more of Scott Ryder. 

Those memories also served to drive a wedge between him and Kaidan - at least as far as Shepard was concerned. Kaidan was confessing his heart to a man who’d held secrets from him for months. Who’d encouraged this tentative toe-dipping into the waters of something more than a strong friendship when he knew that he should put a stop to it. In that moment, he was reminded of all the ways he wasn’t good enough for either of the men that held a piece of his heart. However, the more he thought about it, the more he was convinced he should just come clean. Give Kaidan a chance to decide for himself while knowing all the facts that Shepard had held so close to his vest. 

Now was the time for him to act. He needed to be up front with Kaidan, give him the chance to leave before any more damage was done. Then he could call Scott and do the same for him. In hindsight, it was what he should have done from the very beginning. To keep stringing them both along for his own comfort was selfish in the extreme, and maybe once the truth was out there, the decision would be taken out of his hands completely. 

In a bizarre twist that had become par for the course of his life, it was both the right thing to do and the coward’s way out.

Concern furrowed Kaidan’s brows as he removed the frying pan from the heat and stepped around the counter. He draped his arms loosely over Shepard’s shoulders, and John couldn’t resist leaning his forehead against the man’s chest and circling his arms around his waist from where he sat on a bar stool. He steadied himself with Kaidan’s warm body, strong presence, and comforting scent, then he leaned back and looked one of the men he loved in the eyes. 

“I’m in love with you,” he said so softly, he barely heard it himself.

Kaidan’s smile was soft and genuine, full of affection. “Why do I sense a ‘but’ in there?”

John swallowed. “But… there’s someone else, too?” 

“Scott Ryder,” Kaidan said, his smile not faltering in the least. “I know. He and I had… a nice chat while we were both in the hospital.”

“You did?” His heart plummeted into his stomach.

Kaidan nodded and kissed him on the forehead before extricating himself to continue the meal preparations. Shepard sat in stunned silence, wondering if he’d drifted to sleep and was now dreaming. 

“We’re not going to worry about that tonight,” Kaidan said while Shepard continued to gape. “Tonight we’re going to enjoy each other’s company.” The smile he gave was reassuring, and it left John feeling both comforted and confused. 

He’d confessed his deep, dark sin, and Kaidan was, what? Okay with it? A sigh escaped him. He was no closer to having any answers, now, than he’d been before. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nothing like cliffhangers and even more cliffhangers!! ☺ Gotta have some way of keeping y'all coming back for more! Thanks for all the awesome comments and kudos on this fic. I know I'm waaaaay behind in responding to them, but rest assured they're appreciated more than you could know!!! 
> 
> ~Elle


	13. Chapter 12

Kaidan had some decisions to make. 

It had been a few weeks since his dinner with Shepard. He was back on the Normandy, seeing John every day. They’d fallen back into their normal, old routine of post-mission debriefing and general conversation, only now it took place in the starboard observation lounge more often than not, rather than the mess hall or cargo bay. 

It was pleasant, even though nothing had been decided about the status of their relationship or Shepard’s feelings for a certain young, blue-eyed biotic. Scott had gone back to the quarian ark to resume his work on the necessary repairs, but Kaidan knew for a fact that the man had been communicating regularly with Shepard. 

What had surprised Kaidan was that Scott had been communicating with him as well. 

It had begun after they’d worked together to stop the Citadel coup. Scott had proven himself an adept and capable warrior. Not that Kaidan had necessarily doubted the man’s abilities, but it had been a nice surprise to see first-hand exactly how proficient he was. Kaidan’s respect for Scott Ryder had skyrocketed as they’d fought side by side, and he was once again reminded of what exactly it was that Shepard saw in him. Not only was he a skilled marksman and a powerful biotic, but he had a presence of mind on the battlefield that Kaidan had rarely seen in one so young. 

The fact that he filled out his armor like no one’s business wasn’t lost on Kaidan either. The man had a perfect body. One Kaidan had drooled over many times as they’d done their physical therapy together. Seeing that sleek form prowling across the battlefield had done things to Kaidan, no question. It had made him sit up and take notice of someone in a way he hadn’t since John Shepard had first set foot on the original Normandy so many years ago. 

When Scott had begun messaging him regularly, Kaidan at first thought he was just a sweet, thoughtful guy. The messages had been innocent enough - asking about Kaidan’s day, sharing an amusing anecdote, telling a silly joke. Their communiques had become more involved over time. They began sharing personal stories about themselves, getting to know one another, establishing a friendship that had quickly become important to Kaidan. Eventually, Kaidan had started sending quick texts just to ask Scott how he was, if he was okay, if he needed to talk about anything. 

Then they’d unexpectedly bonded over their mutual frustration with Shepard and how both their relationships with him seemed to be stuck in an odd sort of holding pattern. Thoughts of Scott began to take up an inordinate amount of Kaidan’s time throughout the day. 

Shepard had confessed that he and Scott had slept together the night before he’d been arrested. He’d spelled out the situation to Kaidan rather bluntly, insisting that there should be no secrets between them. Kaidan had waited and waited for the jealousy to overtake him, but it hadn’t come. Instead, the one-off dream he’d had in the hospital of the three of them in bed together had become a regular feature in his nighttime fantasies. 

The more he talked to both John and Scott, the more Kaidan wanted them both, and the more he began to see some sort of hope for a strange but fulfilling future relationship. He’d never considered himself as being polyamorous, but it had honestly never been anything he’d given much thought to either. Now it was  _ all _ he thought about. 

He sat staring out at the vast expanse of stars in front of him. Starboard observation had become his sanctuary since returning to the  _ Normandy _ weeks ago. The crew was due to dock with the Citadel in a few days' time, and a plan began to formulate in Kaidan’s mind. Apparently Scott was on the same page as he was though, as his omni-tool pinged that very moment.

_ Scott: How would you like to go to dinner with me? _

He stared at the app, heart pounding, re-reading the simple message over and over again, before finally tapping a reply.

_ Kaidan: Like a date? _

_ Scott: Exactly like a date _ .

His hands were shaking as he typed out his next response. Maybe this was a mistake. Maybe he should be messaging Shepard right now to let him know what was going on. It wasn’t that Kaidan wanted to hide this from Shepard, he just hoped that he and Scott could talk some things through before going to John. The three of them had run circles around each other long enough and it was time to start making some forward progress. 

He held his breath. 

_ Kaidan: I’d love to go on a date with you, Scott. _

There, done. Kaidan’s breath rushed out of him noisily, as he received another quick message from Scott letting him know the time and place for them to meet. A huge smile split his lips and Kaidan went to bed feeling lighter than he had in years. 

***

Scott was a little nervous about the place he had picked for them to meet. It was a small, quiet cafe, off the beaten path that specialized in asari cuisine. Scott was the first to admit he wasn’t very adventurous when it came to food. He liked the things his mother had prepared, mostly Asian dishes, due to her heritage, and of course a good ol’ steak or hamburger now and again. Asari food was something he’d never really tried, so he began the date in a flutter of nerves that wouldn’t go away. 

Oh, who was he kidding? He’d been a flutter of nerves since he’d gotten Kaidan’s response a week ago, asking for the date in the first place was madness, yet here they were. 

He let the hostess, a pale blue asari in a flowing white gown, know who he was and she immediately ushered him to the table where Kaidan was sitting. He had the most beautiful smile on his face, and a bottle of what appeared to be wine sat in a bucket of ice on one side of the table. 

Scott took a moment to appreciate Kaidan’s appearance. He wore a sleek, gray button-down shirt paired with charcoal trousers. His hair was perfectly styled, and when Scott reached the table, and Kaidan stood to peck him on the cheek, he caught a whiff of some expensive-smelling cologne. Suddenly, Scott’s heart was racing and his pants were uncomfortably tight. 

He wasn’t surprised by his reaction, only mildly frustrated. He’d been waiting for Shepard to make another move, but so far he hadn’t. They’d kept in regular contact since their date at Apollo’s several weeks ago, but it had all been friendly with no indications that Shepard wanted more. 

During that time, he’d also taken up regular correspondence with Kaidan, and Scott was finally ready to admit - if only to himself - that he was beginning to fall for the handsome major. It was a bizarre and surreal twist to the saga of his life. 

“Hey,” Kaidan said, all whiskey-smooth and raspy, and Scott’s knees buckled so that he had to quickly take his seat to keep from falling down. 

“Hey,” he said back, feeling his cheeks heat up. Kaidan smiled at him as he poured them each a glass of wine, and Scott couldn’t help but return it as he took his glass. Their fingers brushed, a quiver of anticipation racing up his arm and down his spine to settle in his belly. This wasn’t exactly how he’d imagined things happening at all. Truth be told, he expected this “date” to mostly entail Kaidan telling him to leave John the hell alone. 

They made idle chit-chat as they awaited their food, and slowly, the sensation of waiting for the other shoe to drop began to fade. When the food was placed before him, Scott having no idea what it even was, he took a moment to appreciate the artfully arranged dish that resembled meat, potatoes, and asparagus with a buttery sauce. He inhaled the aromas wafting from the plate and gave an approving nod before taking a bite. 

“Good?” Kaidan asked, seemingly waiting with bated breath to catch Scott’s reaction. 

The food was incredible, the company more so, and Scott let him know it. His statement drew a pleased smile from the older man, and Scott felt himself relax into the comfortable atmosphere of the restaurant, good food, and an enjoyable dinner companion. 

By the time they’d polished off dessert and more than half the bottle of wine, Scott was as relaxed as he could recall being in ages. It was really no wonder then that that was the moment Kaidan chose to broach the uncomfortable topic of what in the actual hell was going on between himself, Kaidan, and Shepard at the moment. 

“How are things going with Shepard?” 

The way Kaidan asked the question was as calm and assured as if he’d been asking for the latest biotiball scores. Scott supposed he shouldn’t have expected the man to be flustered. In all the time he’d known Kaidan - which, granted, wasn’t very long - he’d never seen him get angry or agitated, not even during their grueling physio sessions. Kaidan possessed that rare sort of serenity that came from self-assurance as much as training. That calm, confident poise was sexy as fuck. 

“They’re not,” Scott finally confessed, voice flat. 

Kaidan chuckled in sympathy. “Same here.” 

Scott watched as the man brought his wine glass to his lips for a sip, the way his throat bobbed as he swallowed, the gentle smile that graced his mouth afterward. Fuck, he was in so much damned trouble here. It would figure that he’d manage to fall for  _ two _ amazing, self-confident men who were light years out of his league. 

“I don’t know what he’s waiting for,” Scott said in a quiet voice. “I’ve let him know how I feel. I assume you’ve done the same.” 

Kaidan gave him a sage nod as he toyed with the stem of his glass. “I actually have an idea about that,” he said. His honeyed eyes came up to meet Scott’s and he felt himself falling a little more in...well,  _ in something _ . How the hell was this happening? 

“You do?” he managed to ask.

“Mm.” Kaidan studied him for a few more moments, moments in which Scott wanted to lunge across the table, grab him by the collar, and demand that he spill the damn beans already. “I think he’s waiting on us,” he said at length.

Scott felt his face twist in confusion. “What?” 

“He told me he doesn’t know how to choose,” Kaidan said. “I get the feeling he’s waiting for us to make the choice for him. Knowing Shepard, he’s expecting one or both of us to give up, to get tired of waiting, but I don’t think he’ll be happy that way.” There was another significant pause as the two of them stared at each other. “I don’t think any of us will be happy that way,” he said at last, voice nearly a whisper, and a sliver of his self doubt showed through in that moment. “Will we?” The last two words were a deep rumble, and they sent a shiver of excitement racing through Scott’s body. 

The truth of what Kaidan was saying, the truth of what Scott had been trying to deny for so long, slammed into him with brutal force. “No,” he admitted with a slight shake of his head. “No, we won’t.” 

Kaidan relaxed back into his chair with graceful ease, a peaceful expression on his face, like he had all the answers to this conundrum locked away in that ridiculously gorgeous head of his. If Scott were being perfectly truthful, Kaidan’s words were something straight out of his most secret fantasies. As much as he cared for John - loved John - he’d begun to fantasize about the beautiful major too, against his own better judgment. And more and more those fantasies involved the three of them together. The more time that passed with him and Kaidan getting to know one another better, the more convinced Scott had become that he’d never be satisfied with an either-or, all-or-nothing situation. It was one of the reasons he hadn’t pushed Shepard harder for something more. 

“So…” Kaidan continued, “what do you propose we do about that?”

“I’m not sure,” Scott answered truthfully. The fact of the matter was that fantasies were all well and good, but the reality of attempting whatever it was they were contemplating here would be fraught with complications. 

“Well… I have a proposition then,” Kaidan said with a heart-stopping smile. “You love Shepard; I love Shepard, and he obviously has feelings for both of us.” 

Scott nodded agreement. None of those facts were in dispute. 

“And… what about me? Do you have feelings for me?”

Scott found himself nodding again, acknowledging that simple truth as well. There was no point in lying about it. 

“And I have feelings for you.” Kaidan had leaned forward, elbows on the table. He picked up his glass for another careful sip, never breaking eye contact with Scott. 

That feeling of surreality swooped back in leaving Scott feeling breathless and off-balance. Could this be happening? 

“So, here is my proposal. We go to Shepard. Tell him the truth - that we both want him; that we both want each other. That is the truth, right?” 

“Yes,” Scott said softly. “It’s the truth.”

The slow, wicked grin that Kaidan gave him twisted in Scott’s insides until he wasn’t entirely sure he was still breathing. Kaidan leaned closer, reaching a hand up to brush along Scott’s jaw. “It’s the truth for me, too,” he said soft and husky. “You snuck up on me, Scott,” he admitted. “I thought you were gorgeous from the first moment I laid eyes on you, but I didn’t expect you to be so… genuine.” 

“Is this crazy?” Scott asked in a rush. “This is crazy.” 

“Maybe,” Kaidan admitted. “But can you honestly say you don’t want to give it a shot?” 

Scott took another drink of wine to stall for time. He  _ could _ say he didn’t want to give it a shot, but it  _ would _ be a lie. He had no idea how in hell they could possibly make this arrangement work, but he knew that if he said no to Kaidan right now, he’d regret it for the rest of his life. 

There were so many things still up in the air - the trip to Andromeda, the quarian ark, the outcome of the war - but this was something he could have here and now. The man he loved and the man he was falling for. There was no way in hell he would say no to that. 

They left the restaurant after that, strolling easily through the Kithoi ward toward the transit station. Scott had always heard that fortune favored the bold, so when they came to a spot with semi-private alleyway, he grabbed Kaidan’s hand and yanked him into the shadows. Before the other man could protest, Scott gripped his face and brought their mouths together in a crush of lips, teeth, and tongue. Kaidan didn’t even hesitate to respond, circling Scott’s waist with his arms and dragging him flush with his body. 

A rather undignified whimper escaped Scott’s throat, but Kaidan swallowed it down as they kissed for all they were worth. When they pulled apart seconds later, they were both flushed and panting. “Just wanted to see,” Scott said with a grin. 

He took a step toward the sidewalk, but Kaidan caught him around the waist, pulling him till they were pressed together back to front. Kaidan’s lips landed on his neck, and Scott shuddered. “You didn’t think you’d like kissing me?” Kaidan asked, his voice sending delicious shivers down Scott’s body. 

“Thought it best if we did a trial run,” Scott somehow managed though his heart was racing and his brain was beginning to short circuit. 

“Hm…” Kaidan mused. “Probably a good idea.” The older man’s fingers were dangerously close to his waistband, fingers rubbing circles against his abdomen that weren’t soothing in the least. Scott’s blood pressure was so high, he was likely in danger of a coronary at the moment. 

“Let’s go to Shepard’s apartment,” Kaidan suggested. “Maybe he’s interested in a trial run, too.” 

Scott felt the hard outline of Kaidan’s dick against his ass, and said the only thing that came to mind, “Fuck yes!” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things are starting to pick up steam, eh? Ehhhh? :D Thanks for reading with us!


	14. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: This chapter contains sex between three consenting adults, if that ain't your cup of tea, well, might want to skip this one.

It was official. Shepard was moping. 

His desire to move forward in a relationship with both Kaidan _and_ Scott had prevented him from moving forward in a relationship with _either_ of them. He’d finally confessed his predicament to both men, and both of them had given him a smile, a gentle, “I know,” and moved on like it was no big deal. Was it possible _he_ was the only one making it a big deal?

The need to have this shit sorted - for better or worse - was like a constant itch under his skin at all times. It was driving him nuts, and no matter what he did, who he hung out with, he couldn’t get any relief. 

He’d spent the afternoon watching a biotiball match with Vega and Cortez, only half paying attention. Jack had stopped by afterward to show off her new varren pup, and Shepard had been forced to pay attention or risk having his arm - or another precious appendage - chewed off by the beast. He liked Jack and enjoyed spending time with her - sometimes - but he wasn’t sorry to see her or the varren go. The apartment still smelled a bit funky. 

He lit a few scented candles and dug a pricey bottle of bourbon out from behind the bar, then dragged out a stack of reports he’d been avoiding and settled onto the sofa in front of the fireplace. It was a nice change of pace from sitting alone in his quarters working on reports. Well, it would have been if he’d been able to accomplish anything. 

Several times he caught himself staring aimlessly into the fire while sipping at his tumbler of bourbon until he finally just gave up on the reports altogether and left them scattered across the low coffee table. He had to ask himself what exactly he was so afraid of here. Never one to rest on his laurels, he was disgusted with himself for his lack of initiative when it came to this situation. The only logical conclusion was that fear was holding him back, and that didn’t sit well with him at all. 

The image he presented to the world - cool, collected, and fearless - didn’t always reconcile with the man he knew himself to be. Still, he’d never sat back and been a passive participant in his own damn life before. It was an odd feeling, one he didn’t appreciate at all. 

But he had reached a comfortable impasse. His friendships with both men seemed to be growing by the day even as anything of a romantic nature had begun to stagnate. Maybe he was hoping they’d both tell him they were moving on so that he could be comfortably miserable and alone for the rest of his life. Because he knew that it had to be both or none. He’d never be able to settle for one or the other, and how was that fair to either of them? 

It was thoughts such as these that had kept him from acting on his feelings for either of them, forcing him to relegate himself to steamy dreams and lonely masturbation sessions. Christ, what a fucked up mess. 

The buzzer for the door rang, and he sighed as he hauled himself off the couch to see who it was. He wasn’t expecting company, but he’d told several of the crew - including Kaidan - that they could stop by to see him any time they needed to. He was completely unprepared for who he’d face when he opened the door. 

Kaidan stood there, dressed for a nice evening out, wearing a beautiful smile. Beside him, dressed in a pair of dark jeans and a blue button-up that complimented his eyes, was Scott Ryder, smiling just as broadly. Shepard was so stunned, he wasn’t sure who to greet first. 

After stammering out a welcome, he invited the two men inside, realizing belatedly that the candles, the fireplace, and the soft music he’d been playing set a cozy, romantic atmosphere. 

Kaidan looked at him with a devilish grin. “Were you expecting company, Commander?” 

“Uh… no,” he confessed, looking back and forth between the two men. “Jack came by with her pet varren and it... smelled.” 

Scott laughed and stepped closer to Shepard, leaning in to gently brush their lips together. John’s eyes immediately flicked to Kaidan who stood there watching them with a hungry gaze. Scott’s lips curved into a smile. “We have a proposition for you… Commander.” 

Shepard looked between them again, then gulped. “What…” His voice cracked on the single syllable so he cleared his throat and tried again. “What kind of… proposition?” His dick was already pretty sure it knew what kind of proposition he meant. If that was the case, they were definitely going to have to pinch him.

“The kind that lets you stop running,” Kaidan interjected, stepping close and wrapping his arms around both John’s and Scott’s waists. He, too, brushed a sweet kiss across John’s lips before turning to Scott and completely devouring the younger man’s mouth while Shepard watched.

Shepard stood speechless for half a second before a deep groan rumbled out of his chest. “Oh god,” he whispered, feeling his body respond instantly. 

Kaidan pulled away from Scott, giving him a sweet smile, then turned his attention to Shepard. John lunged for him. His lips sealed to Kaidan’s with blistering heat that he felt from the tips of his ears to the bottoms of his toes. This could not be happening. 

He heard Scott’s soft moan behind him a minute before the man plastered himself to John’s back, gripping his hips and grinding against his ass. John’s head fell back to Scott’s shoulders as desperate sounds worked their way out of his chest, and Kaidan took the opportunity to drop open-mouthed kisses down his throat to his collarbone.

“Wait… wait,” John forced himself to say. “Let’s…”

“We want you,” Scott whispered in his ear, his warm breath raising goosebumps all over John’s skin. “We want this to work. With the three of us.” 

John whimpered and wrapped his arms around Kaidan, burying his face in the man’s neck. It was all too much at once. 

“Come on,” Kaidan said, keeping an arm around Shepard and reaching for Ryder’s hand. “Let’s sit.” 

They situated themselves on the couch with John pressed tightly between them. The only word he could think of to describe the way it made him feel to be hemmed in by both men was “safe.” He rested his head on the back of the couch, willing his libido to simmer down long enough to get this conversation out of the way. Then… if Scott and Kaidan still wanted this, he’d never deny them anything again for the rest of their lives. 

“I didn’t know how to tell you what I wanted,” he admitted, unable to look at either of them. “I was afraid of… well, let’s just say I was afraid.” 

“Of what?” Scott asked, brushing his knuckles lightly along John’s jaw. 

“Of pissing you both off. Of hurting you both,” he said with a sigh. He sat up and scrubbed his hands over his face then rested his elbows on his knees. “I didn’t dare let myself dream of… Lay this out for me. What exactly are we--”

Scott gripped his chin lightly and cut him off with a kiss. “You, me, Kaidan… for now upstairs in your bed. Tomorrow… let’s just take things one day at a time, hm?” 

It was more than he would have ever dared to ask for - which was why he’d been in misery for so long, now. There was no way in hell he’d let this opportunity pass him by. 

John leaned into Scott, taking his mouth in a tender kiss. “Are you sure?”

“Sure we’re tired of waiting for you to man up and make a move?” Scott asked him. “Hell yes!” 

“Fuck you,” John laughed. 

“Hm… with any luck.” 

“God, yes,” he hissed. “Let’s go upstairs.” Shepard stood, offering a hand to both men who seemed just as eager as he was to finally move things forward. It was finally time to stop wishing and wanting; it was time to start taking. 

The trip up the stairs was dicey, none of them able to keep their hands or lips to themselves. Shepard was torn between who to touch, who to kiss, unable to get his fill of either man. And what a problem to have. Now that the door had been opened, he prayed to anyone who would listen that it never be closed again. Many days and nights of suffering in silence coalesced into a steady river of rightness as he reached for first one then the other of the men he couldn’t imagine his life without. 

Shepard was used to being the one in charge, used to telling others what to do, but when Kaidan shoved him onto the bed, John felt tension and loneliness bleed out of him, replaced by a thrumming current of desire. The idea that he could just let go, let Kaidan or Scott - hell, even both of them - take control, guide him for once, made tears sting his eyes. 

He held the tears in check, choosing to focus instead on the feel of Kaidan’s lips against his skin. Kaidan spread out on top of him, taking his time with slow kisses that made him feel drunk. Scott lay beside them, propped on his elbow, fingers skating out to touch both men wherever he could reach. 

John drank it all in, treasuring this moment that felt like all his most absurd fantasies coming true. 

Kaidan’s lips moved down his jaw, toward the juncture of his neck and shoulder, and Scott swooped in, taking his turn at Shepard’s mouth. John was soaring, gripping each man by the bicep to keep him grounded. The burden of deciding who to kiss or touch lifted, he was able to simply bask in every minute sensation as it assaulted his senses.

_ This. _ This right here was what he’d yearned for so damn long. 

Velvet lips and gentle kisses distracted him enough that he didn’t realize Kaidan had shifted to his side, or that they’d gotten his jeans undone, until a large fist encircled his cock, another cupping his balls, squeezing lightly. 

“Fuck…  _ fuck _ .” His growl dissolved into a pathetic whimper. “Please,” he begged, hoping that his men knew what he was asking for, as unlikely as that seemed. Hell, he didn’t even know, himself. 

At once, both men lifted their heads, Kaidan’s and Scott’s mouths meeting each other’s. Shepard craned his neck to watch the two of them together. It was the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen. A rift of emotion cracked his chest wide open till all he could do was want and take with no thought to giving anything back. 

He feathered his fingers through both men’s hair, drinking in the sight before him. Of one accord, his men broke their kiss and pushed Shepard’s t-shirt up, exposing his torso. Kaidan and Scott each took a nipple, their hands returning to John’s dick to fondle and caress as their tongues and lips did the same for his chest. John groaned, his nerves alight and aware of every touch, every brush of a tongue or stroke of fingers. 

Working in sync, each man moved down his chest and stomach with burning kisses and delicate nips and licks. John thought he just might die before they gave him any relief at all. Kaidan’s fingers were inhumanely ghosting up and down his cock with no pressure whatsoever, enough to keep him desperate and pleading. Scott was cradling and rolling his balls in the palm of his hand. The urge to command them to get on with it rose up stark and strong, but both men reached the base of his cock in the same instant, pressing more of those delectable kisses all around the root, nuzzling against the course hair between his legs. All thought raced right out of his brain as he sank into the mattress and let them have their way with him. 

Kaidan stopped long enough to shove a pillow under his head so he could relax and watch the show. John wasn’t sure he’d be able to last more than two seconds if he was both watching and feeling, but he didn’t want to miss a moment of this. He wouldn’t dwell on the what-ifs of the situation - what if this was a one-time thing, what if Kaidan and Scott ended up hating him, what if the two of them decided they were better off without him - and just let himself feel. 

When Kaidan returned to his ministrations, he and Scott both licked a long stripe up the side of Shepard’s dick from root to crown. John’s hips shot off the bed like he’d been electrocuted, a loud curse escaping his lips. Both his men chuckled, then held him down with a hand on either hipbone.

Their tongues tangled around his cockhead, lips meeting in the most exotic kiss Shepard had ever dreamed of. “Oh god, oh  _ Jesus _ ,” he moaned.

Scott’s mouth sealed over the head as Kaidan shifted his attention to John’s balls. The play of Scott’s tongue against his tip was exquisite, the pressure of Kaidan’s lips against his balls, divine. When a wet finger pressed against his hole, Shepard shot his load right down Scott’s throat without warning, too overcome to even be embarrassed. The delighted groan he got from Scott told him he need not be ashamed anyway. 

Both men returned to his mouth, taking turns kissing him gently until he was nothing but a puddle in the center of the bed. They then turned their attentions to each other. Scott climbing over Shepard’s sated, motionless body to rest on top of Kaidan. Shepard barely had the energy to turn his head to watch as the two men kissed and rocked against one another. 

When they began to peel each other’s clothes, John realized that he was still half-dressed, his shirt rucked up into his armpits, his jeans rolled down to his knees. He painstakingly stripped the rest of the way, hardly able to hold himself up. 

That orgasm had rocked him to his core. 

“Fuck,” he whispered as Scott’s and Kaidan’s movements grew more desperate. 

Scott shimmied down Kaidan’s body, gripping his dick before sucking it into his mouth for a few moments while Shepard watched in awe. Kaidan’s fingers threaded through his, and Scott pulled off long enough to glance up at Shepard. 

“Lube?” the younger man asked.

Kaidan’s chest was heaving, his hand holding John’s in a white-knuckle grip. John couldn’t even think, and it wasn’t until Scott laughed and ran the tip of his tongue around the head of Kaidan’s cock, eyes locked with John’s, that Shepard realized he not only wanted to be an active participant in this encounter, he wanted it fucking bad. 

“Yeah,” he croaked, rolling over to retrieve the small bottle from his nightstand. 

Scott winked as John passed it to him, and Shepard finally felt a bit more grounded, enough to get in on the action. He leaned forward to kiss Scott as the younger man’s hand passed up and down Kaidan’s dick, then pulled away to lock his lips to Kaidan’s as Scott got back to work. When Scott’s finger breached Kaidan’s hole, Shepard felt Kaidan’s rumbling groan in the back of his throat. 

“So fucking sexy,” he mumbled. 

Kaidan still held his hand in a death grip, and he brought his free hand to Shepard’s neck, not letting him ease off of the kiss. Kaidan squirmed, writhed, and cursed as Scott worked to prepare him, and John’s dick slowly came back to life. John hissed when a cold, lubed hand gripped him, and he glanced down to see that Scott seemed satisfied with his prep work and was moving up onto his knees. 

“Come here,” Scott said to Shepard, giving his cock a stiff tug. 

John laughed as he moved toward Scott. “It’s not a handle.”

“More like a lever, I’d say,” Scott told him. “I pulled it and you moved where I wanted you to go.”

Shepard and Kaidan both snorted at that. “You’re so weird,” he said kissing the younger man gently. 

“Fuck him, John,” Scott whispered against his lips. “I got him ready for you.” 

Shepard groaned, plunging his tongue deep into Scott’s mouth for a few tantalizing seconds before breaking away to position himself between Kaidan’s legs. The older man gazed up at him with cloudy, lust-drunk eyes and a slow smile on his lips. Shepard was sure he’d never seen anything more gorgeous. 

“Ready?” he whispered as he lined himself up. 

“Been waiting for this for a lifetime,” Kaidan assured him, and the dam of John’s emotions finally burst. Tears trickled from his eyes as he breached Kaidan’s entrance, moving slowly, taking his cues from the man beneath him until he was fully seated. He brought their lips together, gently exploring as he thrust shallowly. He’d been waiting a lifetime for this, too. 

Behind him, Scott’s hands were kneading his ass, the backs of his thighs, running firmly up his back. The youngest man leaned over to kiss and nip at John’s shoulder and ear, and Shepard stopped long enough to lock eyes with Scott. “Fuck me, too.” 

Scott groaned and mumbled something under his breath as he reached for the lube. “You two are gonna be the death of me,” he muttered, then squeezed a generous dollop of lube on his fingers and pressed them against Shepard’s hole. 

John stilled completely, letting Scott prepare him and praying to god he didn’t come before Scott was ready. He wanted this. All of this. All the time. Now that he’d had this taste, he could never let them go, either of them. 

Once Scott was firmly pressed into him, he leaned down to whisper into John’s ear - words of love and hope and a future. Shepard had never felt more complete in his life. He’d never had a family. Never had anyone made him feel the way he felt in that moment. Love and contentment burned through his veins as the three of them moved of one accord, giving and taking in the most beautiful joining imaginable. 

Whispered  _ I love yous _ passed between them, and John felt emotions like a tangible thing - Affection, Home, Peace, Safety. They each washed over him until he came in a tidal wave of bliss that threatened to steal his consciousness. He heard the cries of his lovers as they each found their release. Then there was nothing left but sated silence interrupted by heavy breathing. 

John was a sweaty, spent mess, but for maybe the first time in his life, he was truly happy. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading, I hope you enjoyed this one as much as we did, ehheheheheh.


	15. Chapter 14

Shore leave was short-lived. 

The three men spent as much time as they could together in the Citadel apartment before duty called them to go their separate ways. Scott went back to the quarian ark; John and Kaidan went back to the  _ Normandy _ . Having Kaidan there helped, but John missed the youngest member of their trio. Vid calls helped, and damn if most of them didn’t turn downright pornographic, but a video was no substitute for the real thing. 

Still, the three of them talked and messaged daily, and having Kaidan in his arms every night went a long way toward taking his mind off it. 

Most days it felt surreal. His entire life could be summed up in two words: duty and loneliness. To have not just one, but _ two _ , someones he could count on to support and encourage him, or even just to send him a joke to cheer him up… Well, it was more than he’d ever been willing to ask for. 

Scott still teased him for not speaking up about what he wanted in his relationships with both men, but Kaidan seemed to understand what Shepard had been struggling with. Kaidan understood the burdens of command better than Scott. The younger man had yet to be faced with similar challenges. But Shepard didn’t think either of them truly grasped what a novel concept love and acceptance was for him. 

Scott’s relationship with his father was rocky at best, but he’d had a mother and twin sister who loved him growing up. Kaidan’s childhood was fraught with difficulties, but his parents had always been there for him. Shepard had been alone from his earliest memories. Left to survive on luck and skill alone in a cruel and unwelcoming environment. Only clinging to people as a means of gaining some advantage or protection. Finding small comfort in the arms of strangers when he was older. That had been Shepard’s reality up until now. 

The entire galaxy had looked up to a man who was little more than an empty shell, though they didn’t know it. Shepard was good at hiding his insecurities from the world, but Kaidan and Scott saw those too and loved him anyway. 

There was always a pang of sadness when he thought about the fact that he’d waited until it was almost too late to find this sense of completion, but he forced himself to enjoy the time he had while he had it. They all knew the score. It was pointless to dwell on the downside. None of them were taking this thing between them for granted. 

_ KAlenko: I miss him. _

_ JShepard: Me too. _

He smiled wistfully at his omnitool. He’d feared jealousy and a thousand other negative reactions, but Kaidan and Scott had latched onto each other quickly. They’d developed something between them that Shepard felt convinced would last should the worst come to pass and he wasn’t there to continue what they’d started when all was said and done. He hoped for a different outcome, but he’d never put much stock in wishes and dreams. Reality could be a bitch sometimes. 

_ KAlenko: When is the next shore leave? _

John shook his head and chuckled. 

_ JShepard: It’s only been 2 weeks _

_ KAlenko: :( _

Shepard found Kaidan’s response both hilarious and ridiculous. Scott was rubbing off on him. 

His omnitool pinged again, and he checked it, expecting another message from Kaidan. A series of dots and dashes appeared from Scott’s comm badge, and Shepard’s heart sank. Quickly, he barked into the shipwide comm system, “Ground team and Cortez, assemble in the war room in ten minutes. Major Alenko, captain’s quarters. Now!”

All around him, the CIC crew sprang to alert, awaiting orders they knew would be forthcoming very shortly. Traynor gave him a questioning glance, but Shepard dismissed her, for now, with the shake of his head. “EDI,” he said, once he was safely ensconced in the elevator, “figure out the quickest route from Cyone to the Far Rim and send it to my omnitool. I’ve just received a distress call from the quarian ark.”

His mind raced as he calculated possible outcomes. Scott’s SOS had simply stated that the ship was under attack - again. If they didn’t get that damned ark on its way soon, it may not survive long enough to get them to Andromeda. There were still thousands of people in cryostasis on that ship while the repair crews worked night and day to correct whatever the hell was going wrong. To Shepard it sounded like the ship was being sabotaged from within, but so far they’d found nothing concrete to point them toward a suspect. 

Another thought hit him as he stepped off the elevator. Once the work on the ark was completed, Scott would have to make a choice between staying behind to whatever was left of this galaxy or going with the quarians to join his dad and sister. The very idea of Scott leaving stole the breath from his lungs and he had to take a moment to lean against the wall and will himself to focus on the situation at hand. 

They couldn’t ask Scott to stay. It wouldn’t be fair. But the thought of living without him… 

The elevator door hissed open and Kaidan was at his side, arms wrapping tightly around him. “What’s wrong?” 

Shepard shook his head to clear it, gave Kaidan a tight squeeze, then straightened. “The quarian ark is under attack again,” he said. “Scott sent a message via Morse code. The fact that he couldn’t send something via comms seems bad.”

“Shit,” Kaidan breathed, running a hand through his perfect hair. Shepard grinned despite the situation. 

“I’m thinking I can send Vega, Javik, Tali, and Liara to the fuel depot on Cyone. We can drop the shuttle in system and Cortez can jump them back to the Citadel when the job is done. You, me, and Garrus will take the Normandy to give Scott some backup.” 

“Let’s bring Javik with us, too. Vega and the others can handle the fuel depot. No telling what we’ll run into when we get to the ark.” 

Shepard nodded. He didn’t want to trust this solely to his own judgment. He could admit, if only to Kaidan, that it was clouded by his attachment to Scott. He reached for Kaidan, cupping his face between his palms before planting a gentle kiss on his lips. “We’ll make it in time. He’s gonna be alright.” 

Kaidan nodded stiffly then wrapped his arms around Shepard’s waist. They didn’t have time to linger, but Shepard knew that he not only needed to confer with Kaidan about the final plan but also needed this moment of calm before the storm. With one last kiss, Shepard locked eyes with one half of his soul, drawing strength from a refreshingly new source, then with a swift nod of his head, the two of them set to work. 

  
  


***

The quarian ark was under attack by pirates. People, desperate to escape the Reapers, had stumbled upon information about the Andromeda Initiative after raiding one of the Initiative’s abandoned bases. It seemed thoroughly idiotic of them to leave such information behind, though Shepard supposed it could have been so the residents of the Milky Way could have it for posterity. 

The whole Initiative had been rather hush-hush. It was shocking, really, that they’d pulled off something of this magnitude without tipping the authorities. Developing AI and the ODSY drive system would have thrown up red flags to every governmental organization in the galaxy. And as had already been proven by Cerberus, if anyone knew about the drive core that could convert the ship's static energy and hydrogen from nearby planets into energy sources, they’d do whatever it took to get their hands on it. 

This time, the ark had gotten lucky. The pirates attacking were merely searching for a means of escape by taking what didn’t belong to them. If they’d had any clue what they’d almost gotten their hands on, Shepard was convinced the outcome would have been much worse. 

Upon entering the Far Rim system, EDI was able to analyze the situation. Using Normandy’s cannons, Garrus disabled some of the larger ships attacking the ark, causing many of the smaller ones to retreat. Once Joker dropped them in the closest docking bay, it was just a matter of fighting their way to Scott’s location. 

The man had set his distress call to ping Shepard’s omnitool every five minutes so that they could track him down. Shepard was reminded of the first time he’d had to hunt Scott down and save him on this ship, and he shuddered at the memory of what had happened afterward. This time it wasn’t going to be like that. 

He and Kaidan were there together. The three of them had cleared the air, had cemented a unique relationship that would not be easily broken. This time there was no worry or jealousy to overcome. 

The pirates were no match for Shepard and his team. Like most of the disorganized riffraff they encountered in hidden bases around the galaxy, this bunch were little more than scared and desperate. Shepard felt a bit sorry for them.

He was also really, fucking pissed. 

While he hated the thought of abandoning the Milky Way to the fate of the Reapers, the Initiative could have provided a viable alternative to losing billions of souls to the mercy of the sentient machines. He almost couldn’t blame the pirates for their actions. And though they ended the siege quickly, the invaders had managed to cause untold amounts of damage to the already struggling ark. 

Shepard wasn’t sure if he was disappointed for Scott’s sake or relieved for his own. 

The team converged on Scott’s location and dealt with the squad of pirates that had them pinned down. Once the coast was clear, Shepard stalked over to the younger man and seared his lips with a bruising kiss. Kaidan was there for his turn an instant later, then the older man’s medic training kicked in and he was checking Scott for injury and fussing over him like a mother hen. 

“I’m fine, K,” Scott assured him with a chuckle. “Just so damned glad to see you both. Come on. Let’s report to  Captain Revan'Nah and find out what the damage is.” 

Shepard suggested that the Normandy stay docked with the ark so that EDI could lend her processing power to the ark’s AI, SAM, in order to find out why it was taking so long to make the necessary repairs. In doing so, he’d managed to buy them at least one night with Scott.

The plan might backfire. If EDI was able to make the necessary corrections and help ferret out the saboteur, then the ark would leave before the war was won.

Stopping the Reapers had become his responsibility. He had to see this through - no matter the cost. Just because the politicians had ignored his warnings didn’t mean that the people of the Milky Way should have to suffer. 

And the people aboard the ark deserved a fighting chance to make the trip they’d signed up for. If he and his team could hold the Reapers off long enough for them to make the repairs and jump out of the galaxy, then Shepard could rest easy, feeling that he’d done his part.

He just wouldn’t think about the repercussions of the other half of his soul being aboard that ship when it did leave. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the late evening post, today got away from us! Hope you like it!


	16. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Elle here! I am a loser for not being around lately. Just dealing with some personal crap and illness. Thank god for Estalfaed for taking up my slack. I promise - ONE DAY - I will respond to all the comments. I'm really overwhelmed with how much love and attention this story has gotten. Y'all are the best!! Much love!!

Scott whistled long and low as he stepped into the captain’s quarters aboard the Normandy, making a beeline for the bed. “Damn. This place is swanky,” he said as he bounced onto the center of it, tucked his hands behind his head, and stared through the window in the ceiling. “Amazing,” he whispered. 

“It wasn’t designed to be a military ship,” Shepard told him as Kaidan crawled up the bed to seal his mouth over Scott’s. Scott grinned to himself as Shepard’s justifications for the ship’s appointments fell away. He didn’t really want to talk ship specs at the moment. 

What he wanted was to concentrate on the feel of his lover in his arms for the first time in weeks. It felt like an eternity. Scott was already dreading when the Normandy would leave again. 

His days aboard the ark were tedious. The nights - desperately lonely. He wasn’t jealous that Kaidan got to spend more time with John, but there was a kernel of doubt that worried him - like a pebble in his boot. What if they decided they were better off without him? What if they were just having a bit of fun with him for now and planned to cast him aside when they’d had their fill? 

“Hey…”

Scott looked up into amber eyes so full of love and concern that his heart skipped a beat. 

“What’s wrong?” Kaidan’s tender voice soothed him as much as the fingers combing gently through his hair. 

The bed dipped and Scott looked over to see John sitting next to him, the concern in his face a mirror of Kaidan’s. “Scott? Are you okay?” 

Leave it to the first two human Spectres to see right through him. Their eye for detail was what made them such great soldiers and, at times, diplomats. What he’d never expected, though, was how caring the pair of them could be. It often seemed as though the three of them had some sort of telepathic connection. 

At work, he’d be feeling lonely or overwhelmed, and he’d receive a message from either John or Kaidan. It could be anything: a funny cat vid, an anecdote about the crew or their past, or something as simple as, “I miss you.” Constant reminders that he was in their thoughts and in their hearts. He hated when his brain decided to do this to him - push him into the cycle of overthinking so that he couldn’t enjoy the moment. 

Particularly, what had been building up to be a pretty damn incredible moment. 

“Nothing,” he muttered, pulling Kaidan back toward his lips, but this kiss was chaste as Kaidan withdrew, shifting off to the side so John could get closer. Both men propped themselves up on their elbows; both draped an arm over Scott’s belly. 

“Come on,” John said softly. “What could be going on that you couldn’t tell us?” 

“It’s not that I’m holding anything back,” Scott sighed. “It’s just that I’m embarrassed to tell you. Sometimes… Sometimes, I just can’t help wondering how long this is going to last.” 

Getting those words out caused physical pain, and if the looks on John’s and Kaidan’s faces were any indication, they hurt just as much to hear. Instantly, Scott wished he could take them back. This was likely to be the only night they had together in god knew how long. He didn’t want to spend it on second-guessing or what ifs. 

“Are you unhappy?” Kaidan asked, quiet and deliberate as though he dreaded the answer. 

“No! Not at all. It’s just… you two have the history. You’re together all the time, what if-”

John pressed a finger to Scott’s lips to cut him off. “No. Don’t even think like that. Kaidan and I were nothing more than friends before, and speaking for myself, I don’t want this to change. Ever. I… I’ve never had anything make me as happy as you two.” 

“Me either,” Scott whispered. 

“Me either,” Kaidan assured them, taking Scott’s face gently between his palms. “So no more wondering, alright? This… this thing between us was unexpected,” he placed one hand on John’s cheek and drew him close for a barely-there kiss, “but so worth it.” Scott received another sweet kiss. “So worth it.” 

The three of them were soon lost, trading kisses and caresses. “I want to watch,” John whispered into Scott’s ear as he nipped at the soft shell of flesh. A deep groan resonated from Scott’s chest.

“Jesus,” he whimpered. John smiled down at him, then brought their mouths together. The taste of John on his tongue, the combined scent of both his lovers - body heat, sex, and the tang of soap - swept through Scott. “I’m gonna come just like this,” he complained. 

He heard both men chuckle, then John saying, “Not yet, baby.” John whispered something to Kaidan, who glanced at Scott with a fire burning in his whiskey-brown eyes. John kissed them both softly then slipped off the bed and into a chair that had, at some point, been pulled closer. Scott had no clue how it had gotten there, but it was hard to care with Kaidan’s lips mapping his throat and his fingers skating beneath Scott’s shirt. 

The rustle of fabric caught his attention, and he turned in time to see Shepard settling into the chair. His shirt was gone, his trousers undone, and the head of his hardened dick peeked out the top of his boxer briefs. The look on his face was predatory, but his fingers curled around the arms of the chair as if that was the only thing stopping him from launching himself at them and getting back in on the action. Scott threw his head back and moaned. 

“You like that?” Kaidan murmured. “Like the idea of him watching us?”

“So fucking sexy,” he breathed. 

“Mm…” Kaidan bit his ear lobe, then traced it with the tip of his tongue. “I can’t wait to be inside you.” 

“Kaidan please, Jesus, fuck. Just… just…” 

Shepard laughed breathily, almost strained. “Better give him what he wants, K.” 

Kaidan’s bodyweight disappeared, and Scott was being yanked into a sitting position, his shirt pulled roughly over his head. His mind swam in a lust-addled haze. Strong hands tugged at his trousers, the cool air of the room rushing in when they disappeared. It wasn’t enough to relieve the fire raging through his veins. “Need you, K.” 

He’d missed this. He’d missed  _ them _ . He’d missed how either man could turn him to absolute putty with a whispered word or a simple touch. Scott had never been one who felt the need to prove his masculinity through physical domination. And while he wouldn’t ever classify himself as a submissive, he enjoyed being at his lovers’ mercy now and again. Particularly when his lovers’ mercy felt so damn divine. 

Hot, wet lips lit fires down his chest and belly, and he threaded his fingers into Kaidan’s hair to ground himself. It was more than just sex - though just sex could be phenomenal. Scott couldn’t explain the connection that he felt to both men. 

With Shepard it had been instantaneous. The first time John had kissed him, Scott had been a goner. The fire and passion had been there from the moment they’d laid eyes on each other, and when Scott had left Shepard’s hotel room that morning, he’d known his life would never be the same. John was the star, burning splendidly in Scott’s life, sparking a fire and desire for more and more and more. 

The love and trust between him and Kaidan had taken more time to build, but there was something indescribably sweet about how tender the eldest member of their trio could be, how giving. For his subtlety, Kaidan was no less brilliant than John. But his quiet nature tended to take a backseat to Shepard’s brash personality. Kaidan was the glowing ember, the counterpoint to the chaos of both Scott and John. He was the solid rock, the foundation that both Ryder and Shepard could depend on. 

Scott loved them both so fiercely his heart ached. 

Wet heat enveloped his dick and he let out a startled cry before relaxing into the heavenly sensations. He vaguely registered the snap of the lube bottle before cold, slick fingers were pressing against him. 

It was perfect. 

John and Kaidan had each learned quickly exactly what he liked. Maybe it was experience or that innate eye for detail, or maybe it really was the connection between them. The idea seemed hokey, but the reality was that there was just no other explanation for how in tune they were with one another. 

Scott glanced toward the side of the bed where John sat watching them with hooded eyes. He’d freed his erection from his trousers and it glistened in the low light from lube and pre-come. John’s hand moved up and down his dick slowly, in time with the measured bobs of Kaidan’s head over Scott’s cock. So damned erotic. 

“You’re so beautiful,” John murmured. “Both of you… love seeing you like this… watching you. So goddamn sexy.” 

At John’s words, Kaidan moaned around Scott’s dick, simultaneously sliding one finger deep inside him and grazing over his prostate so that lightning sparked through his veins. His body lit up with dark energy as he cried out and spilled into Kaidan’s mouth. Kaidan pressed hard against the nerve bundle inside him, intensifying and drawing out his pleasure until his body became liquid. 

He tasted the bitter tang of his own release as Kaidan’s tongue invaded his mouth, then heard himself moan. He would never, ever get enough of this. 

“Inside,” he begged. “Inside me now.” 

Despite his pleading, Kaidan took a few more moments to ensure that Scott was properly stretched open before easing himself carefully inside. Scott wrapped his arms and legs around Kaidan and clung to him desperately as Kaidan began with a few shallow thrusts then slowly built to a steady pace. Kaidan whispered filthy promises into his ear as they both locked their sights on John who was picking up the pace of his strokes. 

With his free hand, Shepard rolled and tugged at his balls, and Scott could tell by his shallow breaths and lust-crazed eyes that he was close. Wanting more than anything for John to be with them when he came, Scott reached a hand toward him. Shepard rose easily from the chair and knelt on the bed beside his lovers. With one hand he gripped Scott’s tightly while the other continued stroking his cock at an increasingly frenetic pace. 

Kaidan growled into Scott’s ear just as his body began to shudder and Scott felt the spasming of his dick deep inside him. John followed closely behind him, splashing come over both Kaidan and Scott as a long, low groan rumbled out of his chest. 

John lay down beside them, wrapping them in his arms as best he could and Scott basked in the feeling of having both his lovers so close. He realized in that moment that he could never live without this. Without  _ them _ . His family would have to understand. He would finish helping with the repairs to the quarian ark, but when it left for Andromeda, he would not be aboard it. He’d be here, with his men, where he belonged.


	17. Chapter 16

Water slid off Shepard’s shoulders and pattered to the floor as he stood in the shower. It was the one place he seemed able to escape everything. The night he’d met Scott, he remembered feeling as though a noose was tightening around his neck. It was nothing compared to the burden he felt now. Now, the noose was weighted, dragging him down into an ever-growing abyss. 

The Reapers. Cerberus. Scott’s imminent departure to the Andromeda galaxy. The steadily and rapidly rising death toll reports he felt compelled to sift through every single day. 

The Milky Way was careening inexorably toward utter destruction, and there wasn’t a god damned thing Shepard could do about it. In the shower, there was just hot, soothing water and a chance for him to ignore the realities of life for a while. He made a point to leave his worries at the door for these few, brief moments of respite every morning. It was better than nothing. 

The faint smell of Kaidan’s cologne and shampoo enveloped him at the same moment a strong pair of arms wrapped around his waist from the back, soft lips pressing against his shoulder blade. 

“Ever thought about doing something else?” Kaidan asked, stubble tickling against Shepard’s skin as he spoke. 

“When I was a kid I wanted to be a cowboy,” Shepard said with utter sincerity. 

Kaidan barked a loud laugh before he remembered to muffle it in order not to disturb Scott. “A cowboy?” 

“What? You don’t think I’d look good in boots and spurs?” 

“I can picture you in chaps,” he responded after a moment. “I guess I’m more surprised that a city boy would want to be a cowboy.” 

Shepard chuckled and grabbed his soap to begin lathering up his skin. “I read a book when I was a kid. It sounded so exciting - cattle rustling, sleeping under the stars, eating food cooked over a fire.”

“I can see how that would appeal to a young boy,” Kaidan agreed, taking the soap bar from Shepard’s hand and working it across the hard planes of his back. 

John groaned as Kaidan worked his fingers into the taut muscles of his upper back and neck. “Feels good.” 

Kaidan hummed in agreement. “So instead of becoming a cowboy, you joined the Alliance?” 

Shepard laughed again. “I don’t think I was ever in any danger of becoming a cowboy. It was a foolish, childhood fantasy. Instead of becoming a junkie or a dealer, I joined the Alliance. It seemed like a better life.”

Kaidan hummed again. “Definitely.”  
  
  


“What about you?” Shepard turned around and pulled Kaidan closer, their bellies rubbing together. “What did little Kaidan dream about being when he was a boy?” 

“A zookeeper.” 

Shepard smiled at him. “I could see it. Taming lions and everything?” 

“Nah, just wanted to play with animals all day,” Kaidan grinned. “Which I guess is a decent description of what I do.” 

“Touche.” Shepard reached for Kaidan’s shampoo and poured a dollop into his palm before working it through his lover’s hair. “What brought on this line of questioning?”

“Scott’s thinking about staying with us.”  
  
Shepard furrowed his brow at the sudden change of course. “What does…?” Realization washed over him, and Shepard’s heart sank to his toes. His hands stilled in Kaidan’s hair, eventually dropping to his sides. “You’re thinking of going with him.” 

“I’m thinking of _us_ going with him,” Kaidan corrected as he stepped into the stream of water to rinse the shampoo away. “A new beginning would be nice.” 

Not wanting to get his hopes up, Shepard stepped out of the shower and concentrated on drying off. “What about your parents?” 

“I don’t know. I guess… Well, I’ve been thinking about this for a while now, honestly. It sounds harsh, but… they won’t be around forever. If Scott leaves, we’ll never see him again. I think my family would understand how difficult it would be for me to live with my heart in two different galaxies.”

Shepard remained silent. He wasn’t sure how to respond. He honestly hadn’t allowed himself to contemplate any of this. Not with any seriousness. Kaidan was right. If Scott left they’d never see him again. If Shepard went with him, he’d never see Kaidan again. When confronted with either possibility, Shepard couldn’t breathe. It wasn’t fair to ask Scott to stay, just as it was equally unfair to ask Kaidan to leave. And ultimately, it was hard for Shepard to see a future that allowed him to survive this war. The only realistic solution he’d been able to come up with was to send Kaidan with Scott, but he knew that would go over about as well as a lead balloon. 

Kaidan wasn’t likely to turn his back on his duty to the Alliance and the Council, and Shepard couldn’t see him leaving his parents behind in the Milky Way - particularly since his dad had already been declared MIA. 

“Hey. You there?” Kaidan was out of the shower with a towel already wrapped around his waist. Shepard had been standing in front of the mirror, blind to his own reflection, for god-knew how long. 

Shepard sighed. “I’m here.” He wasn’t sure what else to say at the moment.  
  
Kaidan nodded and kissed his shoulder before exiting the bathroom. The door hissed open to reveal a zombified Scott standing there stark naked and rubbing one eye with a fist, hair flying in all directions. He really was too fucking adorable. 

“Morning,” Shepard murmured with a grin before pressing a kiss to Scott’s lips. 

Scott mumbled something in return that sounded vaguely like, “Morning,” as he staggered toward the toilet to take a piss. “Wish we’d showered before we fell asleep last night.” 

Shepard snorted. “Yeah, that would have been nice, huh.” He waited for Scott to finish up and wash his hands. “Still,” he pulled the younger man closer, “it was nice to wake up with you today. Even if we were glued together.” 

“So nice you left me alone in bed?” Scott’s eyebrow quirked in accusation. 

“Sorry about that. Old habits and all.” Shepard stared into the man’s bright blue eyes. Kaidan’s idea had merit. If the three of them were to be together when all was said and done, it might be nice to be far away from the heartache and expectations of the Milky Way. Of one thing he was certain, and that was that he never wanted to go back to a life without Scott and Kaidan in it. If they couldn’t figure out some way to stay together, then he prayed the war would take his life. 

“You okay?” 

Shepard pulled the younger man close and kissed him deeply. “I’m perfect.” 

He was in the process of taking things further, slowly moving Scott back to the bed, with Kaidan at his heels when EDI chimed in over the comms. 

"Commander, sorry to interrupt, but a priority message from Admiral Hackett is on the line.”

Kaidan blew out a weary sigh, and his heat on Shepard’s back vanished. With an annoyed huff he pulled off Scott and did his best to will his throbbing erection down. Scott looked thoroughly disappointed, and Shepard couldn’t blame him in the slightest.

“No rest,” he muttered, before quickly throwing a shirt on over his chest, and stalking over to his personal terminal. “Patch him through, EDI.”

While he listened to Hackett, deep in the back of his mind, a thought turned over and over again. Kaidan’s voice asking, _“Ever thought of doing something else?” _Was that something he could do? When the war was done, could he lay down the mantle of Commander? What would he become? Who would he be? He didn’t know. But he knew he damn well wanted to find out. Not just for him.

For all of them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit of a short one, hope you like it regardless!!


	18. Chapter 17

Kaidan walked the quiet halls of the quarian ark. The ship would take so many hopeful people to a new life in a new galaxy. Suddenly, it became very important to him that he and Shepard be aboard this ship with Scott when it left for Andromeda. 

He wasn’t sure how they’d pull it off. The ark needed to leave sooner rather than later, but they weren’t finished with the Reapers yet. He knew that neither of them, in good conscience, could leave the Milky Way until their task was completed. He was also acutely aware that every day they tarried was a greater potential for one or both of them to be killed or for the ark to be discovered by the Reapers and destroyed. 

The galaxy sure had marvelous timing. 

While he’d always considered himself somewhat of a romantic, he’d never let love, or lust for that matter, rule his life. But what he’d found with Scott and John was something he’d never dreamed that he’d ever want much less have. He finally understood what his mom meant when she’d told him as a teen that he’d know it was right when he found it. He couldn’t bear to think of letting it go. 

The thought both thrilled and terrified him. Life was precarious under the best of circumstances. This war… It was unlike anything seen before. Kaidan was ready to be done with it for more reasons than one.   
  
“Major,” EDI’s voice chimed through his earpiece. “The ark’s SAM would like to speak with you.” 

SAM was a glorified version of EDI, though Kaidan would never tell her so to her… er, face. Meant to be implanted into the Pathfinder’s brain, SAM was capable of modifying the host’s biology in an effort to make human soldiers stronger and more efficient. Kaidan wasn’t sure how he felt about the AI’s capabilities, but it had proven useful more than once as they’d tried to get a bead on what was going wrong with the ark. 

Despite the fact that EDI now wore the body of the mech who’d tried to kill him, she had also grown on Kaidan. He found her dry wit quite funny, and her help and advice had saved the crew from disaster more than once. “Patch it through, EDI,” he said, continuing his trek down the quiet corridor. 

“Major Alenko, I have discovered some discrepancies in Captain Nah's records.” 

“What kind of discrepancies, SAM?” 

“It seems the captain has been purging datafiles marked as priority. A clear violation of the Andromeda Initiative’s protocols.” 

Kaidan stopped and looked both ways down the hallway. No one was coming, but he turned to make his way back toward the Normandy’s docking bay. “Do you have any idea what was in those files?” 

“There seem to be a few copies that the captain was unaware of,” SAM replied. 

“Send those to me.” 

“Sir-”

EDI interrupted him, “Major Alenko is a Council Spectre. His authority supersedes that of the Andromeda Initiative.”

Kaidan grinned. Private corporations were not required by law to cooperate with Spectres, but perhaps SAM didn’t know that. 

“Very well,” the AI agreed, and Kaidan’s omnitool immediately rang out with notifications of the transferred files.

He hurried back to the Normandy and found Shepard in his cabin poring over a datapad, which was by no means unusual these days. For just a moment, he imagined what life would be like if they weren’t soldiers anymore, if the war was over, and they’d made a new home in Andromeda. What would Shepard do in his downtime then? Downtime was little more than a joke these days, but… what if? What if one day they could have a calm, peaceful future?

Shepard looked up and caught him staring. “See something you like, Major?” 

Kaidan chuffed a laugh and crossed the room to kiss Shepard sweetly on the lips. “Absolutely.” Shepard deepened the kiss before Kaidan could pull away, and tempting as it was to take things further, he sensed that there was something vital in those files. “Much as I’d like to keep going,” he murmured, barely pulling away from the kiss, “I have something I need to discuss with you.” 

With a chuckle, Shepard sat back in his chair. “Can’t blame a guy for trying, right?” 

Kaidan offered him a warm smile. “Maybe later,” he said with a wink. “SAM just sent me some files that Captain Nah tried to purge from the ship’s system. I think it might be something we need to check out. He quickly shared a copy of the files with John. 

“Think we need to inform Scott?” 

“Let’s see what’s here first. He’s working on some repairs in the engine room. I hate to disturb him for nothing.” 

Shepard nodded then moved to the couch in the lower section of the room, Kaidan following behind him. It took mere moments for them to find the information they were searching for. “I’ll be damned,” Shepard said, shaking his head in disbelief. “How the hell did they get to the captain?” 

Kaidan could hardly believe what he was seeing either. Captain Revan’Nah was purging files directly related to the drive core that the Ark was so reliant on. Just a few files here and there, not enough to bring attention to the fact that they were missing and purged from the database. In fact, if it had continued, the errors in the system would have been believed to be fixed. Absolutely nothing wrong until everything fell apart at once.

“Holy shit,” he whispered. “Are you seeing this John?” Shepard stared at his datapad, mute, shock written all over his face. “If these errors continue, we’re looking at widespread system failure, enough that the damage would be catastrophic.”

Shepard shook his head. “I’m not a trained engineer and even I can see that this will blow the core, won’t it? They’ll launch and the whole fucking ship will…with Scott…fuck.”

He wheezed slightly at the last word and Kaidan rushed to wrap his arms around the man, holding him tight and feeling the slight tremble in Shepard’s shoulders. One deep breath, then two, and the Commander was put in place of the man, eyes hard and cold. Kaidan fortified himself the same way.

“Like hell we are going to let this happen,” Kaidan growled. He pulled away from Shepard and immediately went for his armor, always in Captain’s cabin these days, Shepard at his heels. “EDI, radio Scott, have him armor up and discreetly make his way towards the Normandy. Prepare your mobile platform for combat as well.” 

“Understood Major,” she chimed.

Shepard opened up his comms while he rifled through his locker for his favorite pair of gauntlets. “Vega, Garrus, meet us in five at the airlock ready to roll. We’re boarding the ark armed, not sure what to expect but we’re relieving their Captain of duty.”

“What the hell Shepard? I thought we were helping these people?” James replied.

“We are, Captain’s likely indoctrinated, no idea who else. Prepare for the worst.”

“Roger that, Loco.”

They immediately started stripping down and helping each other with the more cumbersome pieces of their armor. Their hands were steady even if their hearts were racing, the familiar routine of kitting up enough to bring clarity and focus.

“We should have a unit at the airlock, to make sure they don’t try to board the Normandy while we’re out.”

“Mmm, good thinking Shepard,” Garrus chimed in.

“You volunteering then?” Kaidan asked.

“What? And miss the firefight? No way. Vega can do that.”

“Like hell I will,” James shot back.

From the way Shepard’s shoulders were starting to stiffen, he was getting annoyed. James and Garrus were saved a lashing from John by none other than Tali as she interrupted their bickering.

“Oi, you bosh’tets, I’ll do it.” She grumbled. “Even though it is my people’s ark and if anyone should be saving it, it's me. But go on, you men save the day. Liara and I will make sure no one breaches that door.”

Kaidan chuckled and shook his head. “Right then, now that that’s settled…everyone get your gear and let’s move.”

He finished clasping the few back plate clasps for Shepard and then they were ready; both of them chomping at the bit to fight, for the Ark, for Scott, and for their future in Andromeda together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for sticking with us this far! <3


	19. Chapter 18

Scott found himself pacing the bridge of _ The Normandy _, waiting for John and Kaidan, doing his best to keep his panic at bay. EDI had been vague, deliberately so, and since the comms he was using on the Quarian Ark were hardly secure, he couldn’t blame her. That didn’t make the waiting or the anxiety any easier to handle.

He was about to go and find them when the doors to the elevator finally opened with a hiss, revealing the men in question. The small part of his brain that was panicking settled at seeing them both there, safe and whole, and looking really fucking good in their armor. He greeted them both with a kiss and pulled them in for an awkward hug, armor clacking in the relative silence of the bridge.

He pulled away and gave both of them a look over. “What’s going on? EDI’s said you’d give me the details, but to get my gear and then get here ASAP.”

John looked him over as if he was looking for any injuries or other signs of pain, running a gauntleted hand along Scott’s face and letting out a deep sigh when he found none.

“It’s really fucking bad news Scott.” Kaidan said. “There’s no easy way to say it, but…well, SAM found some pretty damning evidence that Captain Revan’Nah is likely indoctrinated.”

Scott gasped, mind reeling at the accusation. “Holy shit, that would make a whole lot of sense.” His omni-tool pinged and a message from Kaidan flashed.

“This is the data we have from SAM, and I’ve highlighted the files that were deleted with the Captain’s access codes.”

The constant errors that would pop up and then disappear without any explanation, the reports that didn’t always make sense…if the Captain was purging critical logs, the chance of discovery was slim. If SAM hadn’t been an integral part of the Ark systems, it was likely no one would have ever noticed, not in time to do anything at least. They had really lucked out with the AI program his father had designed. As much as Scott was loath to admit it. His father was still a touchy subject that brought more pain than anything else these days.

“We have to stop her, but we don’t know who, if anyone, is also indoctrinated.” John sighed and shook his head. “We have no real way of knowing until they try to stop us.”

Once more the elevator doors opened with a hiss and more of the Normandy crew filed in. Scott knew them all by now, his relationship with John and Kaidan had been revealed to them early on. James and Garrus liked to tease him endlessly for falling for Shepard, though Garrus had commented once or twice about the Second Human Spectre being the respectable sort. This of course always devolved into John and Garrus flinging good natured insults at each other, with James laughing on the sidelines.

They offered him smiles and nods, and filed in beside them, fully kitted up and faces serious. Liara and Tali joined them from the cockpit with EDI in tow, and Scott found himself whistling softly.

“Eight of us? How many people do you really think will be indoctrinated on that ship?”

EDI answered, “The probability is low that more than fifty percent of the crew is indoctrinated, but Shepard has chosen the route he thinks is the safest. Liara and Tali will be making sure the _ Normandy _ stays safe while the rest of us take control of the Ark.”

“Taking control of the ark, well shit.” Scott took a deep breath and released it slowly. “I know these people, have been working with them for months. It’s crazy to think that some of them might be…is there any other way?”

John shook his head. “Not if we want to keep the Ark and all those sleepers intact. This will be hard Scott, if you want to stay out of it, we can have you protect the airlock with…”

“No! Hell no!” Scott growled. “There is no way I’m letting you fight for the Ark without me there. So, you can toss that idea out the airlock right now.” He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, nearly whispering. “I’m with you, whatever comes.”

“God, I fucking love you,” Shepard said, reaching for Scott and pulling him in for a blistering kiss, one that left his toes tingling. Kaidan was right on his heels, taking his lips after John was done with them.

“Whew Loco, this room just got uncomfortably hot. Take it down a notch will ya?” James was nearly laughing as he tried to get his words out while Garrus snickered.

“Yeah, yeah. You’re just jealous because I’ve got these two hot guys all to myself,” Shepard shot back.

James flushed and barely managed to start stammering out his reply when Liara cut him off.

“This is very funny and all, but let’s focus, shall we?” She gave them all a tight smile before waving her hand in front of them. Glyph appeared and projected a hologram of the Ark’s layout. “Obviously, you are entering via the airlock, nothing we can do about that, but the Captain shouldn’t be suspecting that we are about to launch an offensive either. I can’t imagine there will be much of a fight…initially.” With another wave of her hand the blueprint expanded and focused on the layout of the Bridge for the Ark. “EDI, will you connect us to SAM?”

“Of course, Liara, patching SAM through to our Comms now.”

“Greetings Dr. Tsoni. What can I do for you?” SAM chimed in its tilted monotone.

“Can you tell us where Captain Revan’Nah is currently located? Is she on the bridge or in her personal quarters?”

They waited a moment in silence, before SAM finally responded. “I apologize Dr. Tsoni, but I am unable to locate her. It would seem she has somehow deactivated her implant.”

Shepard cursed. “Can we trust the Pathfinder? Any evidence pointing towards her being indoctrinated at all SAM?”

“Not that I can tell, Commander. But it seems that I am unable to locate…” the AI’s voice dropped off and a flash of pain burst through Scott’s skull, whiting out his vision.

He fell to his knees, clutching his head, “Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh holy shit.” He felt Kaidan’s hands on him, pulling him against his chest and running a diagnostic program while it felt like his brain was melting. The pain lasted a full minute before slowly fading, leaving behind a dull ache. His vision slowly returned as well, and Kaidan and John’s face slowly came into focus. Blinking away tears, Scott took a shaky breath before getting out a hollow, “I’m ok, it’s over now.”

Scott made a slow inventory of his body. Everything felt normal, aside from the dull ache in his head, and…a feeling of loss. Closing his eyes, he followed that feeling before coming to a terrible realization.

“SAM’s dead. Or as close to dead as an AI can be.” He eyed EDI warily. “Maybe he can be fixed, but I think I felt…its death throes.”

“Fuck…that’s…I’m sorry Scott.” Kaidan ran his hands through Scott’s hair, the touch soft and delicate, and it felt really fucking good, somehow easing the ache in his skull. He pulled away anyways and got to his feet.

“I think we can guess where the Captain is,” Shepard said. “Can you get us the schematics for the AI chamber Liara?”

“Certainly, Shepard.” She quickly shifted the hologram and pulled up the AI core, and with that destination, they plotted their course of action. Shepard, Kaidan and Scott would make their own three-person fire team, while EDI, James and Garrus would make the second. They would split up and clear each level of the ark, and then meet at the AI Core, where they would secure the Captain and any other indoctrinated crew members. Best Case scenario, SAM would be salvageable, and they could bring the AI back online, worst case…well, Scott didn’t want to dwell on it.

John called over two other marines, who regularly guarded the War Room, and assigned them to help Tali and Liara with the airlock defense, and then, they made their assault. Scott felt the crackle of biotics and his own hummed in response, Kaidan glowing blue with his barrier, and then Shepard bringing his own up. The humming in his body grew stronger and he let his own biotics and barrier flare up. This was the first time the three of them would be fighting together, and Scott reveled at the thought.

He and Kaidan had made a powerful combo when they fought together on the Citadel, and when he and Shepard fought together on the ark the first time, it had been as if they had always done so, in sync in ways he never knew he could be with another person. Deep down, in his heart and his gut, even though they had never fought together like this, he knew that the three of them would be unstoppable.

Scott let out a soft laugh and grinned at the two men he loved more than anything. “Let’s fucking do this.”

The firefight was intense as more Initiative crew members poured out of every door and hidden place, and when husks began to join the battle, Scott’s heart shattered a little with each one taken out. These had been people who had wanted a new and fresh start, optimistic and hopeful, now dead or dying thanks to the Reapers.

His blood screamed and his biotics were a fluid, roiling beast spiraling through his chest and head. Shepard and Kaidan were grace and death personified, when one fell back the other was there filling in the gap, when Kaidan’s barrier faded, Scott’s was there to replace it. When Shepard would fling himself into a charge, Kaidan was there to blast apart any stragglers with a shockwave, or Scott would create a singularity to trap and tear apart their enemies.

All while they fought, Captain Revan’Nah’s voice blared over the comms, calling for anyone and everyone to stop the intruders who were there to destroy the ark. Not all the Initiative crew members they faced were indoctrinated, and many surrendered when they realized who it was they were fighting. Shepard called for Garrus and James to escort the survivors to the _ Normandy _.

When they finally made it to the AI core, Scott was panting from the exertion, but his fury was only growing, fueling him and his desire to see Captain Revan’Nah brought to justice, to see the Reapers’ hold on this ark ended. EDI met them there, her mobile platform unscathed, and without being asked, began to decrypt the door lock.

In their brief reprieve, Kaidan took a moment to pull both Scott and John to him, once more initiating a hug made awkward due to their armor. Armor or not, it was a comfort to Scott, and his burning rage abated, if only a little. “No telling what we’ll find in there, but I know we’ll overcome it as we always do,” Kaidan whispered. “I love you both.”

Shepard whispered, “Love you too.”

With a nod, Scott pulled away. “We have to end this. Not just the ark, but all of it. We have to stop the Reapers, no matter what. Even if...even if that means the ark leaves without us.” He turned to look at them both and part of his heart broke, the one that missed his sister and wanted to reconcile with his father. “We can’t leave this galaxy with the Reapers still out there. I could never live with myself if we did that, and I know that neither of you could either.” He let out a soft chuckle. “You both are too honorable for that.”

John reached out and pressed his and Scott’s helmets together, so their eyes could meet, blue meeting blue. “Thank you. For everything.”

And then the door was sliding open, Kaidan bringing up a barrier to surround them as gunfire erupted all around. Husks poured through along with a brute. Scott didn’t have time to wonder how the Captain smuggled something like that on the ship before he was being blown across the room, a terrible shockwave ripping through Kaidan’s barrier and flinging them all apart. The impact blew the breath from his lungs, but other than some bruising, he would be ok. He saw Shepard and Kaidan rising to their feet, throwing off husks. EDI had the brute currently engaged, allowing the three of them to regain their bearings.

Revan’Nah’s voice crackled along the comms, unnatural and deep, yet shrill and piercing at the same time. “We are the harbinger of your doom Shepard, this little ship shall not save you. The galaxy will burn and the harvest will be finished.”

“Commander, I am getting a huge energy spike in the drive core, if this continues the door will detonate.” EDI’s voice simulated panic, and Scott felt his own rise at the words.

“Shit. Can you stop it EDI?” he asked.

“With enough time I could, but I need access to the system, of which, the closest access point is in the AI core.”

“Ok, let's get to it people.” Shepard sounded calm, and Scott took comfort in that. His barrier flickered back into place and he charged his amp, preparing a shockwave to decimate the husks in their way.

He swung around and released the shockwave, just as Kaidan blasted them with a reave, the resulting explosion staggered them, but it made an opening, which they pressed through.

Shepard began helping EDI with the brute while Kaidan and Scott focused on the Quarian Captain, Revan’Nah. She was wrapped in the blue glow of biotics and surrounded by more husks. At her feet lay the Pathfinder, unmoving. Scott really hoped she wasn’t dead.

The power surrounding her built and crashed towards them in the form of an overload, which they both barely managed to avoid. Kaidan fired precision shots as he dodged, taking out two husks, which was really fucking hot, all Scott managed to do was not trip over the fucking husks attempting to maul him. His barrier blasted out, throwing them back, and he shot them before they recovered. A loud thud sounded behind them, and Scott risked a glance over his shoulder. The brute was dead.

John strode forward, awash in his own biotics, looking like a hero out of legend, _ also _ really fucking hot. “It’s over Captain. Surrender now and we will do our best to release you from the indoctrination clouding your mind.”

“Release me?” She asked, voice still a mockery of what it used to be. “This creature of flesh and bone is long gone, Shepard. _ We _ are all that remains. We will take you, keep you alive, and you too will be a vessel for us, our voi…”

“That’s never gonna happen,” Scott screamed. He flicked a shockwave at the Captain, which she swatted away lazily, but staggered as she was hit by a reave from Kaidan. That was all the opening that Shepard needed, as he biotically charged into Revan’Nah, slamming her against the wall with crushing force. He unloaded a few shotgun rounds into her face for good measure. A bloody mess was all that remained, and Scott closed his eyes and shuddered.

He hadn’t been particularly close to the Captain, but that didn’t mean it didn’t sting to see her die. Warning sirens started to sound, and EDI rushed to the AI core console, fingers delicately tapping away with inhuman speed. After another tense minute, the sirens stopped and Scott breathed a sigh of relief.

“The Core has been stabilized Shepard, but I’m afraid I was unable to salvage SAM. It is truly dead.”

“Shit.” Kaidan sighed. “The pathfinder is dead too. Can the ark be piloted without SAM? We need to find a replacement for most of the senior staff and the AI.”

“One tall fucking order,” Shepard grumbled. “That is a problem for another day.” He turned towards Scott and pulled him close, their helmets bumping together. “You ok?”

Scott nodded slowly. He _ was _ ok. The loss of SAM, the Pathfinder and the Captain were heavy blows, but not crippling ones. Even if the Ark never made it to Andromeda now, he knew he’d be ok. Because he had John, and he had Kaidan; these two men who had stolen his heart.

Kaidan placed a gauntleted hand on his shoulder and offered him a small smile. Yeah. The three of them together would be better than ok.

“Alright. Let’s do one more sweep of the ark, clear out any stragglers and then let’s get off this fucking ship.”

“Aye, aye Commander.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Next chapter will be released 6/9/20. Thank you for your patience!


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